My mom and I had a long conversation Thursday about different issues, and she told me I am too hard on myself.
I have a lot to do, and am not really enjoying it the way I should be. Running from event to event, cleaning the house in between, crabby to my husband and children, and blogging when I should be doing something else. I have time to relax and rest, I have the margin, and still I don't even know where to start.
Anxiety and depression have been factors before, but not really acknowledged or recognized until they are well passed. Then I look back and say- Man, I was a mess! I should have, could have, etc.
However, here we are:
Is this situational? Does this occur when I am overwhelmed with responsibilities? Is it simply a state of panic?
Creative sanity is not Drugged Sanity, but yesterday I was watching a show where a mom was abusing Ritalin and I thought...hmmmm I think I know how I could get some, and then I too could get things done.
That moment lasted a little too long for my comfort.
My mama and I were discussing faith.
I have control issues.
Faith is hard.
I keep thinking: Work as though it is all up to you and Pray as if it is all up to God.
I can't do that. I just work as though it is all up to me, because ultimately it seems to be. If I don't manage everything at home, bills don't get paid, house stays a mess, kids are neglected and watch too much TV, and I am a machine just working and producing.
I pray, but I hate asking God for help because I am so blessed. I have so much love, so much joy and so much comfort. How can I ask the God of the Universe, Father of the Son to help me with MORE? Especially when my drama is self made? Especially when others really are hurting, sick, hungry and cold? I feel like an ingrate.
What are God's promises?
The desire of my heart is to truly enjoy and appreciate all the gifts given, and cheerfully and happily manage all the details that go along with these gifts.
Most of the time when I journal on paper such things just become prayer.
and so, Amen.
3 comments:
I think this is something you will continue to revisit in your life until you learn to deal with it properly. I remember last year you went through a similar time and your reaction to it was similar.
I feel like some life lessons we have to learn over and over again. We all have that "thing" we need to work on. I have my own issues as well (like playing well with others--I need to still work on that and showing more grace to people). Sometimes I think we need to revisit it until we get it right.
I think it is an illness of our society, we are so hard on ourselves. Mom's today feel this intense pressure to be the best mom's, so our kids can have the best life. We never cut ourselves any slack. I do the exact same thing. I torture myself over the percieved missteps in raising Cole (weirdly enough I never worry about Cooper and how I am doing with him). Am I too strict and I too controlling, should I loosen up.
uuugghh...this could be my own blog post, I could just go on and on.
Bottomline: yes...you are too hard on yourself, yes...you are stretching yourself too thin.
Whats the answer...? Don't know.
I can relate in many ways to this post. :) It seems to go in cycles for me too. (anxiety not as much, but definately depression)
We all have our issues. I think that if we didn't, we wouldn't need to depend on God for anything. So, if it all pushes you to realize how much you need Him, it is probably a good thing. He really does want you to bring every thing to him as unfathomable as that thought is, its true - praise God!
Praying for you friend.
Well said my good sista... Now STOP IT! By getting goofy with your girls and let loose for a little bit. Take a spontaneous Christmas Carol interpretive dance break. You won't regret it. I'm totally with you and the more messages I hear about "stopping to smell the roses" this Christmas season and enjoying the moment blah blah blah, the worse it gets. Madness! Christina, where's your booze?
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