Crazy Mama Daybook

I'm feeling a little off this early morning.  CB has a broken fever, hurrah, Baby Belle is teething or not happy about weaning, or really really hungry and so I have been up all night.  Not only that, but I didn't eat much dinner last night and my stomach is hungry.  I am tired of nursing, tired of nursing and tired.  And hungry.  And tired.  So tired.  And a little snappy at the small people.  
I'm eating one piece of rye bread toast, one cup of herbal tea and half a cold piece of pizza.  I feel much better.
I'm wearing my favorite black lounge pants, a long black sweater, gray tank and gray slippers.  I have to go teach at noon.  I may just stay in my cozy clothes.
I'm pondering lots of random things.  My friend Katie from high school has a beautiful blog with lots of great photos and wonderful writing.  She and I used to sing Indigo Girl covers for fun, we worked in the same place at different times, and she has dealt with way more loss in her life.  I don't really know her anymore, but I feel connected to her through her writing.  It's good to know the young woman I knew is still there-  thriving, honest, and open about her life.
I'm also pondering home schooling.  I have a child who would thrive in an alternative school setting.  The hard part will be convincing her daddy that it's ok to stay home and learn.  I say we should try for 1 year and see how it goes.  Well? Continue.  Not well?  Parkside El is around the corner.  But what is truly best for Cocopugs?
I am going to try for a little nap.  Maybe I'll do a daybook again when I'm not so scattered.

Intention

I hear a lot from the new age movement about Holding an Intention for someone, which basically means to think thoughts about them and those things will come to them.  I don’t subscribe to that thinking, I tend to pray.  But the word Intention peaks my interest.  

My intention is to create opportunities in our home, opportunities to create, to learn, to have relationship, to love.  Here’s where I’m at now.  

Disciplined

I follow through:  When I tell someone I am going to do something, I do it.  This is actually a driving force of my nature.  It is sometimes the bane of my existence, too.  Because I recognize that I am true to my word, I weigh what I say, and be intentional about the things I promise.  This goes with being a disciplined person.  Now, my mom did ask me to walk her dog a few weeks ago and I TOTALLY FORGOT.  The poor doggie sat at home all day with not a person to hang out with.  My intention was good; follow through bad.  Jasmine forgave me.  I scratched her behind the ears for a few minutes.  We’re good. 

Pumpkins!

 I have a daily routine:  I am trying to follow some semblance of a daily routine which makes me somewhat predictable and therefore stable to the kids.  I am intentionally taking time daily to be sure that we have a relatively clean home, good food, and time to share together resting, reading, learning, crafting, cooking. (that’s a whole post unto itself) Of those, my husband actually does the crafting part.  He and the girls made paper puppets last week and they were awesome!  They acted out a little halloween play and had a great time.   He carved pumpkins with them, gardens with them, and draws and paints with them.  

I foster independence:   My oldest daughter is 7, and ready for a lot less mommy control.  She is responsible to get herself dressed and ready for school everyday.  She showers herself, does her own hair (if she chooses to), picks out her own clothes, and gets her own breakfast.  She sorts laundry, picks up the living room, practices piano and does her homework with minimal help.  I am intentional about the time I spend correcting her.  I abide by the Dr’s first ethics rule:  Do No Harm.  Sometimes I ask her why, or let her know what the weather is like so she can make informed choices, but mostly she gets to deal with her own consequences.   

Separation Anxiety

The other two girls are in various stages of separation anxiety and still want some mommy control.  I’m glad to give it.  

I love unconditionally:  There are a few signs around my house- you know some of that cheesy wall art-  one says “Always and Forever, No Matter What”   one says “Hope”  and one says “Peace”  those are the things I desire for my family, and love overlooks a lot of bad.  As we’ve gotten older the bad has gotten significantly less bad, and the good has gotten significantly better.   This family is not all about me and what I can or cannot do.  It's about creating bonds and relationships that will last and be healthy.  
I intend to set the tone for my family. 

Back to Vocation

Good Morning my favorite 4 people who read my blog!
This weekend I was honored to speak at the Time to Rise conference. It was a good experience and one I would do again.  I learned a few things during this whole process:

• God is faithful.  Even though I was woefully underprepared with my actual speech, I think the point of 'Your vocation as a musician is important' got across despite me and my own self issues.  
• Christ's body is a very unique and diverse place, and I loved being exposed to the raw emotion of dancing people, grandmas on their knees worshiping, people falling prostrate to the cross, and other hallmarks of Evangelical/ Pentecostal worship.  On one hand, I was a little overwhelmed and freaked out by it, but on the other hand, it was beautiful expressions of love for God.  I was moved by it.  Remind me next time to wear waterproof mascara because I can't sing 'Mighty to Save' without it.  
• While I was talking about vocation, (literally during the first session) I realized that I am so fortunate to have 2 vocations that are deeply and totally God driven.  I was talking about liturgical worship and in my head realized that living the liturgy on a daily basis actually encompasses both the mothering vocation and the musician vocation.  I am going to really focus on how to do this on a daily basis using Luther's Small Catechism.   Elizabeth Foss does this beautifully (in the Catholic way) on her blog, In the Heart of my Home.
• I made a playlist on my i-Pod for the listening portion of my talk.  I never got to play any of it due to some logistical shuffling at the last minute.  But I am listening to that playlist right now and IT IS GOOD.  It start with Bach and includes a wide swath of music briefly exposing the heritage of the church. 
• I learned a beautiful thing from Laura Story during her songwriting session.  She is the worship leader at a church for her 'real' job.  She writes specifically for the church she works at.  She feels called to interpret for the specific body of Christ she works for.  I love that idea because it reiterates the hand of God putting her vocation to work in a direct and meaningful way for Him through her.  I love a good paradigm shift.   

I really enjoyed the sessions, I enjoyed teaching, and I enjoyed meeting new people and reconnecting with my friend Sarah.  I loved singing and being a part of a great worshiping crowd.  I can't wait to start working again in my home and getting back to vocation #1.

Alone and awake, I look at the stars...

It's another of those times:  1:30AM and I'm awake!!  Bear with the disjointed thoughts.  
Today, Marybeth Whalen's blog mentioned Psalm 16:7, "I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me."  
And here I am wrestling instead of receiving instruction.  So many people I know are suffering in sickness and death, prayers seemingly unanswered or open-ended.  Family and church situations are hurtful, unsaid anger and frustrations are too much to go into here, and I am tired of hashing and rehashing them.  I just want to rest.   


Calm down, Janie, there are a few promises to behold.  


My favorite:
Exodus 6:6 (NASV)
Say, therefore, to the sons of Israel,  I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, and I will deliver you from their bondage I will also redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great judgments.
This verse makes me want to cry, and I love this version-  that outstretched arm is none other than Jesus, right?  And all those judgements went to Him.  But we still get the grace, we still get the salvation, we still get the love of God, the blessing of God, the presence of God.  I get all of that from this verse.   


Here's another one:
Lamentations 3:21-26 (NIV)
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.  
I hear a biblical "Relax" in this verse.  Especially in the situations I am facing currently.  Don't you ever feel completely consumed in your life?  Legit or dramatic.  Your problems?  God didn't consume the bush while He inhabited it talking to Moses, He is not going to consume me, but be compassionate to me.  And then the second part is not so easy.  Patience is a virtue because it is NOT NATURAL.  At least in me.  But my hope is in Him.  Not in me, not in the leaders of my church, not in my husband, family or humanity in general.  Not in medicine, not in the media.  In Him.  In Him.  In Him.  The pressure is off.  I can't do anything to control what is coming, or what will happen.  And really?  What do I fear?  Death?  Loneliness?  No.  In Him is hope, life.  


Here's the last one:
Romans 8:6, 38-39
...the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace...
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 


And I think now I can sleep.  
Amen

Wednesday Hussle

Today started well enough: alarm, baby up, sisters up, all in mommy's bed to snuggle and doze, a nice way to start a gloomy day.  It could be the highlight of any day, but it really WAS the highlight of today.  Well, maybe the beef stroganoff, but we'll get there.
All I wanted was to follow my nice little schedule today.  Just stay on task, just have things follow one after another.   Remember my post from last weds?  Tick Tick Tick, jobs done.  Not today.
While I was dozing with darling children, Pat came in and told me some mumbo-jumbled words about water in the closet downstairs and maybe we should clean out the closet pretty soon.  And also to soak the meat in milk for beef stroganoff for supper.  Then he kissed us all and went on his way.
We had breakfast on time.  I took the beef out of the fridge to soak, but never made it to the milk.  It sat on the counter.  We took CB to school on time, then stopped in Walmart, something I am loathe to do.  I did get 5 deep dish pie pans for $3.95 a piece.  My first catering purchase.  While in Walmart, Cocopugs mentioned that her throat hurt, but wasn't nutty so I let it go.  I struggled out to the car with pie plates in flimsy plastic bags on one hand, Mz Bell slipping out of my other arm and Coco wandering away.  I became one of THOSE moms at Walmart:  GIT BACK HERE, YOU!.  I am ashamed of me.

On to preschool where I was pulling into the parking lot and a little boy darted right in front of me, and I mean to say *heart-stopping-lightning-fast-but-all-in-slow-motion* in front of me.  And I saw the look of sheer terror on his face when he realized what he had done, and his mama was crying and I was in shock.  But he didn't get hit by a car today, and I doubt he will run away like that again.  And my heart just now stopped racing.
I headed home to find my new iPhone was waiting at the door!  YAY!  But I didn't have time to play, and besides, I had to charge it before I could use it.  Mz Bell went down for her nap.
I went to the kitchen and realized that the beef had been sitting on the counter for an hour, so I thought I had better cook it and throw it in the crock pot.  So I tossed it with a little flour, salt and pepper and browned it, and then caramelized some onions and browned mushrooms with garlic. All into the crock pot.
I turned it on to low and went down to the basement.
I opened up the door and the smell of moldy laundry hit me hard.
I sucked it up, emptied the closet, swept and cleaned up the mess and put the dehumidifier to work.
I took the opportunity to go through some old Christmas stuff, holiday stuff, and general stuff.  I threw away a lot of junk.
Baby Belle woke up, had some milk and we went to pick up Coco, get some lunch and go home.
When we walked in the kitchen, I noticed that I had never plugged in the crock pot.  I called my reliable source for all things kitchen edible, Mom.  She said go for it.  So I turned it on high and cooked the hell out of the meat, onions and mushrooms.  
We ate lunch, and my friend Mindy called with bad news.  Her sister has been struggling with an aggressive form of T-cell Lymphoma and did not get the report she was expecting.  Cancer sucks, and we talked for a while as the girls played.  All of a sudden, Coco slapped her hands over her ears and screamed.  I called the doc and we were on our way.
Both ears infected, NO FEVER.  1 trip to meijer and home for naps.
By this time, I am wondering when it's time for a glass of wine.
Graciously, our neighbor picked CB up for school and playtime.
Phone calls, emails, texts to cancel the rest of my day.
Phone call to State Farm for refi:  3.99 30 year fixed.  INSANE!
Homework, computer & iPhone.
Boiled some egg noodles, stir in the sour cream.  Fantastic dinner.  Seriously, and no one has gotten sick yet.
Homework, piano practice, pick up.
My day is ending with Smolen Dance Party, including Beach Boys, Traveling Wilburys, and Bob Dylan.

Wake Up, Mama!

Good Night!

Random Things

Mz Bell checking out Tube Chimes

Cocopugs and her puppet

I am tired.

Last night, we opened the new ArtsInk!  Exhibit at the Children's Discovery Museum.

Coco on the Wii

Tanner K 

Random Little Guy

Colleen T & her Mama

 It was a wonderful event, lots of people trying out the floor piano, the conducting game, and hopscotch rhythm.  There were kids dressing up and putting on shows in the backstage area, and puppet shows.  Some of the older folks were having a hard time with the Wii Remote on You're The Conductor, but not one kid had an issue.  It made me laugh-  the kids knew right away how to find the 'eye' of the Wii, but the adults kept trying to make it more complicated.  I had 5 students there, demonstrating the exhibit, playing the piano and all wearing Smolen Music Studio t-shirts, thus fulfilling my genius plan for child labor marketing.  The entire Smolen family was there, too, playing, chatting and generally having fun.  It was a really nice evening.  Then we came home and circumstances were such that I did not get to have a nice glass of wine and relax with my dear one.  So....

I stayed up and watched Freaks & Geeks while rocking the over stimulated and crying baby.  I forgot how much I loved that show, I laughed out loud so many times-  here's a little clip:

Mama Time

Right now I am sitting at my kitchen table eating dinner at the very chic and fashionable hour of 9PM.  I taught lessons today until 8, came home, kissed the big girls goodnight, nursed the baby, sent my husband outside to have a beer with the neighbor, and made my dinner.  
There were 3 roasted chicken breasts on the counter and some sticky mini raviolis in the strainer on the stove.  I looked in the fridge for some sauce, but it had mold on the lid, so it was a no go.  
Logically, I sauteed the ravs in olive oil until they were crisp, added a diced tomato and some basil and oregano, a touch of salt and pepper, and melted mozerella on top.  
I sliced off a portion of the chicken and VIOLA!  Supper!
I keep forgetting to take pictures of my food!

My long day started at 5AM with the middle girl shouting about her bad dweam.  (her pillow was chomping at her)  Her loud voice wakened the baby who was hungry.  So I comforted and nursed, they both went back to sleep for an hour.  I got up.
7:10 Breakfast (this is late!)
AM spelling session & homework
2 girls to drop off at school, with a different schedule than usual
nurse and put down ze beebo for a nap
start on 6 loads of laundry
clean basement, scrub bathrooms, fold laundry
wake baby, pick up preschooler
make lunch for kids, clean kitchen, mop floor
teach piano & voice lesson at home, with no baby nap
finish folding and putting away laundry
let Bell and Cocopugs play in rooms while I eat my lunch
pick up CB from school
nurse baby, put her down for a nap
review school papers, mail, check email 
go to teach at 4.  


Days like today go fast, but it's hard to relax in the evening.  
I think it's time to open the wine.