New Year Motivations

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

God promises:
To listen whenever we care to engage Him in conversation
To work all things for good, regardless of our control attempts
To provide eternal rest through his son, Jesus

I have made promises before, I am not perfect at keeping them. As I have gotten older, I recognize what motivates me to keep my promises, and it is Love. Real love, not lust, not passion, not hey, I kind of like you, but sacrificing, I don’t want to change you Love. I am fortunate enough to have a huge variety of people in my life: Christian, Jewish, atheists, agnostics, some very religious, some anti religious. My faith is constantly tested, challenged, and heavily weighed in my own mind.
There are facets of modern Christianity that really make me angry, some I completely question, and some areas I totally fail in. I attempt to live a thoughtful, creative life consistent with the mind and life I have been graciously given. I fail even at this. I desire good, and believe good motivates most people. I am honestly surprised when ill intentions are revealed and even then I attempt to find some good in the bad choices.
I become overwhelmed with what people think of me, how they think of me, and why they think of me. Sometimes this motivates my behavior, and it is an honest yet ugly thing. But it is human.
My resolution this year is to be motivated by Love, not self.
God sets us up for this beautifully in Corinthians 13. I had lots of time to ruminate on these words when I worked for the archdiocese of Chicago and listened to the same homily week after week at wedding after wedding. Aha! It’s about God. And Perfect Love. And motivation by the standards of behaviors set up by the verses. It takes time and effort to explore relationships to the point of being able to apply the motivating behaviors of Love, and show others God’s love before your own. But first, the realization must set in that God loves you in this way, and that God does not ask you to change, His love just changes your perspective on all things. And you change. (this is not an overnight trip, BTW, God works in His own time. Sometimes, progress is slow)
I certainly don’t have perfect relationships, but I try to maintain honesty and integrity, and thoughtfulness. I want to live with Intrinsic Obligation: motivation based on what an individual thinks ought to be done. And here it is: Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Happy New Year!

Christmastime Is Here!

Christmas Things are happening around here!

• Cocopugs has a Christmas book called Christmastime is Here! AND I always sing the Peanuts Christmas Song until she tells me to 'just read it, mama!'


• A student of mine dropped off a HUGE fruit and candy basket yesterday. We have been low on fruit because Pat has been doing the majority of the shopping and only buys for a day of eating. CB and Coco each ate a pear, and kiwi and an apple yesterday. It was so very kind and unexpected.


• We just made our Christmas Beds with red and green flannel sheets for the girls, and pink moose flannel sheets for us. Cozy and Dorky all at the same time.


• I made my last minute run to Target last night for the stockings and a frantic gift exchange. I must have a bag of Ghiridelli Chocolate Mint squares, and Pat must have a tin of Hazelnut Chocolate Pirouettes. The kids get an apple, and orange, and some candy canes. (and a movie to watch on the way to Gramma's)


• CB is SO excited she is driving me crazy getting into things, helping me organize the fruit basket stuff, and sneaking candy at the same time. Like I don't notice she's totally wired. Ahhh..she comes by the sneakiness honestly.


• The last of the wrapping will be done tonight either at home of Gramma's depending on the weather. I hope Pat gets home early and we can leave, but otherwise we will enjoy a quiet day around here.

Merry Christmas!!

Wack-o!

This week, I kept starting a new post: 3 times I have sat down with a genius plan and then..nothing.
I am not a writer, so writers' block is not the answer. There is no pressure here to write concise and perfectly coherent masterpieces. This is my journal, and my easy rules of obligation are to work out my own thoughts and tell you five crazy readers how I maintain my sanity.
Here's my week:
#1: My daughter may indeed have juvenille reumetoid arthritis. This threw me for a loop Tuesday, it was a long night of wondering what all was going to change, be adjusted, and how this would affect the childhood of my daughters. Treatment right now is easy, and her pain is managed well. Funny I wrote a blog about faith on Monday, and then am forced to rely on God for comfort and peace during a moment of crisis. But I did, which means my faith isn't weak, it's evolving. I still have big questions, but that's just how I was made.
#2: I have been busy, and actually getting happier as I prepare for Christmas. All the musical engagements I have had are almost over, they have been a lot of fun and I was only seriously nervous last night during the ISO Pops Concert. The Chorale I direct sang 3 accapella pieces arranged by one of my students. It was great- BUT I was nervous until I got out there and just did it and it was fun- who knew?!?
#3: I have to wrap presents today. I get to go to the Nutcracker with CB- she jumped into bed with me at 6:30 (AGhh?!?!?) excited about going to the ballet. And then I get to vamp on the Steinway and sing for 6 hours at the non-profit mansion I work for. A fun day!!
#4: I am looking forward to going to the In-Laws on Tuesday. They are Polish and make a lot of great food, enjoy a good cocktail and visiting, and they help me get things ready for the big day. It is a huge departure for years past when we would leave on Christmas Eve at 11:30PM and get home at about 2AM Chrismas morning. I am looking forward to not being exhausted on Christmas Day, and sharing our special morning with Gramma and Grampa.
Leah is writing! Merry Christmas!
xzi2XZ]jn b
And how do I maintain my sanity right now?
(Well, I store it in the freeeeezer, and it's Polish and ends with a Nostrovia!) :-)

The Litany

My mom and I had a long conversation Thursday about different issues, and she told me I am too hard on myself.
I have a lot to do, and am not really enjoying it the way I should be. Running from event to event, cleaning the house in between, crabby to my husband and children, and blogging when I should be doing something else. I have time to relax and rest, I have the margin, and still I don't even know where to start.
Anxiety and depression have been factors before, but not really acknowledged or recognized until they are well passed. Then I look back and say- Man, I was a mess! I should have, could have, etc.
However, here we are:
Is this situational? Does this occur when I am overwhelmed with responsibilities? Is it simply a state of panic?
Creative sanity is not Drugged Sanity, but yesterday I was watching a show where a mom was abusing Ritalin and I thought...hmmmm I think I know how I could get some, and then I too could get things done.
That moment lasted a little too long for my comfort.
My mama and I were discussing faith.
I have control issues.
Faith is hard.
I keep thinking: Work as though it is all up to you and Pray as if it is all up to God.
I can't do that. I just work as though it is all up to me, because ultimately it seems to be. If I don't manage everything at home, bills don't get paid, house stays a mess, kids are neglected and watch too much TV, and I am a machine just working and producing.
I pray, but I hate asking God for help because I am so blessed. I have so much love, so much joy and so much comfort. How can I ask the God of the Universe, Father of the Son to help me with MORE? Especially when my drama is self made? Especially when others really are hurting, sick, hungry and cold? I feel like an ingrate.
What are God's promises?
The desire of my heart is to truly enjoy and appreciate all the gifts given, and cheerfully and happily manage all the details that go along with these gifts.
Most of the time when I journal on paper such things just become prayer.
and so, Amen.

The Best Christmas Card Ever

Inside it has hearts in red, and is signed by my preschooler.

True Love!

Mulling Christmas & Spiced Cider

#1: We should really honestly call it Spiked Cider just to be accurate.
#2: Can you imagine the fun Mary and her cousin Elizabeth had when they were both prego AND Zachariah couldn't talk? (Zach honey? Can Mary stay for another month? What's that? I can't hear you?!?!) Further proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. That story cracks me up!
#3: We have a tree. I purchased it with CB. It was NOT the Norman Rockwell family gathered contemplating the perfect specimen, It was me and her. We were cold. She was enamoured with the flocked trees, I was happy that Ed tied the tree to the car. We did not go for flocking. We went with De-Flocked.
#4: I will be buying an artificial tree for next year.
#5: Pat is cleaning. WOO HOO!!
#6: Pan fried breaded pork chops with Dijon mustard sauce, mashed potatoes and brownies for supper. Maybe more cider.
#6: continued... Does anyone want to come make this for me?

Mmmm...Paradigm Shift...

I had lunch this week with a bon-a-fide ARTIST. He is graciously helping out the non profit I work for with some design work and advertising. We had a nice lunch and productive meeting, with some great new projects in the works.

During the course of our talk, we discussed various aspects of our work that is frustrating.

It frustrates me that music is so fleeting. I worked very hard for 8 months on a recital: learned 18 songs, 13 that made the cut, detailed language work, memorization, rhythm and melody, coordinated rehearsals, and balanced life in the middle. It was absolutely worth it, and the work is not the problem, in fact it is the pleasure of the job. But the performance is the icing on the cake, and it was over in an hour. 1 HOUR!!

There is a beautiful DVD of the performance, and a great CD with the dress rehearsal complete with cherished comments by my coach. There are my own memories, my children and husband's recall, and about 50 folks who made the effort to listen. All those are wonderful, but abstract. Skewed by perspective and time, media is not concrete. Memories are not reliable. I want that moment back, that time of performing, the finished product, imperfections and all.

So I am relaying this to my friend, who patiently sits there, looks at me and then proceeds to tell me how hard it is for an artist with the ability to constantly change a finished product, looking at how he has evolved, constantly seeing his work as 'In Progress'. Then he says to me:

"At least it's not around all the time to haunt you"

Indeed, indeed.