Overwhelmed

This is just my first class in graduate school, and I find myself overwhelmed.
What does overwhelmed look like?

• A cold.  A sore throat and a chest cough.  Tired and tired. 

• Strange obsessive behaviors with Facebook.  Why am I checking it all the time?  Because I am on the computer writing all the time.  I might have to disable my account.  I look at FB as the computer version of the break room-  sometimes you go in there and someone has brought in donuts!  Hurray!  And sometimes you go in there to hide from doing any actual work.  Unfortunately I have been using it to hide.
• An inability to keep up with my daily life.  I had a meeting last night and completely forgot to reschedule my studio time.  I was emailing parents at the last minute trying to reschedule for the weekend.  Only one kid fell through the cracks, but I strive to maintain consistency for lessons.  I have never forgotten to reschedule a night off in 12 years of teaching.    
• An inability to keep up with home life.  I find myself on the computer so much that I am neglecting the kids, not cooking, laundry is piling up, and I am not respecting my self imposed boundaries of working only while the kids are asleep.  This is project week, so I should cut myself a little slack.   

This is a journey, not a sprint.  This is a journey, not a sprint.  This is a journey, not a sprint.  

On the upside, I really love the work.  I love writing, I love revising, and I love thinking.  

Ok.  It's just this week.  I can get through it.  

September Daybook

The first cold morning of the season is here!
I am.... snuggled up in my best chair with my favorite blanket wrapped around me.  It was dark when I got up, but now the sun is playing with the trees, stretching long shadows across my street.  It's going to be a gorgeous day.   
I am.....trying to glean research papers for source work on my group project for school.  Scholarly writing is a little dry, but even at that, I still find the subject fascinating.  While I'm working,  I can listen to Bach keyboard works, I can listen to Trio Sonatas, I cannot listen to songs.  My brain bends too close to singing than thinking.   I find myself breathing in phrases and then humming, and then completely distracted and done.   
I am.....listening to german art songs, hence the blog post vs the researching.  Now there are small people up getting zucchini bread (kunni bread as Bity calls it) and ready for breakfast.  
I can't wait to walk the kids to school, have a hot cup of tea and enjoy today.  

Kindergarten Blues

I have mixed feelings about kindergarten.  
Ms Cocopugs is a sensitive child, a sweet child with a grand imagination.  She plays independently and creates worlds of her own.  She pretends to read really big books along with her big sister, and she does recite from memory lots of little books to N.  

CB had an annual Dr visit today and her return to school coincided with lunch.  Being the health wise mother that I am, I picked up McD's Happy Meals with fries & chocolate milk and had lunch with my best little girls.  

Lunch in elementary school is loud.  

Really really loud.

The principle is loud and extremely direct.  

Usually Ms Pugs is right in with the loud, happy and chatting, trying to open food, eat and socialize.  

Today she just wanted to talk to her mama and it was too loud.  

She cried.  I wanted to cry.  She begged me to take her home.  I so much wanted to.  She settled for the playground and N and I walked away.  

Am I doing the right thing?  Is this the environment for a sensitive child?  Can't I have her at home with me for one more year?  

Art Institute

3:00 AM:  Online looking at maps of how exactly to park at the Art Institute of Chicago, and then floor plans of the exhibits.  I had recommendations to check out American Art & Impressionists, and also I needed to see the sculptures and textiles.  Back to bed for another couple hours of rest.

6:00 AM:  Up and dressed to water outside and take in the recycling.  Home again to pack everything up, then get the small people up, fed, showered and dressed.   Remembered to grab Monet plate books, a watercolor book and the Seurat picture book.  A cup of tea for the road, some extra guests and we're off!

8:30 AM:  On the road.  Coldplay, Zeppelin, Fiona, Feist, Wheezer & Blues Brothers.  I have to put on the soundtrack right about I-55 & the exit to 294-  it gets us to the loop right about the time Sweet Home Chicago starts.   There's something to that music and the Sears Tower.

11:00 AM:  Park, Park Park, Stand in Line, Stand in Line, Stand in Line.  Patient children are sketching pictures of the IBM Building, the people around us, and Cocopugs is drawing a scene with Carrot people.  Yes, Carrot people.

11-12:30:  Walk into the Lower level south wing:  American Art until 1900.  Breathe deeply at the lovely sculpture room preceding the exhibit.  Ahhh....   The older children sketch pictures of sculptures and portraits, the college girl takes photos with her fancy pants camera, I walk in front of people, and I am really looking looking looking at the pictures.  A guard gently stops me "please don't let your child touch the lines."  Ok.  Cocopugs asks where the playroom is.  Temper tantrum due to no playroom and realization that her day will consist of looking at pictures, furniture and cloth.

12:30:  LUNCH.  a lovely afternoon of delicious and small bites.  We all left still hungry.  Made the grumpy Cocopugs smile when I gave her the camera and told her to start snapping photos of the bold and hungry duck hanging out around us.  Belly Baby sat at the table like a big girl drinking water out of a  big girl glass and smiling like the Cheshire Cat.  CB drew a textured picture of an alligator-  I knew all those episodes of Swamp People would pay off somehow.  Our sweet guests charmed us with their smiles and wonderful conversation.  Bonds were made, fun was had by all.

Cocopugs Tree Photo

1:00-2:  Impressionists.  It was like I walked into a room of old friends who were just there waiting for me to say hi!  and WOW  your color is GREAT!  I've been looking at prints of these paintings my whole life and to see their real colors, the brushstrokes of the masters, the personality of each artist shining beautifully was overwhelming.  I decided then and there that while I love love love having the kids and guests with me, I am going to treat myself sometime soon to a solo trip to Chi-town and the Art Institute so I can really sit and look.  And breathe.

Now the best story of the day:   Miss Cocopugs was feeling better after lunch, but still a little bothered by the whole thing.  We looked at all the Impressionists, and she sat beside Belly Baby in the stroller and looked at books.  We brought along a nice little book called Sunday with Seurat.  It's a book we've had forever-  sort of eaten around the edges, obviously well loved.  We stepped into the room with 'Sunday on La Grande Jatte' and she jumped out of her seat yelling "it's here!  ITS HERE!  Mom!  Do you see how big the picture is?  Look at the ladies!  Look at the dogs!" and on and on.  Baby Belle noticed the monkey and dog right away, and we saw the little girl with her mama and the umbrella.  That picture made the whole day for Coco.  Art Matters.

Our Friends Mason F & Griffin H

2:00 PM:  Leave the museum after Baby Belle meltdown in the museum store.  Headed over for a quick walk in Millenium Park, but only made it a few steps before we all decided we were too hot to explore, and we all wanted ice cream.  So back into the car for an excruciating drive on 55.  

 2:30 PM:  If you would have passed us on the road, you would have seen a middle-aged mama hoppin to FloRida, Britney, Justin and Plain White T's.  And after Ice Cream, you would have seen a car of quiet sleepy kids, and heard a lovely Chopin Mazurka.

It was a lovely day with wonderful people.  Can't wait to do it again soon!

August Daybook

Is it really August?
The heat and the anxiety tell me YES!  School is coming.

Today:
I am wearing a green housedress I put on after my swim.  Today I tread water for 20 minutes while watching the big girls have lessons, and then I spent the next 20 minutes treading water & catching as they gleefully jumped off the diving board.  I always forget about this dress, and the minute I put it on I remember why I LOVE IT!  It is cute and so comfortable-  effortless dressing.   And barefoot.  Always barefoot.

I am reading Science Secrets, it is a fun read- mostly a study in semantics and since I grew up with the grammar police and those who know how much words matter I am enjoying it immensely.

I am listening to Talent is Overraated  on Audible (my new favorite thing).  I went on a cleaning frenzy last Friday night, listening to the book and cleaning until about midnight.  I think I may have found how to keep our house clean.
I have also been listening to Dvorak Stabat Mater and Beethoven's Ghost Trio Sonata.  Just a little preview of fall music repertoire.  

In our garden, the broccoli is done, the basil was a tasty treat for the Japanese Beetles, and our tomatoes are perfect with a little salt/ pepper/ fresh chives.  In fact, we are having some for dinner.  Speaking of dinner, there is a chicken pot pie cooking for the extremely picky Cocopugs who asked for some 'HOT FOOD, MAMA!  I"M TIRED OF COLD FOOD!'.  Ok.  Point taken.

Around the house changes are coming to the flow and rhythm of the furniture.  I have a big change in mind, and my friends are coming to help.  I can't wait-  Will post pics soon...

And the timer for dinner is going off and I have to get back to real life.

Freedom & Truth

God's loyal love couldn't have run out, 
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning. 
   How great your faithfulness!
Lamentations 22-23, The Message


I have to update my Sunday night post.  


Last week, I knew I wasn't feeling quite right physically, and part of that included feeling grumpy and blah.  Monday I went to the doc and got the medicine I needed and am feeling tons better.  


In the same way, after writing that post, I needed a little spiritual medicine.  My mom reminded me to not listen to the big lies whispered quietly.  And then I read this, from Oswald Chambers:


"The continual grubbing on the inside to see whether we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, morbid type of Christianity, not the robust, simple life of the child of God....Launch out in reckless belief that the Redemption is complete and then bother no more about yourself, but begin to do as Christ said- pray for the friend who comes to you at midnight, pray for the saints, pray for all men.  Pray for the realization that you are only perfect in Christ Jesus."


I think this is freedom in two ways:  the first being freedom from our sin, second being free from our selves.  This is sweet and comforting.  


Now the difficult part is recognizing what is legitimate self evaluation and how to continually believe God for the Truth.  I e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y get there, but I want to get there faster next time without the 2 weeks of festering doubt.  Just like I knew I needed to get to the doc last week but put it off.  I don't want to do the same thing spiritually.   


I have stripey Pj's snuggling next to me and hungry big girls hanging around so my day is starting...   Enjoy yours!

Sunday Day (night) book

The men in my life are truly good men.  One is here in my own house, zonked out right here beside me in his clothes.  He's not snoring, but the remote is hanging in his hand haphazardly.  He may be drooling, I'm not getting up to check.
I was not the ideal happy wifey today.  I was grumpy, argumentative, and short tempered.  I know.  Hard to believe.
But I felt justified.
I wasn't.
He maintained sanity around me today, he showed me grace.  It was humbling.
So here I sit, ready to confess my day.  Not to you, dear reader.  You're getting the glossy night-book version.   SO....
I am sitting:  On my couch laptop in lap TV blaring stupid show but remote is stuck two cushions down, and I won't interrupt the pre-bedtime nap.
I am wearing: Jeans because I caught a snippet of video of me wearing a skirt recently and it wasn't nearly as cool as I thought it was.  I think jeans might be my best bet until I lose this stupid 15 lbs.  Yes, I am obsessive, and yes, it could be a problem.  But I'm swimming and walking and eating ok, so health is good.  And that should be enough.  
I heard today:  snippets of a sermon because Bity Boo couldn't stay quiet during church AT ALL.  But what I heard was good.   Even better when it's shown to you in unexpected ways.  Also, Bity sings with serious gusto-  I can hear her all the way up at the piano.  It makes my heart happy.
I am reading:  The Hobbit with Carrie.  Bilbo Baggins is such a delightful character, but Gollum's voice was fun to do...  she thought I was creepy!!  Mission accomplished.
I am feeling:  completely inadequate in so many areas.  Most of the time, I just feel inadequate in 1 or 2 spots.  But right now, today, it all just feels difficult.  I hate self pity parties and FAIL.  But the introvert inside is thriving and the self speak isn't all that positive.  Just when I think she's under control something triggers the ugliness.  GO AWAY INTROVERT NUTBALL!
What I need:  3 day retreat where no one is talking to me and I can read and write and chill and come to terms with the fact that I can't be perfect at everything, and I am not even going to be good at most things.  There are a few things I do really really well and those should be enough.  I make a pretty good cheesecake.  Consolation.
I am going to stop:  The pity party.  You (the reader) are sort of witnessing the end of the party-  just the fact that I'm writing this instead of thinking it is good.  If I let it all fester in my mind, it just gets worse.   And so.  This week will be better.