I'm feeling a little off this early morning. CB has a broken fever, hurrah, Baby Belle is teething or not happy about weaning, or really really hungry and so I have been up all night. Not only that, but I didn't eat much dinner last night and my stomach is hungry. I am tired of nursing, tired of nursing and tired. And hungry. And tired. So tired. And a little snappy at the small people.
I'm eating one piece of rye bread toast, one cup of herbal tea and half a cold piece of pizza. I feel much better.
I'm wearing my favorite black lounge pants, a long black sweater, gray tank and gray slippers. I have to go teach at noon. I may just stay in my cozy clothes.
I'm pondering lots of random things. My friend Katie from high school has a beautiful blog with lots of great photos and wonderful writing. She and I used to sing Indigo Girl covers for fun, we worked in the same place at different times, and she has dealt with way more loss in her life. I don't really know her anymore, but I feel connected to her through her writing. It's good to know the young woman I knew is still there- thriving, honest, and open about her life.
I'm also pondering home schooling. I have a child who would thrive in an alternative school setting. The hard part will be convincing her daddy that it's ok to stay home and learn. I say we should try for 1 year and see how it goes. Well? Continue. Not well? Parkside El is around the corner. But what is truly best for Cocopugs?
I am going to try for a little nap. Maybe I'll do a daybook again when I'm not so scattered.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Intention
I hear a lot from the new age movement about Holding an Intention for someone, which basically means to think thoughts about them and those things will come to them. I don’t subscribe to that thinking, I tend to pray. But the word Intention peaks my interest.
My intention is to create opportunities in our home, opportunities to create, to learn, to have relationship, to love. Here’s where I’m at now.
 |
| Disciplined |
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| Pumpkins! |
I foster independence: My oldest daughter is 7, and ready for a lot less mommy control. She is responsible to get herself dressed and ready for school everyday. She showers herself, does her own hair (if she chooses to), picks out her own clothes, and gets her own breakfast. She sorts laundry, picks up the living room, practices piano and does her homework with minimal help. I am intentional about the time I spend correcting her. I abide by the Dr’s first ethics rule: Do No Harm. Sometimes I ask her why, or let her know what the weather is like so she can make informed choices, but mostly she gets to deal with her own consequences.
 |
| Separation Anxiety |
I love unconditionally: There are a few signs around my house- you know some of that cheesy wall art- one says “Always and Forever, No Matter What” one says “Hope” and one says “Peace” those are the things I desire for my family, and love overlooks a lot of bad. As we’ve gotten older the bad has gotten significantly less bad, and the good has gotten significantly better. This family is not all about me and what I can or cannot do. It's about creating bonds and relationships that will last and be healthy.
I intend to set the tone for my family.
I intend to set the tone for my family.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Back to Vocation
Good Morning my favorite 4 people who read my blog!
This weekend I was honored to speak at the Time to Rise conference. It was a good experience and one I would do again. I learned a few things during this whole process:
This weekend I was honored to speak at the Time to Rise conference. It was a good experience and one I would do again. I learned a few things during this whole process:
- God is faithful. Even though I was woefully underprepared with my actual speech, I think the point of 'Your vocation as a musician is important' got across despite me and my own self issues.
- Christ's body is a very unique and diverse place, and I loved being exposed to the raw emotion of dancing people, grandmas on their knees worshiping, people falling prostrate to the cross, and other hallmarks of Evangelical/ Pentecostal worship. On one hand, I was a little overwhelmed and freaked out by it, but on the other hand, it was beautiful expressions of love for God. I was moved by it. Remind me next time to wear waterproof mascara because I can't sing 'Mighty to Save' without it.
- While I was talking about vocation, (literally during the first session) I realized that I am so fortunate to have 2 vocations that are deeply and totally God driven. I was talking about liturgical worship and in my head realized that living the liturgy on a daily basis actually encompasses both the mothering vocation and the musician vocation. I am going to really focus on how to do this on a daily basis using Luther's Small Catechism. Elizabeth Foss does this beautifully (in the Catholic way) on her blog, In the Heart of my Home.
- I made a playlist on my i-Pod for the listening portion of my talk. I never got to play any of it due to some logistical shuffling at the last minute. But I am listening to that playlist right now and IT IS GOOD. It start with Bach and includes a wide swath of music briefly exposing the heritage of the church.
- I learned a beautiful thing from Laura Story during her songwriting session. She is the worship leader at a church for her 'real' job. She writes specifically for the church she works at. She feels called to interpret for the specific body of Christ she works for. I love that idea because it reiterates the hand of God putting her vocation to work in a direct and meaningful way for Him through her. I love a good paradigm shift.
I really enjoyed the sessions, I enjoyed teaching, and I enjoyed meeting new people and reconnecting with my friend Sarah. I loved singing and being a part of a great worshiping crowd. I can't wait to start working again in my home and getting back to vocation #1.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Alone and awake, I look at the stars...
It's another of those times: 1:30AM and I'm awake!! Bear with the disjointed thoughts.
Today, Marybeth Whalen's blog mentioned Psalm 16:7, "I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me."
And here I am wrestling instead of receiving instruction. So many people I know are suffering in sickness and death, prayers seemingly unanswered or open-ended. Family and church situations are hurtful, unsaid anger and frustrations are too much to go into here, and I am tired of hashing and rehashing them. I just want to rest.
Calm down, Janie, there are a few promises to behold.
My favorite:
Exodus 6:6 (NASV)
Say, therefore, to the sons of Israel, I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, and I will deliver you from their bondage I will also redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great judgments.
This verse makes me want to cry, and I love this version- that outstretched arm is none other than Jesus, right? And all those judgements went to Him. But we still get the grace, we still get the salvation, we still get the love of God, the blessing of God, the presence of God. I get all of that from this verse.
Here's another one:
Lamentations 3:21-26 (NIV)
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
I hear a biblical "Relax" in this verse. Especially in the situations I am facing currently. Don't you ever feel completely consumed in your life? Legit or dramatic. Your problems? God didn't consume the bush while He inhabited it talking to Moses, He is not going to consume me, but be compassionate to me. And then the second part is not so easy. Patience is a virtue because it is NOT NATURAL. At least in me. But my hope is in Him. Not in me, not in the leaders of my church, not in my husband, family or humanity in general. Not in medicine, not in the media. In Him. In Him. In Him. The pressure is off. I can't do anything to control what is coming, or what will happen. And really? What do I fear? Death? Loneliness? No. In Him is hope, life.
Here's the last one:
Romans 8:6, 38-39
...the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace...
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
And I think now I can sleep.
Amen
Today, Marybeth Whalen's blog mentioned Psalm 16:7, "I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me."
And here I am wrestling instead of receiving instruction. So many people I know are suffering in sickness and death, prayers seemingly unanswered or open-ended. Family and church situations are hurtful, unsaid anger and frustrations are too much to go into here, and I am tired of hashing and rehashing them. I just want to rest.
Calm down, Janie, there are a few promises to behold.
My favorite:
Exodus 6:6 (NASV)
Say, therefore, to the sons of Israel, I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, and I will deliver you from their bondage I will also redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great judgments.
This verse makes me want to cry, and I love this version- that outstretched arm is none other than Jesus, right? And all those judgements went to Him. But we still get the grace, we still get the salvation, we still get the love of God, the blessing of God, the presence of God. I get all of that from this verse.
Here's another one:
Lamentations 3:21-26 (NIV)
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
I hear a biblical "Relax" in this verse. Especially in the situations I am facing currently. Don't you ever feel completely consumed in your life? Legit or dramatic. Your problems? God didn't consume the bush while He inhabited it talking to Moses, He is not going to consume me, but be compassionate to me. And then the second part is not so easy. Patience is a virtue because it is NOT NATURAL. At least in me. But my hope is in Him. Not in me, not in the leaders of my church, not in my husband, family or humanity in general. Not in medicine, not in the media. In Him. In Him. In Him. The pressure is off. I can't do anything to control what is coming, or what will happen. And really? What do I fear? Death? Loneliness? No. In Him is hope, life.
Here's the last one:
Romans 8:6, 38-39
...the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace...
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
And I think now I can sleep.
Amen
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday Hussle
Today started well enough: alarm, baby up, sisters up, all in mommy's bed to snuggle and doze, a nice way to start a gloomy day. It could be the highlight of any day, but it really WAS the highlight of today. Well, maybe the beef stroganoff, but we'll get there.
All I wanted was to follow my nice little schedule today. Just stay on task, just have things follow one after another. Remember my post from last weds? Tick Tick Tick, jobs done. Not today.
While I was dozing with darling children, Pat came in and told me some mumbo-jumbled words about water in the closet downstairs and maybe we should clean out the closet pretty soon. And also to soak the meat in milk for beef stroganoff for supper. Then he kissed us all and went on his way.
We had breakfast on time. I took the beef out of the fridge to soak, but never made it to the milk. It sat on the counter. We took CB to school on time, then stopped in Walmart, something I am loathe to do. I did get 5 deep dish pie pans for $3.95 a piece. My first catering purchase. While in Walmart, Cocopugs mentioned that her throat hurt, but wasn't nutty so I let it go. I struggled out to the car with pie plates in flimsy plastic bags on one hand, Mz Bell slipping out of my other arm and Coco wandering away. I became one of THOSE moms at Walmart: GIT BACK HERE, YOU!. I am ashamed of me.
On to preschool where I was pulling into the parking lot and a little boy darted right in front of me, and I mean to say *heart-stopping-lightning-fast-but-all-in-slow-motion* in front of me. And I saw the look of sheer terror on his face when he realized what he had done, and his mama was crying and I was in shock. But he didn't get hit by a car today, and I doubt he will run away like that again. And my heart just now stopped racing.
I headed home to find my new iPhone was waiting at the door! YAY! But I didn't have time to play, and besides, I had to charge it before I could use it. Mz Bell went down for her nap.
I went to the kitchen and realized that the beef had been sitting on the counter for an hour, so I thought I had better cook it and throw it in the crock pot. So I tossed it with a little flour, salt and pepper and browned it, and then caramelized some onions and browned mushrooms with garlic. All into the crock pot.
I turned it on to low and went down to the basement.
I opened up the door and the smell of moldy laundry hit me hard.
I sucked it up, emptied the closet, swept and cleaned up the mess and put the dehumidifier to work.
I took the opportunity to go through some old Christmas stuff, holiday stuff, and general stuff. I threw away a lot of junk.
Baby Belle woke up, had some milk and we went to pick up Coco, get some lunch and go home.
When we walked in the kitchen, I noticed that I had never plugged in the crock pot. I called my reliable source for all things kitchen edible, Mom. She said go for it. So I turned it on high and cooked the hell out of the meat, onions and mushrooms.
We ate lunch, and my friend Mindy called with bad news. Her sister has been struggling with an aggressive form of T-cell Lymphoma and did not get the report she was expecting. Cancer sucks, and we talked for a while as the girls played. All of a sudden, Coco slapped her hands over her ears and screamed. I called the doc and we were on our way.
Both ears infected, NO FEVER. 1 trip to meijer and home for naps.
By this time, I am wondering when it's time for a glass of wine.
Graciously, our neighbor picked CB up for school and playtime.
Phone calls, emails, texts to cancel the rest of my day.
Phone call to State Farm for refi: 3.99 30 year fixed. INSANE!
Homework, computer & iPhone.
Boiled some egg noodles, stir in the sour cream. Fantastic dinner. Seriously, and no one has gotten sick yet.
Homework, piano practice, pick up.
My day is ending with Smolen Dance Party, including Beach Boys, Traveling Wilburys, and Bob Dylan.
Good Night!
All I wanted was to follow my nice little schedule today. Just stay on task, just have things follow one after another. Remember my post from last weds? Tick Tick Tick, jobs done. Not today.
While I was dozing with darling children, Pat came in and told me some mumbo-jumbled words about water in the closet downstairs and maybe we should clean out the closet pretty soon. And also to soak the meat in milk for beef stroganoff for supper. Then he kissed us all and went on his way.
We had breakfast on time. I took the beef out of the fridge to soak, but never made it to the milk. It sat on the counter. We took CB to school on time, then stopped in Walmart, something I am loathe to do. I did get 5 deep dish pie pans for $3.95 a piece. My first catering purchase. While in Walmart, Cocopugs mentioned that her throat hurt, but wasn't nutty so I let it go. I struggled out to the car with pie plates in flimsy plastic bags on one hand, Mz Bell slipping out of my other arm and Coco wandering away. I became one of THOSE moms at Walmart: GIT BACK HERE, YOU!. I am ashamed of me.
On to preschool where I was pulling into the parking lot and a little boy darted right in front of me, and I mean to say *heart-stopping-lightning-fast-but-all-in-slow-motion* in front of me. And I saw the look of sheer terror on his face when he realized what he had done, and his mama was crying and I was in shock. But he didn't get hit by a car today, and I doubt he will run away like that again. And my heart just now stopped racing.
I headed home to find my new iPhone was waiting at the door! YAY! But I didn't have time to play, and besides, I had to charge it before I could use it. Mz Bell went down for her nap.
I went to the kitchen and realized that the beef had been sitting on the counter for an hour, so I thought I had better cook it and throw it in the crock pot. So I tossed it with a little flour, salt and pepper and browned it, and then caramelized some onions and browned mushrooms with garlic. All into the crock pot.
I turned it on to low and went down to the basement.
I opened up the door and the smell of moldy laundry hit me hard.
I sucked it up, emptied the closet, swept and cleaned up the mess and put the dehumidifier to work.
I took the opportunity to go through some old Christmas stuff, holiday stuff, and general stuff. I threw away a lot of junk.
Baby Belle woke up, had some milk and we went to pick up Coco, get some lunch and go home.
When we walked in the kitchen, I noticed that I had never plugged in the crock pot. I called my reliable source for all things kitchen edible, Mom. She said go for it. So I turned it on high and cooked the hell out of the meat, onions and mushrooms.
We ate lunch, and my friend Mindy called with bad news. Her sister has been struggling with an aggressive form of T-cell Lymphoma and did not get the report she was expecting. Cancer sucks, and we talked for a while as the girls played. All of a sudden, Coco slapped her hands over her ears and screamed. I called the doc and we were on our way.
Both ears infected, NO FEVER. 1 trip to meijer and home for naps.
By this time, I am wondering when it's time for a glass of wine.
Graciously, our neighbor picked CB up for school and playtime.
Phone calls, emails, texts to cancel the rest of my day.
Phone call to State Farm for refi: 3.99 30 year fixed. INSANE!
Homework, computer & iPhone.
Boiled some egg noodles, stir in the sour cream. Fantastic dinner. Seriously, and no one has gotten sick yet.
Homework, piano practice, pick up.
My day is ending with Smolen Dance Party, including Beach Boys, Traveling Wilburys, and Bob Dylan.
 |
| Wake Up, Mama! |
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Random Things
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| Mz Bell checking out Tube Chimes |
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| Cocopugs and her puppet |
Last night, we opened the new ArtsInk! Exhibit at the Children's Discovery Museum.
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| Coco on the Wii |
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| Tanner K |
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| Random Little Guy |
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| Colleen T & her Mama |
I stayed up and watched Freaks & Geeks while rocking the over stimulated and crying baby. I forgot how much I loved that show, I laughed out loud so many times- here's a little clip:
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Mama Time
Right now I am sitting at my kitchen table eating dinner at the very chic and fashionable hour of 9PM. I taught lessons today until 8, came home, kissed the big girls goodnight, nursed the baby, sent my husband outside to have a beer with the neighbor, and made my dinner.
There were 3 roasted chicken breasts on the counter and some sticky mini raviolis in the strainer on the stove. I looked in the fridge for some sauce, but it had mold on the lid, so it was a no go.
Logically, I sauteed the ravs in olive oil until they were crisp, added a diced tomato and some basil and oregano, a touch of salt and pepper, and melted mozerella on top.
I sliced off a portion of the chicken and VIOLA! Supper!
I keep forgetting to take pictures of my food!
My long day started at 5AM with the middle girl shouting about her bad dweam. (her pillow was chomping at her) Her loud voice wakened the baby who was hungry. So I comforted and nursed, they both went back to sleep for an hour. I got up.
7:10 Breakfast (this is late!)
AM spelling session & homework
2 girls to drop off at school, with a different schedule than usual
nurse and put down ze beebo for a nap
start on 6 loads of laundry
clean basement, scrub bathrooms, fold laundry
wake baby, pick up preschooler
make lunch for kids, clean kitchen, mop floor
teach piano & voice lesson at home, with no baby nap
finish folding and putting away laundry
let Bell and Cocopugs play in rooms while I eat my lunch
pick up CB from school
nurse baby, put her down for a nap
review school papers, mail, check email
go to teach at 4.
Days like today go fast, but it's hard to relax in the evening.
I think it's time to open the wine.
There were 3 roasted chicken breasts on the counter and some sticky mini raviolis in the strainer on the stove. I looked in the fridge for some sauce, but it had mold on the lid, so it was a no go.
Logically, I sauteed the ravs in olive oil until they were crisp, added a diced tomato and some basil and oregano, a touch of salt and pepper, and melted mozerella on top.
I sliced off a portion of the chicken and VIOLA! Supper!
I keep forgetting to take pictures of my food!
My long day started at 5AM with the middle girl shouting about her bad dweam. (her pillow was chomping at her) Her loud voice wakened the baby who was hungry. So I comforted and nursed, they both went back to sleep for an hour. I got up.
7:10 Breakfast (this is late!)
AM spelling session & homework
2 girls to drop off at school, with a different schedule than usual
nurse and put down ze beebo for a nap
start on 6 loads of laundry
clean basement, scrub bathrooms, fold laundry
wake baby, pick up preschooler
make lunch for kids, clean kitchen, mop floor
teach piano & voice lesson at home, with no baby nap
finish folding and putting away laundry
let Bell and Cocopugs play in rooms while I eat my lunch
pick up CB from school
nurse baby, put her down for a nap
review school papers, mail, check email
go to teach at 4.
Days like today go fast, but it's hard to relax in the evening.
I think it's time to open the wine.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Birthday Cake
Today is my mama's birthday. She is not 60. Yet. :-) I love my mama, I still wish I could curl up on her lap and have her brush my hair, read me a story, and snuggle me close but that would be awkward because I'm bigger than her. But she still gives me tight hugs and can pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling mostly even before I've acknowledged it myself, and I love her.
On some level, I am still her needy child, but on a better level, she is my friend.
So...
My sisters, SILs and nephews, aunt and grandma all got together today to celebrate. We had Biaggi's for lunch, and lemon pound cake. Those of you who know me, know that this is my cake. I make it for my birthday, I make it for the school carnival cakewalk, I make it for friends. I made it for weeks and weeks when I was pregnant. I can make it with no recipe at this point.
I wish you smell the butter and sugar creaming in the mixer, the fresh lemon juice dripping on my arm, the power of the mixer mixing the flour into the butter. And how fluffy the batter gets when the eggs mix in. Mmmmm....cake.
And when it's done baking, it's quickly turned out onto a cooling rack and IF it's a great day, and there is very little humidity, AND the sun and moon are aligned just right, then the cake will not stick to the pan.
(usually it comes out fine, I'm just perturbed that today it stuck)
Then you boil a little sugar with some fresh lemon juice and the grated peel and pour it all over the cake.
It is heaven on a fork.
Sorry, we ate it before I could take a picture.
On some level, I am still her needy child, but on a better level, she is my friend.
So...
My sisters, SILs and nephews, aunt and grandma all got together today to celebrate. We had Biaggi's for lunch, and lemon pound cake. Those of you who know me, know that this is my cake. I make it for my birthday, I make it for the school carnival cakewalk, I make it for friends. I made it for weeks and weeks when I was pregnant. I can make it with no recipe at this point.
I wish you smell the butter and sugar creaming in the mixer, the fresh lemon juice dripping on my arm, the power of the mixer mixing the flour into the butter. And how fluffy the batter gets when the eggs mix in. Mmmmm....cake.
And when it's done baking, it's quickly turned out onto a cooling rack and IF it's a great day, and there is very little humidity, AND the sun and moon are aligned just right, then the cake will not stick to the pan.
(usually it comes out fine, I'm just perturbed that today it stuck)
Then you boil a little sugar with some fresh lemon juice and the grated peel and pour it all over the cake.
It is heaven on a fork.
Sorry, we ate it before I could take a picture.
Monday, September 13, 2010
So what's new?
The dishes can wait, and I have at least one more day of wear in these jeans, right? I buy TONS of underpants for weeks when laundry just seems too much. The old college trick. Wise, eh!?!?
Here is the door that closed and few windows that have opened lately:
Broadview Mansion is doing just fine without me. I am still teaching there as a private teacher, just not in my Director of Music role. The music studios are thriving, the programing there is beginning to streamline into a proclamation of the Word, and good things are happening. Unfortunately the board has decided to close the Sacred Music Lending Library, effective 2011. That part hurts, but they would have kept it open as long as I was running it, and I didn't feel called to do that job anymore. But the experiences with so many denominations have been preparing me for a new area of vocation.
Smolen Music Studio website is up and running. The site is somewhat generic, but it serves its purpose without a lot of babysitting or money. And I have space for about 5 more students. Tell your family & friends!!
Childrens Discovery Museum ArtsInk! Music in Math exhibit opens on THIS Friday with a Donor's opening, and then Saturday to the public. Smolen Music Studio students will demonstrating the new exhibits. I consulted on the project- a 2 year commitment- but so much fun and worth it. The kids are going to LOVE it!
Time to Rise : A conference for church musicians of every denomination. I am so excited about this one- the work is hard and easy all at the same time. This project is taking on a life of it's own and I'm excited about some spins-offs that may come from it.
All Saints Lutheran Church is my new church home, it's a very tiny little congregation. And the pastor and his wife are pretty nice people. I've known them for about 35 years. Despite the fact that they are my parents, I am learning so much from them as individuals- how to have a more grown up faith, how to be responsible to a calling, how to abandon my will to God and rely on His righteousness. My parents are a blessing to me.
Here's what's in my head lately:
Vivaldi: Laudaute Pueri Dominum, Psalm 119 I just found the actual score for this and hopefully will sing it next year.
Gershwin: Rhapsody in Blue I heard it twice on different NPR stations in the last 3 weeks, and it is a favorite from when I was a kid. I took it as a sign to get into iTunes and buy it. For the kiddos, of course! :-)
And the perpetual fight:
I have been trying to keep things together at home, The Schedule is a little nuts. The house is a little nuts. I can just tell from writing all this down that keeping all these things in the air will take a toll somewhere, and I know my husband could use a little care.
I also know my tendency to get overwhelmed and just fall right into an overworked depression because it is impossible to do all that needs to be done and do it well without some grace. These are struggles for me that have been recurring throughout my adult life, and each time I go through it, it seems a little different, a little easier, a little more familiar and less daunting. I hope I know when to slow down and give a little more to those who need and a little less to the world out there. The trick is to get to it before I go into shut-down mode. The newness of this old fight is my determination to sew my seeds of discontentment and weariness with God instead of with the world. The world is just going to affirm my difficulties, distract me with it's internet and TV lures, and subdue me with it's delicious chocolate. Ok so I won't deny myself the chocolate part. That's going a little too far.
And Finally...
I want to blog more. This is so therapeutic.
Here is the door that closed and few windows that have opened lately:
Broadview Mansion is doing just fine without me. I am still teaching there as a private teacher, just not in my Director of Music role. The music studios are thriving, the programing there is beginning to streamline into a proclamation of the Word, and good things are happening. Unfortunately the board has decided to close the Sacred Music Lending Library, effective 2011. That part hurts, but they would have kept it open as long as I was running it, and I didn't feel called to do that job anymore. But the experiences with so many denominations have been preparing me for a new area of vocation.
Smolen Music Studio website is up and running. The site is somewhat generic, but it serves its purpose without a lot of babysitting or money. And I have space for about 5 more students. Tell your family & friends!!
Childrens Discovery Museum ArtsInk! Music in Math exhibit opens on THIS Friday with a Donor's opening, and then Saturday to the public. Smolen Music Studio students will demonstrating the new exhibits. I consulted on the project- a 2 year commitment- but so much fun and worth it. The kids are going to LOVE it!
Time to Rise : A conference for church musicians of every denomination. I am so excited about this one- the work is hard and easy all at the same time. This project is taking on a life of it's own and I'm excited about some spins-offs that may come from it.
All Saints Lutheran Church is my new church home, it's a very tiny little congregation. And the pastor and his wife are pretty nice people. I've known them for about 35 years. Despite the fact that they are my parents, I am learning so much from them as individuals- how to have a more grown up faith, how to be responsible to a calling, how to abandon my will to God and rely on His righteousness. My parents are a blessing to me.
Here's what's in my head lately:
Vivaldi: Laudaute Pueri Dominum, Psalm 119 I just found the actual score for this and hopefully will sing it next year.
Gershwin: Rhapsody in Blue I heard it twice on different NPR stations in the last 3 weeks, and it is a favorite from when I was a kid. I took it as a sign to get into iTunes and buy it. For the kiddos, of course! :-)
And the perpetual fight:
I have been trying to keep things together at home, The Schedule is a little nuts. The house is a little nuts. I can just tell from writing all this down that keeping all these things in the air will take a toll somewhere, and I know my husband could use a little care.
I also know my tendency to get overwhelmed and just fall right into an overworked depression because it is impossible to do all that needs to be done and do it well without some grace. These are struggles for me that have been recurring throughout my adult life, and each time I go through it, it seems a little different, a little easier, a little more familiar and less daunting. I hope I know when to slow down and give a little more to those who need and a little less to the world out there. The trick is to get to it before I go into shut-down mode. The newness of this old fight is my determination to sew my seeds of discontentment and weariness with God instead of with the world. The world is just going to affirm my difficulties, distract me with it's internet and TV lures, and subdue me with it's delicious chocolate. Ok so I won't deny myself the chocolate part. That's going a little too far.
And Finally...
I want to blog more. This is so therapeutic.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Ahhh New
It's only been about 5 months since I wrote here on my blog. A long five months of recitals, summer, school starting. In this short amount of time the following has happened:
I left my job to gain more time at home, to explore new directions, and to obey. There are new projects coming to fruition, new joys to report, and some of the same old same old I've dealt with for a long time. But nothing is new, and everything is new. That's the intimacy and intricacy of God.
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| Ze Beebo is a toddler |
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| First grade sounds scary... |
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| The middle Cocopugs Child emerges |
Welcome back!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Saturday La La
Saturday, delicious Saturday. Mmmm....I love to snuggle into your lazy morning, watching food network in bed (no crumbs!) laziliy eating weekend cereal (Reeces puffs and egg salad... whatever, it's the weekend!) reading the paper, making the grocery list, listening to Tommy Dorsey on Pandora, surfing the net while baby sleeps and big girls dance the hula to "Tea for Two" I have 2 books on deck to read, no place to go, no place to be. Maybe I will do a little cooking tonight but ONLY if I want to. This is the day I am going to rejoice in!! AHHHhhhh... Saturday La La!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Order My Steps
So I was taking my shower first thing this morning and praying that it would be a good day, a productive day, and a day not like yesterday. Yesterday was hard and the day before that even harder. Now mind you my hard days are not REALLY hard, just marginally difficult in an otherwise extraordinary life.
So I was taking my shower first thing this morning and praying and asking God to help me through the day to day of being a mom with a strange part timish schedule, children in school all day and half the day, and a baby who needs my attention to thrive. I am on the constant search for the perfect .......
Schedule.
I am a woman who aspires to be structured, to know what is next, to manage those around me with grace, dignity and love. I fail miserably at this one most crucial task of being the manager of our home and family.
So I was taking my shower first thing this morning and praying that God would please just order my steps today and help me to be efficient with my time, present with my children, and faithful to this life He has called me to.
I am hoping some magical celestial Filofax will fall from the heavens and order my life.
I think I will take a few minutes and pray and then still myself to let God have control of my day, my life.
So I was taking my shower first thing this morning and praying and asking God to help me through the day to day of being a mom with a strange part timish schedule, children in school all day and half the day, and a baby who needs my attention to thrive. I am on the constant search for the perfect .......
Schedule.
I am a woman who aspires to be structured, to know what is next, to manage those around me with grace, dignity and love. I fail miserably at this one most crucial task of being the manager of our home and family.
So I was taking my shower first thing this morning and praying that God would please just order my steps today and help me to be efficient with my time, present with my children, and faithful to this life He has called me to.
I am hoping some magical celestial Filofax will fall from the heavens and order my life.
I think I will take a few minutes and pray and then still myself to let God have control of my day, my life.
Monday, March 8, 2010
It's Simple
I really feel most of us tend to make more out of things than are really there, and almost always it results in some sort of drama. Good drama, bad drama.
I am in a good stage of life, 2 beautiful dancing girls in my living room as I write with ballet shoes and blue leotards, and one darling baby gurgling on the floor in a sweet yellow sleeper. I have no reason for drama, no time to worry, and why should I? I am in a protected stage of life.
This is asking for life drama, isn't it? I know that I am not protected from life, bad things will still happen, maybe even tragic and life would turn in the blink of an eye into something other than what it is now. That's not drama, that's reality.
I am in a protected stage of life right now because it is easy to taste and see that the Lord is good. We are not rich financially, we are not always happy in our work situations, we are not always pleased with the behavior of our children, however we are doing good work. We are well loved, and we love well. We are wealthy beyond belief, blessed by grace. I think God sometimes allows these seasons of contentment along with a turning. True human love changes things, attitudes, people. Imagine what perfect love does.
I am in a good stage of life, 2 beautiful dancing girls in my living room as I write with ballet shoes and blue leotards, and one darling baby gurgling on the floor in a sweet yellow sleeper. I have no reason for drama, no time to worry, and why should I? I am in a protected stage of life.
This is asking for life drama, isn't it? I know that I am not protected from life, bad things will still happen, maybe even tragic and life would turn in the blink of an eye into something other than what it is now. That's not drama, that's reality.
I am in a protected stage of life right now because it is easy to taste and see that the Lord is good. We are not rich financially, we are not always happy in our work situations, we are not always pleased with the behavior of our children, however we are doing good work. We are well loved, and we love well. We are wealthy beyond belief, blessed by grace. I think God sometimes allows these seasons of contentment along with a turning. True human love changes things, attitudes, people. Imagine what perfect love does.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
It's complicated
Like most people, I am fairly complicated.
I have a family and home that demand time and effort, energy and love.
I have a brain that demands attention as thoughts flit and float on a regular basis, too impertinent to ignore.
I have a talent that begs to be nurtured and skills desperately desiring to be used and honed.
The slightest suggestion of spring sets my brain into organization mode. I have closets to clean and baby, toddler and kindergartner clothing to sort, mend, and store. Cabinets in need of sanity, rugs to hang outside. Linens who need to be cleaned and aired, then stored for next winter. Lighter linens to be aired and used. Curtains to be washed, ironed and put back up over freshly washed windows. Toy explosion that needs to be contained.
Last night at bible study, we were talking about the Martha and Mary story- you know the one where Jesus visits their house and Mary sits at his feet listening, and Martha is frantically cleaning and getting ready. The question was who does Jesus love? And the answer is he loves both. Hmmm.. I always thought it was Mary who was present in the moment and not caring about the state of her house. Martha always seemed so busy and impersonal. And yet I find myself being Martha most of the time. Busy and impersonal to the people around me most of the time. One of the suggestions in the study was to be prepared enough in advance to create hospitality daily not only to guests but to my family.
This idea is taking shape in my mind as I get started on spring cleaning. What all can I do in advance? How do I maintain order in a house with small children? How can I be more present in the day to day moments with them and not be so busy and impersonal?
Staying up late and getting up early are not the answers right now, an almost 5 month old is teething and still nursing at night. Mama needs her sleep.
My mother has suggested for years that I take 15 minutes to pick up right before bedtime, and another quick pickup after the morning rush. I always scoffed saying I was too tired, until I found myself the last few nights starting the dishwasher and wiping down the bathroom before bed so it would be nice in the morning. I have asked my husband to make sure the kitchen table is cleared off before bed because I cannot stand a table mess first thing in the morning. We are working with the kids to pick up before bed.
As I write about all this preparation, I wonder then how I can clean my attitudes and behaviors towards God. I reconnect with God each spring during Lent and experience the closest times with Him during Easter. No wonder I find the spring to be my most creative time during the year, too.
To be creative, to actually create and to have the presence of mind to take the time to do it are all a matter of preparation. I want to be able to plan for a creative moment but all who have stared at a blank screen when they finally have time to write and NOTHING is there understand that creativity doesn't always happen that way.
I had a break in lessons yesterday and took the extra time to sing for the first time in a few months. It felt so good and I cringed and wanted to cry when I was done; the ability to do what I had done isn't there. The muscles tired quickly and the tone wasn't what I wanted. I was still exhilarated by singing, but not satisfied in how it sounded. I don't know what to sing anymore. There is no opera career to look for, no recital circuit, no church singing anytime soon. My next engagement is July's faculty recital and I am not sure I will have to sing that.
I am supposed to sing. I need to sing.
All facets of my life are craving order and discipline. I want to be hospitable to my family and friends, I want to create free from worry and guilt, I want to enjoy and cherish the gifts I have been given. Just getting this down in writing will help when I approach and ask to lay this down. Let's see what happens.
I have a family and home that demand time and effort, energy and love.
I have a brain that demands attention as thoughts flit and float on a regular basis, too impertinent to ignore.
I have a talent that begs to be nurtured and skills desperately desiring to be used and honed.
The slightest suggestion of spring sets my brain into organization mode. I have closets to clean and baby, toddler and kindergartner clothing to sort, mend, and store. Cabinets in need of sanity, rugs to hang outside. Linens who need to be cleaned and aired, then stored for next winter. Lighter linens to be aired and used. Curtains to be washed, ironed and put back up over freshly washed windows. Toy explosion that needs to be contained.
Last night at bible study, we were talking about the Martha and Mary story- you know the one where Jesus visits their house and Mary sits at his feet listening, and Martha is frantically cleaning and getting ready. The question was who does Jesus love? And the answer is he loves both. Hmmm.. I always thought it was Mary who was present in the moment and not caring about the state of her house. Martha always seemed so busy and impersonal. And yet I find myself being Martha most of the time. Busy and impersonal to the people around me most of the time. One of the suggestions in the study was to be prepared enough in advance to create hospitality daily not only to guests but to my family.
This idea is taking shape in my mind as I get started on spring cleaning. What all can I do in advance? How do I maintain order in a house with small children? How can I be more present in the day to day moments with them and not be so busy and impersonal?
Staying up late and getting up early are not the answers right now, an almost 5 month old is teething and still nursing at night. Mama needs her sleep.
My mother has suggested for years that I take 15 minutes to pick up right before bedtime, and another quick pickup after the morning rush. I always scoffed saying I was too tired, until I found myself the last few nights starting the dishwasher and wiping down the bathroom before bed so it would be nice in the morning. I have asked my husband to make sure the kitchen table is cleared off before bed because I cannot stand a table mess first thing in the morning. We are working with the kids to pick up before bed.
As I write about all this preparation, I wonder then how I can clean my attitudes and behaviors towards God. I reconnect with God each spring during Lent and experience the closest times with Him during Easter. No wonder I find the spring to be my most creative time during the year, too.
To be creative, to actually create and to have the presence of mind to take the time to do it are all a matter of preparation. I want to be able to plan for a creative moment but all who have stared at a blank screen when they finally have time to write and NOTHING is there understand that creativity doesn't always happen that way.
I had a break in lessons yesterday and took the extra time to sing for the first time in a few months. It felt so good and I cringed and wanted to cry when I was done; the ability to do what I had done isn't there. The muscles tired quickly and the tone wasn't what I wanted. I was still exhilarated by singing, but not satisfied in how it sounded. I don't know what to sing anymore. There is no opera career to look for, no recital circuit, no church singing anytime soon. My next engagement is July's faculty recital and I am not sure I will have to sing that.
I am supposed to sing. I need to sing.
All facets of my life are craving order and discipline. I want to be hospitable to my family and friends, I want to create free from worry and guilt, I want to enjoy and cherish the gifts I have been given. Just getting this down in writing will help when I approach and ask to lay this down. Let's see what happens.
Monday, March 1, 2010
It's peace
2010~ This winter has passed, it's transition time. Spring is simply happening with the birds heralding the passing of cold. Our family is settling into a new reality and it is nice. Blogs are sort of the old thing with facebook and twitter being the new, but this is still my journal. No Readers? No Problem!
I don't know why I titled this It's Peace, (or why I title before I write), because so much conflict has been a part of my life. It's not heavy conflict, but worthy conflict. I am trying to not approach it like an adversary, rather as an old friend who needs delicate hands. My brain is currently on an overload of new possibilities and old internal fights. I don't often feel nudged to do things, I usually try and uber control situations until the right things just happen. However now I am being nudged and it's not going to be easy to obey. The good news is that it is nothing pressing, nothing that has to be done TODAY. The hard part is going to be trying to explain myself without using the cliches of 'God told me to do it'. How do you be real about talking with God? Honestly? Seriously? And that he has a directive for me? And it doesn't include much of what I have been doing professionally or spiritually?
And that's another thing entirely. Wrestling has been keeping me up at night.
I need to maintain the perspective of Who. It's not often that He says go, and the opportunity to so clearly say yes is a blessing. I want to do what He says, I don't think I have the ability. And that's where blogging comes in. This new direction is going to require writing- and not the crappy self centered writing I normally do. Therefore, just like the good musician I am, I feel I need to be disciplined in this craft, and practice often.
I don't know why I titled this It's Peace, (or why I title before I write), because so much conflict has been a part of my life. It's not heavy conflict, but worthy conflict. I am trying to not approach it like an adversary, rather as an old friend who needs delicate hands. My brain is currently on an overload of new possibilities and old internal fights. I don't often feel nudged to do things, I usually try and uber control situations until the right things just happen. However now I am being nudged and it's not going to be easy to obey. The good news is that it is nothing pressing, nothing that has to be done TODAY. The hard part is going to be trying to explain myself without using the cliches of 'God told me to do it'. How do you be real about talking with God? Honestly? Seriously? And that he has a directive for me? And it doesn't include much of what I have been doing professionally or spiritually?
And that's another thing entirely. Wrestling has been keeping me up at night.
I need to maintain the perspective of Who. It's not often that He says go, and the opportunity to so clearly say yes is a blessing. I want to do what He says, I don't think I have the ability. And that's where blogging comes in. This new direction is going to require writing- and not the crappy self centered writing I normally do. Therefore, just like the good musician I am, I feel I need to be disciplined in this craft, and practice often.
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