Wack-o!

This week, I kept starting a new post: 3 times I have sat down with a genius plan and then..nothing.
I am not a writer, so writers' block is not the answer. There is no pressure here to write concise and perfectly coherent masterpieces. This is my journal, and my easy rules of obligation are to work out my own thoughts and tell you five crazy readers how I maintain my sanity.
Here's my week:
#1: My daughter may indeed have juvenille reumetoid arthritis. This threw me for a loop Tuesday, it was a long night of wondering what all was going to change, be adjusted, and how this would affect the childhood of my daughters. Treatment right now is easy, and her pain is managed well. Funny I wrote a blog about faith on Monday, and then am forced to rely on God for comfort and peace during a moment of crisis. But I did, which means my faith isn't weak, it's evolving. I still have big questions, but that's just how I was made.
#2: I have been busy, and actually getting happier as I prepare for Christmas. All the musical engagements I have had are almost over, they have been a lot of fun and I was only seriously nervous last night during the ISO Pops Concert. The Chorale I direct sang 3 accapella pieces arranged by one of my students. It was great- BUT I was nervous until I got out there and just did it and it was fun- who knew?!?
#3: I have to wrap presents today. I get to go to the Nutcracker with CB- she jumped into bed with me at 6:30 (AGhh?!?!?) excited about going to the ballet. And then I get to vamp on the Steinway and sing for 6 hours at the non-profit mansion I work for. A fun day!!
#4: I am looking forward to going to the In-Laws on Tuesday. They are Polish and make a lot of great food, enjoy a good cocktail and visiting, and they help me get things ready for the big day. It is a huge departure for years past when we would leave on Christmas Eve at 11:30PM and get home at about 2AM Chrismas morning. I am looking forward to not being exhausted on Christmas Day, and sharing our special morning with Gramma and Grampa.
Leah is writing! Merry Christmas!
xzi2XZ]jn b
And how do I maintain my sanity right now?
(Well, I store it in the freeeeezer, and it's Polish and ends with a Nostrovia!) :-)

The Litany

My mom and I had a long conversation Thursday about different issues, and she told me I am too hard on myself.
I have a lot to do, and am not really enjoying it the way I should be. Running from event to event, cleaning the house in between, crabby to my husband and children, and blogging when I should be doing something else. I have time to relax and rest, I have the margin, and still I don't even know where to start.
Anxiety and depression have been factors before, but not really acknowledged or recognized until they are well passed. Then I look back and say- Man, I was a mess! I should have, could have, etc.
However, here we are:
Is this situational? Does this occur when I am overwhelmed with responsibilities? Is it simply a state of panic?
Creative sanity is not Drugged Sanity, but yesterday I was watching a show where a mom was abusing Ritalin and I thought...hmmmm I think I know how I could get some, and then I too could get things done.
That moment lasted a little too long for my comfort.
My mama and I were discussing faith.
I have control issues.
Faith is hard.
I keep thinking: Work as though it is all up to you and Pray as if it is all up to God.
I can't do that. I just work as though it is all up to me, because ultimately it seems to be. If I don't manage everything at home, bills don't get paid, house stays a mess, kids are neglected and watch too much TV, and I am a machine just working and producing.
I pray, but I hate asking God for help because I am so blessed. I have so much love, so much joy and so much comfort. How can I ask the God of the Universe, Father of the Son to help me with MORE? Especially when my drama is self made? Especially when others really are hurting, sick, hungry and cold? I feel like an ingrate.
What are God's promises?
The desire of my heart is to truly enjoy and appreciate all the gifts given, and cheerfully and happily manage all the details that go along with these gifts.
Most of the time when I journal on paper such things just become prayer.
and so, Amen.

The Best Christmas Card Ever

Inside it has hearts in red, and is signed by my preschooler.

True Love!

Mulling Christmas & Spiced Cider

#1: We should really honestly call it Spiked Cider just to be accurate.
#2: Can you imagine the fun Mary and her cousin Elizabeth had when they were both prego AND Zachariah couldn't talk? (Zach honey? Can Mary stay for another month? What's that? I can't hear you?!?!) Further proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. That story cracks me up!
#3: We have a tree. I purchased it with CB. It was NOT the Norman Rockwell family gathered contemplating the perfect specimen, It was me and her. We were cold. She was enamoured with the flocked trees, I was happy that Ed tied the tree to the car. We did not go for flocking. We went with De-Flocked.
#4: I will be buying an artificial tree for next year.
#5: Pat is cleaning. WOO HOO!!
#6: Pan fried breaded pork chops with Dijon mustard sauce, mashed potatoes and brownies for supper. Maybe more cider.
#6: continued... Does anyone want to come make this for me?

Mmmm...Paradigm Shift...

I had lunch this week with a bon-a-fide ARTIST. He is graciously helping out the non profit I work for with some design work and advertising. We had a nice lunch and productive meeting, with some great new projects in the works.

During the course of our talk, we discussed various aspects of our work that is frustrating.

It frustrates me that music is so fleeting. I worked very hard for 8 months on a recital: learned 18 songs, 13 that made the cut, detailed language work, memorization, rhythm and melody, coordinated rehearsals, and balanced life in the middle. It was absolutely worth it, and the work is not the problem, in fact it is the pleasure of the job. But the performance is the icing on the cake, and it was over in an hour. 1 HOUR!!

There is a beautiful DVD of the performance, and a great CD with the dress rehearsal complete with cherished comments by my coach. There are my own memories, my children and husband's recall, and about 50 folks who made the effort to listen. All those are wonderful, but abstract. Skewed by perspective and time, media is not concrete. Memories are not reliable. I want that moment back, that time of performing, the finished product, imperfections and all.

So I am relaying this to my friend, who patiently sits there, looks at me and then proceeds to tell me how hard it is for an artist with the ability to constantly change a finished product, looking at how he has evolved, constantly seeing his work as 'In Progress'. Then he says to me:

"At least it's not around all the time to haunt you"

Indeed, indeed.

Getting to know you...

This time of year, there is a great emphasis on getting to know the folks around you, the folks you come in contact with daily, the grocer, the mail guy, your neighbors you talk to once or twice a year...
Today something funny happened to me.
I am not a voyeur...but...
I took my shower late this afternoon while my husband took my daughter to the grocery store. Ahh some peace and quiet. I wrapped up in my hearty old robe, grabbed some caramel popcorn and snuggled on the couch to watch Divine Design, my favorite HGTV show.
Our couch faces a large picture window, perfect for watching the western sunset, the trees change color, and actually yes, right into our neighbors front room.
I glanced outside because the dad was tossing a football around with his son, and the toddler was inside pressing his nose against their picture window. All of a sudden, the mama came in, caught her husbands eye, AND FLASHED HIM!!! Aghhh!!! My Eyes!!
It was like a car accident, I couldn't move!
Who does this?!?!
I couldn't stop laughing, and moved away to avoid any further ....ummm... glimpses...

The dad stopped playing football and headed right inside.
Mission Accomplished!

(It should be duly noted for all MOPS readers, that Yes, Becca is my neighbor, and NO she is not the exhibitionist.)

Ok, Nutball

I had good reasons to delete facebook. I had comprehensive, complete ideals where I wanted privacy, time back from the computer, and authenticity in my relationships. The way I was using facebook did not jive with these values.
I joined facebook again.
I cut over half of my friends out of my list, I revamped all my info pages, leaving out detailed information, being truly authentic in who I am as revealed by the profile. The decision to be moderate in my use of facebook is one I think I can handle...

In other news, I found a quote that essentially sums up who I want to be:
The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him his own. -Benjamin Disraeli

I don't take the opportunity to help those I don't know very often, but this quote inspires me to truly attempt to impact those I meet and work with on a daily basis. And it forced me to recognize that I am blessed beyond measure with all that I have and all I can give.

Have you ever found a quote that inspired you in this way?