Alone and awake, I look at the stars...

It's another of those times:  1:30AM and I'm awake!!  Bear with the disjointed thoughts.  
Today, Marybeth Whalen's blog mentioned Psalm 16:7, "I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me."  
And here I am wrestling instead of receiving instruction.  So many people I know are suffering in sickness and death, prayers seemingly unanswered or open-ended.  Family and church situations are hurtful, unsaid anger and frustrations are too much to go into here, and I am tired of hashing and rehashing them.  I just want to rest.   


Calm down, Janie, there are a few promises to behold.  


My favorite:
Exodus 6:6 (NASV)
Say, therefore, to the sons of Israel,  I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, and I will deliver you from their bondage I will also redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great judgments.
This verse makes me want to cry, and I love this version-  that outstretched arm is none other than Jesus, right?  And all those judgements went to Him.  But we still get the grace, we still get the salvation, we still get the love of God, the blessing of God, the presence of God.  I get all of that from this verse.   


Here's another one:
Lamentations 3:21-26 (NIV)
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.  
I hear a biblical "Relax" in this verse.  Especially in the situations I am facing currently.  Don't you ever feel completely consumed in your life?  Legit or dramatic.  Your problems?  God didn't consume the bush while He inhabited it talking to Moses, He is not going to consume me, but be compassionate to me.  And then the second part is not so easy.  Patience is a virtue because it is NOT NATURAL.  At least in me.  But my hope is in Him.  Not in me, not in the leaders of my church, not in my husband, family or humanity in general.  Not in medicine, not in the media.  In Him.  In Him.  In Him.  The pressure is off.  I can't do anything to control what is coming, or what will happen.  And really?  What do I fear?  Death?  Loneliness?  No.  In Him is hope, life.  


Here's the last one:
Romans 8:6, 38-39
...the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace...
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 


And I think now I can sleep.  
Amen

Wednesday Hussle

Today started well enough: alarm, baby up, sisters up, all in mommy's bed to snuggle and doze, a nice way to start a gloomy day.  It could be the highlight of any day, but it really WAS the highlight of today.  Well, maybe the beef stroganoff, but we'll get there.
All I wanted was to follow my nice little schedule today.  Just stay on task, just have things follow one after another.   Remember my post from last weds?  Tick Tick Tick, jobs done.  Not today.
While I was dozing with darling children, Pat came in and told me some mumbo-jumbled words about water in the closet downstairs and maybe we should clean out the closet pretty soon.  And also to soak the meat in milk for beef stroganoff for supper.  Then he kissed us all and went on his way.
We had breakfast on time.  I took the beef out of the fridge to soak, but never made it to the milk.  It sat on the counter.  We took CB to school on time, then stopped in Walmart, something I am loathe to do.  I did get 5 deep dish pie pans for $3.95 a piece.  My first catering purchase.  While in Walmart, Cocopugs mentioned that her throat hurt, but wasn't nutty so I let it go.  I struggled out to the car with pie plates in flimsy plastic bags on one hand, Mz Bell slipping out of my other arm and Coco wandering away.  I became one of THOSE moms at Walmart:  GIT BACK HERE, YOU!.  I am ashamed of me.

On to preschool where I was pulling into the parking lot and a little boy darted right in front of me, and I mean to say *heart-stopping-lightning-fast-but-all-in-slow-motion* in front of me.  And I saw the look of sheer terror on his face when he realized what he had done, and his mama was crying and I was in shock.  But he didn't get hit by a car today, and I doubt he will run away like that again.  And my heart just now stopped racing.
I headed home to find my new iPhone was waiting at the door!  YAY!  But I didn't have time to play, and besides, I had to charge it before I could use it.  Mz Bell went down for her nap.
I went to the kitchen and realized that the beef had been sitting on the counter for an hour, so I thought I had better cook it and throw it in the crock pot.  So I tossed it with a little flour, salt and pepper and browned it, and then caramelized some onions and browned mushrooms with garlic. All into the crock pot.
I turned it on to low and went down to the basement.
I opened up the door and the smell of moldy laundry hit me hard.
I sucked it up, emptied the closet, swept and cleaned up the mess and put the dehumidifier to work.
I took the opportunity to go through some old Christmas stuff, holiday stuff, and general stuff.  I threw away a lot of junk.
Baby Belle woke up, had some milk and we went to pick up Coco, get some lunch and go home.
When we walked in the kitchen, I noticed that I had never plugged in the crock pot.  I called my reliable source for all things kitchen edible, Mom.  She said go for it.  So I turned it on high and cooked the hell out of the meat, onions and mushrooms.  
We ate lunch, and my friend Mindy called with bad news.  Her sister has been struggling with an aggressive form of T-cell Lymphoma and did not get the report she was expecting.  Cancer sucks, and we talked for a while as the girls played.  All of a sudden, Coco slapped her hands over her ears and screamed.  I called the doc and we were on our way.
Both ears infected, NO FEVER.  1 trip to meijer and home for naps.
By this time, I am wondering when it's time for a glass of wine.
Graciously, our neighbor picked CB up for school and playtime.
Phone calls, emails, texts to cancel the rest of my day.
Phone call to State Farm for refi:  3.99 30 year fixed.  INSANE!
Homework, computer & iPhone.
Boiled some egg noodles, stir in the sour cream.  Fantastic dinner.  Seriously, and no one has gotten sick yet.
Homework, piano practice, pick up.
My day is ending with Smolen Dance Party, including Beach Boys, Traveling Wilburys, and Bob Dylan.

Wake Up, Mama!

Good Night!

Random Things

Mz Bell checking out Tube Chimes

Cocopugs and her puppet

I am tired.

Last night, we opened the new ArtsInk!  Exhibit at the Children's Discovery Museum.

Coco on the Wii

Tanner K 

Random Little Guy

Colleen T & her Mama

 It was a wonderful event, lots of people trying out the floor piano, the conducting game, and hopscotch rhythm.  There were kids dressing up and putting on shows in the backstage area, and puppet shows.  Some of the older folks were having a hard time with the Wii Remote on You're The Conductor, but not one kid had an issue.  It made me laugh-  the kids knew right away how to find the 'eye' of the Wii, but the adults kept trying to make it more complicated.  I had 5 students there, demonstrating the exhibit, playing the piano and all wearing Smolen Music Studio t-shirts, thus fulfilling my genius plan for child labor marketing.  The entire Smolen family was there, too, playing, chatting and generally having fun.  It was a really nice evening.  Then we came home and circumstances were such that I did not get to have a nice glass of wine and relax with my dear one.  So....

I stayed up and watched Freaks & Geeks while rocking the over stimulated and crying baby.  I forgot how much I loved that show, I laughed out loud so many times-  here's a little clip:

Mama Time

Right now I am sitting at my kitchen table eating dinner at the very chic and fashionable hour of 9PM.  I taught lessons today until 8, came home, kissed the big girls goodnight, nursed the baby, sent my husband outside to have a beer with the neighbor, and made my dinner.  
There were 3 roasted chicken breasts on the counter and some sticky mini raviolis in the strainer on the stove.  I looked in the fridge for some sauce, but it had mold on the lid, so it was a no go.  
Logically, I sauteed the ravs in olive oil until they were crisp, added a diced tomato and some basil and oregano, a touch of salt and pepper, and melted mozerella on top.  
I sliced off a portion of the chicken and VIOLA!  Supper!
I keep forgetting to take pictures of my food!

My long day started at 5AM with the middle girl shouting about her bad dweam.  (her pillow was chomping at her)  Her loud voice wakened the baby who was hungry.  So I comforted and nursed, they both went back to sleep for an hour.  I got up.
7:10 Breakfast (this is late!)
AM spelling session & homework
2 girls to drop off at school, with a different schedule than usual
nurse and put down ze beebo for a nap
start on 6 loads of laundry
clean basement, scrub bathrooms, fold laundry
wake baby, pick up preschooler
make lunch for kids, clean kitchen, mop floor
teach piano & voice lesson at home, with no baby nap
finish folding and putting away laundry
let Bell and Cocopugs play in rooms while I eat my lunch
pick up CB from school
nurse baby, put her down for a nap
review school papers, mail, check email 
go to teach at 4.  


Days like today go fast, but it's hard to relax in the evening.  
I think it's time to open the wine.   

Birthday Cake

Today is my mama's birthday.  She is not 60.  Yet.  :-)  I love my mama, I still wish I could curl up on her lap and have her brush my hair, read me a story, and snuggle me close but that would be awkward because I'm bigger than her.  But she still gives me tight hugs and can pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling mostly even before I've acknowledged it myself, and I love her.
On some level, I am still her needy child, but on a better level, she is my friend.
So...
My sisters, SILs and nephews, aunt and grandma all got together today to celebrate.  We had Biaggi's for lunch, and lemon pound cake.  Those of you who know me, know that this is my cake.  I make it for my birthday, I make it for the school carnival cakewalk, I make it for friends.  I made it for weeks and weeks when I was pregnant.   I can make it with no recipe at this point.
I wish you smell the butter and sugar creaming in the mixer, the fresh lemon juice dripping on my arm,  the power of the mixer mixing the flour into the butter.  And how fluffy the batter gets when the eggs mix in.  Mmmmm....cake.
And when it's done baking, it's quickly turned out onto a cooling rack and IF it's a great day, and there is very little humidity, AND the sun and moon are aligned just right, then the cake will not stick to the pan.
(usually it comes out fine, I'm just perturbed that today it stuck)
Then you boil a little sugar with some fresh lemon juice and the grated peel and pour it all over the cake.
It is heaven on a fork.

Sorry, we ate it before I could take a picture.

So what's new?

The dishes can wait, and I have at least one more day of wear in these jeans, right?  I buy TONS of underpants for weeks when laundry just seems too much.  The old college trick.  Wise, eh!?!?

Here is the door that closed and few windows that have opened lately:

Broadview Mansion is doing just fine without me.  I am still teaching there as a private teacher, just not in my Director of Music role.  The music studios are thriving, the programing there is beginning to streamline into a proclamation of the Word, and good things are happening.  Unfortunately the board has decided to close the Sacred Music Lending Library, effective 2011.  That part hurts, but they would have kept it open as long as I was running it, and I didn't feel called to do that job anymore.  But the experiences with so many denominations have been preparing me for a new area of vocation.

Smolen Music Studio website is up and running.  The site is somewhat generic, but it serves its purpose without a lot of babysitting or money.  And I have space for about 5 more students.   Tell your family & friends!!

Childrens Discovery Museum ArtsInk!  Music in Math exhibit opens on THIS Friday with a Donor's opening, and then Saturday to the public.  Smolen Music Studio students will demonstrating the new exhibits.  I consulted on the project-  a 2 year commitment- but so much fun and worth it.  The kids are going to LOVE it!

Time to Rise  :  A conference for church musicians of every denomination.  I am so excited about this one-  the work is hard and easy all at the same time.  This project is taking on a life of it's own and I'm excited about some spins-offs that may come from it.  

All Saints Lutheran Church is my new church home, it's a very tiny little congregation.  And the pastor and his wife are pretty nice people.  I've known them for about 35 years.  Despite the fact that they are my parents, I am learning so much from them as individuals-  how to have a more grown up faith, how to be responsible to a calling, how to abandon my will to God and rely on His righteousness.  My parents are a blessing to me.


Here's what's in my head lately:
Vivaldi: Laudaute Pueri Dominum, Psalm 119  I just found the actual score for this and hopefully will sing it next year.

Gershwin: Rhapsody in Blue  I heard it twice on different NPR stations in the last 3 weeks, and it is a favorite from when I was a kid.  I took it as a sign to get into iTunes and buy it.  For the kiddos, of course!  :-)


And the perpetual fight:
I have been trying to keep things together at home, The Schedule is a little nuts.  The house is a little nuts.  I can just tell from writing all this down that keeping all these things in the air will take a toll somewhere, and I know my husband could use a little care.
I also know my tendency to get overwhelmed and just fall right into an overworked depression because it is impossible to do all that needs to be done and do it well without some grace.  These are struggles for me that have been recurring throughout my adult life, and each time I go through it, it seems a little different, a little easier, a little more familiar and less daunting.  I hope I know when to slow down and give a little more to those who need and a little less to the world out there.  The trick is to get to it before I go into shut-down mode.   The newness of this old fight is my determination to sew my seeds of discontentment and weariness with God instead of with the world.  The world is just going to affirm my difficulties, distract me with it's internet and TV lures, and subdue me with it's delicious chocolate.  Ok so I won't deny myself the chocolate part.  That's going a little too far.  

And Finally...
I want to blog more.  This is so therapeutic.  

Ahhh New

It's only been about 5 months since I wrote here on my blog.  A long five months of recitals, summer, school starting.  In this short amount of time the following has happened:

Ze Beebo is a toddler

First grade sounds scary...

The middle Cocopugs Child emerges

I left my job to gain more time at home, to explore new directions, and to obey.  There are new projects coming to fruition, new joys to report, and some of the same old same old I've dealt with for a long time.  But nothing is new, and everything is new.  That's the intimacy and intricacy of God.

Welcome back!