Last month I had the worst mothering week I have had in a long time. The bad was amplified and punctuated by some mild depression due to the perpetual motion of mothering. I felt trapped, unmotivated, selfish and unloved. I actually threatened my birthday girl with party cancellations, and had to work out some spouse issues. I had a 5 year old beautician with a 2 year old client. Her work was NOT Shear Genius. I had a house to get ready for company, not to mention a happy face to put on. I failed at it all miserably. But here’s where it gets ugly:
I truly hate the idea that I am not perfect and cannot do all the things I want to do for my kids, my friends, my husband, and myself.
And GOD?!?! I want His perfection; I crave His energy. I desperately want the patient attitude and the kind disposition. I lust for the ability to control & create everything. I forget that there is only one person in the history of the world that possessed those perfect qualities, and I am destined to fail if I attempt it. And so I end up behaving sinfully, too. That ends in the perfect Drama: Death and separation.
So where was He? He was seeing through the ugliness in me. God was being the perfect parent with enough grace, kindness, and strength to get me through to the beauty of today. That ends in the perfect Comedy: A divine marriage of Universe and man, Christ and his bride.
For now, the spotlight has moved away from me for a while, and shifted to those things that are truly bigger than my woes. Introspection is good, but not at the expense of my eternal soul. Accepting limitations, expecting to improve through work and being blessed by the whole of what is around me is the glorious part of being human.
So where is the sanity? Creatively inspired, lovingly implemented. God is good, and big enough to put up with me, my ego, my joy and my pain. And big enough for the 100 billion other mothers who are going through the exact same emotions and turmoil.
Ahhh, back to being one grain of sand on the beach, instead of Mt. Everest.
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