Monday, March 8, 2010

It's Simple

I really feel most of us tend to make more out of things than are really there, and almost always it results in some sort of drama.  Good drama, bad drama.
I am in a good stage of life, 2 beautiful dancing girls in my living room as I write with ballet shoes and blue leotards, and one darling baby gurgling on the floor in a sweet yellow sleeper.  I have no reason for drama, no time to worry, and why should I?  I am in a protected stage of life.
This is asking for life drama, isn't it?  I know that I am not protected from life, bad things will still happen, maybe even tragic and life would turn in the blink of an eye into something other than what it is now.  That's not drama, that's reality.
I am in a protected stage of life right now because it is easy to taste and see that the Lord is good.  We are not rich financially, we are not always happy in our work situations, we are not always pleased with the behavior of our children, however we are doing good work. We are well loved, and we love well.  We are wealthy beyond belief, blessed by grace.  I think God sometimes allows these seasons of contentment along with a turning.  True human love changes things, attitudes, people.  Imagine what perfect love does.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

It's complicated

Like most people, I am fairly complicated.
I have a family and home that demand time and effort, energy and love.
I have a brain that demands attention as thoughts flit and float on a regular basis, too impertinent to ignore.
I have a talent that begs to be nurtured and skills desperately desiring to be used and honed.
The slightest suggestion of spring sets my brain into organization mode.  I have closets to clean and baby, toddler and kindergartner clothing to sort, mend, and store.  Cabinets in need of sanity, rugs to hang outside.  Linens who need to be cleaned and aired, then stored for next winter.  Lighter linens to be aired and used.  Curtains to be washed, ironed and put back up over freshly washed windows.  Toy explosion that needs to be contained.
Last night at bible study, we were talking about the Martha and Mary story- you know the one where Jesus visits their house and Mary sits at his feet listening, and Martha is frantically cleaning and getting ready. The question was who does Jesus love?  And the answer is he loves both.  Hmmm..   I always thought it was Mary who was present in the moment and not caring about the state of her house.  Martha always seemed so busy and impersonal.  And yet I find myself being Martha most of the time.  Busy and impersonal to the people around me most of the time.  One of the suggestions in the study was to be prepared enough in advance to create hospitality daily not only to guests but to my family.
This idea is taking shape in my mind as I get started on spring cleaning.  What all can I do in advance?  How do I maintain order in a house with small children?  How can I be more present in the day to day moments with them and not be so busy and impersonal?
Staying up late and getting up early are not the answers right now, an almost 5 month old is teething and still nursing at night.  Mama needs her sleep.
My mother has suggested for years that I take 15 minutes to pick up right before bedtime, and another quick pickup after the morning rush.  I always scoffed saying I was too tired, until I found myself the last few nights starting the dishwasher and wiping down the bathroom before bed so it would be nice in the morning.  I have asked my husband to make sure the kitchen table is cleared off before bed because I cannot stand a table mess first thing in the morning.  We are working with the kids to pick up before bed.
As I write about all this preparation, I wonder then how I can clean my attitudes and behaviors towards God.    I reconnect with God each spring during Lent and experience the closest times with Him during Easter.  No wonder I find the spring to be my most creative time during the year, too.
To be creative, to actually create and to have the presence of mind to take the time to do it are all a matter of preparation.  I want to be able to plan for a creative moment but all who have stared at a blank screen when they finally have time to write and NOTHING is there understand that creativity doesn't always happen that way.  
I had a break in lessons yesterday and took the extra time to sing for the first time in a few months.  It felt so good and I cringed and wanted to cry when I was done; the ability to do what I had done isn't there. The muscles tired quickly and the tone wasn't what I wanted.  I was still exhilarated by singing, but not satisfied in how it sounded.  I don't know what to sing anymore.  There is no opera career to look for, no recital circuit, no church singing anytime soon.  My next engagement is July's faculty recital and I am not sure I will have to sing that.
I am supposed to sing.  I need to sing.
All facets of my life are craving order and discipline.  I want to be hospitable to my family and friends, I want to create free from worry and guilt, I want to enjoy and cherish the gifts I have been given.  Just getting this down in writing will help when I approach and ask to lay this down.  Let's see what happens.

Monday, March 1, 2010

It's peace

2010~  This winter has passed, it's transition time.  Spring is simply happening with the birds heralding the passing of cold.  Our family is settling into a new reality and it is nice.    Blogs are sort of the old thing with facebook and twitter being the new, but this is still my journal.  No Readers?  No Problem!  
I don't know why I titled this It's Peace, (or why I title before I write), because so much conflict has been a part of my life.  It's not heavy conflict, but worthy conflict.  I am trying to not approach it like an adversary, rather as an old friend who needs delicate hands.  My brain is currently on an overload of new possibilities and old internal fights.  I don't often feel nudged to do things, I usually try and uber control situations until the right things just happen.  However now I am being nudged and it's not going to be easy to obey.   The good news is that it is nothing pressing, nothing that has to be done TODAY.  The hard part is going to be trying to explain myself without using the cliches of 'God told me to do it'.  How do you be real about talking with God?  Honestly?  Seriously?  And that he has a directive for me?  And it doesn't include much of what I have been doing professionally or spiritually?  
And that's another thing entirely.  Wrestling has been keeping me up at night.   
I need to maintain the perspective of Who.  It's not often that He says go, and the opportunity to so clearly say yes is a blessing.  I want to do what He says, I don't think I have the ability.  And that's where blogging comes in.  This new direction is going to require writing-  and not the crappy self centered writing I normally do.  Therefore, just like the good musician I am, I feel I need to be disciplined in this craft, and practice often.