Creative Sanity

The list

2011-12-14T14:53:00.000-06:00

I don't have one.

Oh, I have the kid's lists, I have the 'Ridiculous Things I Want' list, but for once in my grown up life, I don't have a 'to do' list.

I've been busy, overwhelmed with life. There are a million things I need to be doing, and a list would indeed be helpful. But I don't have one, and I don't want one. I have my permission to go without a list.

I want to have coffee with a friend Friday morning, so I scheduled it. Noelle might come along.
I want to enjoy baking cookies with the girls and friends on Saturday morning, and my pantry is stocked. So I scheduled it.
I am going to worship with Christmas music on Saturday night and Sunday at church. Hey! I'm the one playing it! No plans, no set list. I'm just going to go and do.

Next week, I'm watching movies during the day and wrapping presents during nap-time. I will be done by Tuesday.

There is still a bit of shopping to do, but I really don't know what else I need. I'll know after I'm done wrapping on Tuesday.

You know what I am going to do? I am going to enjoy my girls, read stories, watch Elf & A Christmas Carol, we will sing together silly songs, decorate cookies and eat way too many. We will hide gifts from one another. We will play with the nativities and read the story over and over. This is the time of life to cherish, not the list.

See? My no list Christmas is going to be SA-WEET!

November Evening

2011-11-14T18:09:00.001-06:00

Today was busy. Today was internally busy, today was externally busy.
I took time out to spend with my husband.
Funny how a boy from Chicago can grab my soul with his love of my heritage in the country. We walked through the thick mud of a freshly turned field. In the twilight, he carried Cocopugs and I carried little Belle. CB lost her shoes. (pink ballet flats belong in a muddy field) We walked one behind the other, searching and scanning in precious daylight. Once on the other side, the girls and I headed down to the river while he continued to look. He is so aware of what he does in the woods and fields, so aware of the animal that he lost. His obligation is to finish what he started, respect the process. This man that I love yelled across the grasses to the river for me. I grabbed small bodies, cool hands and followed his voice to find him pulling a beautiful large deer from the brush.
Yesterday morning he came home from his hunt with tales of six bucks pursuing one doe. He observed quietly from a not perfect angle, and as he was pulling his first shot, another deer entered the area and the instant was lost. He wasn't able to see clearly the deer he was after, but quickly pulled another shot and nicked the animal. He searched for his arrows to account for what happened and could only find one barely bloody arrow. He watched the buck lick its neck and then bound away into the brush. He thought he'd missed and the arrow had gone into the river behind.
Today, his good buddy was hunting the same area and came across a 9 point buck with a clean arrow wound to his neck, and a nick on the thigh. Pat asked us to come with him to find it, and so our adventure went. He thanked his daughters and wife for caring enough to tromp through the field and search with him.
All a part of the treasure and journey with him.
I hope I feed his soul as clearly as he feeds mine.

Thankful

2011-11-05T08:48:00.000-05:00

This morning smells like hope.
Ok it really smells like toddlers, fruit loops and coffee here at the kitchen table.
It's a rare day and I want to enjoy it fully. Pat is working today and I have a clean calendar with a couple of things to do, a paper to write and three girls to hang out with. We are working together today to prepare for the season ahead, we will rest together and laugh together. I am hoping we will not fight together.

This week has been difficult. **DISCLAIMER**(massive understatement- this week resulted in a panic attack of epic proportions including meltdown, temper tantrums and crying. That wasn't the kids) I have observed people who struggle with the same issues over and over, and I know it is true for me. I feel my issues are magnified when I'm under stress. And this week has pushed my stress to new heights. Expectations for the children and home are not being met; my husband is picking up a lot of slack and essentially working both at home and at work. I was in intense physical pain for a couple of days, and my understanding of coursework is not as clear as I'd like. In my distant past I relied on unhealthy methods to cope with stress, so learning a few new techniques is now a necessity. I found the help I needed (honestly, a kind Drs off- the- books care, little talk therapy, an afternoon of walking around in the sunshine barefoot did amazing things for my psyche) and I am reflective on the whole process. Again.

So the girls and I are working on our thanksgiving journal at the table and I am thankful this morning for the struggle. I am thankful that my life is not boring, not predictable, not perfect. I am thankful for complicated relationships worthy of hard work. Hope is present even when my patience wears thin. Disciplining myself to look toward the fruits of a good relationship pushes me to work through difficult times. I am thankful that I have maintained good relationships that could have been written off. I have seriously high maintenance friends, I am thankful for the work our relationships are because it deepens the bond we have together. What is life without relationship?

I am also thankful that my struggles are pretty consistent. Even when there is a curveball thrown in, I can still mostly pare them down to the common denominator and try not to lose my head over them. And when I do lose my head, at least I know where to look for it. Now let's get going on this beautiful day.

October Morning

2011-10-28T07:02:00.001-05:00

At 2 AM Patrick and I both woke up for no real reason.
He heard me toss and turn then whispered 'hey are you up?'
'yup, but i don't wanna be'
'me either. your feet are finally warm'

And back to sleep.

At 5 AM my harp alarm went off and I was in the middle of a dream. AGGGHHHH!!!
At 6 AM I finally got out of bed, grabbed the laptop and am still in bed. I am supposed to be researching my project but I can't get motivated.
It's 7 AM and I must start my busy day.

This week has been too much.
Too much thinking, too much activity, too much drama.
This week has had too little.
Too little prayer, too little reflection, too little comfort.

This weekend offers no relief. We are heading up north and then back for teaching & church Sunday.
My project is due Sunday at 11:59PM.

I am craving a room of my own, guilt free study, clarity on issues of discernment, and a physically rested and calm body.

This is a marathon not a sprint.
So I'm going to lay it all down and claim the inspiration of the Holy Spirit: Hebrews 12: ^1-3Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

-The Message

My Current Obsession

2011-10-05T21:22:00.000-05:00

And I'm procrastinating. But not really, because my paper isn't due until Sunday, and it's a reflection paper which means I have to think about what I've learned. I do believe I must ruminate on the subject a little while before I commit any words to paper.

I want to read Tolstoy- Anna Karenina is calling me, and mostly because of the first line:

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Reading is so amazing because an engaging author can put you in any position with any character at different times in your life. After the loss of my first love, I felt like Anna, so hopeless in love. Now I identify with Kitty, content in domesticity but still (hopefully) complex. Sometimes I feel like Levin wanting to take care of everyone I meet. And I need to read it again because I remember it being such a big read when I was younger- I have a little more life under my belt and think I'd get more out of it this time around. What mysteries would it hold for me now? I think I've learned more about life reading about it than actually living it. And especially in this case, that's a good thing.

Overwhelmed

2011-09-22T07:07:00.000-05:00

This is just my first class in graduate school, and I find myself overwhelmed.
What does overwhelmed look like?

A cold. A sore throat and a chest cough. Tired and tired.

Strange obsessive behaviors with Facebook. Why am I checking it all the time? Because I am on the computer writing all the time. I might have to disable my account. I look at FB as the computer version of the break room- sometimes you go in there and someone has brought in donuts! Hurray! And sometimes you go in there to hide from doing any actual work. Unfortunately I have been using it to hide.
An inability to keep up with my daily life. I had a meeting last night and completely forgot to reschedule my studio time. I was emailing parents at the last minute trying to reschedule for the weekend. Only one kid fell through the cracks, but I strive to maintain consistency for lessons. I have never forgotten to reschedule a night off in 12 years of teaching.
An inability to keep up with home life. I find myself on the computer so much that I am neglecting the kids, not cooking, laundry is piling up, and I am not respecting my self imposed boundaries of working only while the kids are asleep. This is project week, so I should cut myself a little slack.

This is a journey, not a sprint. This is a journey, not a sprint. This is a journey, not a sprint.

On the upside, I really love the work. I love writing, I love revising, and I love thinking.

Ok. It's just this week. I can get through it.

September Daybook

2011-09-15T07:07:00.000-05:00

The first cold morning of the season is here!
I am.... snuggled up in my best chair with my favorite blanket wrapped around me. It was dark when I got up, but now the sun is playing with the trees, stretching long shadows across my street. It's going to be a gorgeous day.
I am.....trying to glean research papers for source work on my group project for school. Scholarly writing is a little dry, but even at that, I still find the subject fascinating. While I'm working, I can listen to Bach keyboard works, I can listen to Trio Sonatas, I cannot listen to songs. My brain bends too close to singing than thinking. I find myself breathing in phrases and then humming, and then completely distracted and done.
I am.....listening to german art songs, hence the blog post vs the researching. Now there are small people up getting zucchini bread (kunni bread as Bity calls it) and ready for breakfast.
I can't wait to walk the kids to school, have a hot cup of tea and enjoy today.

Kindergarten Blues

2011-08-30T12:51:00.000-05:00

I have mixed feelings about kindergarten.
Ms Cocopugs is a sensitive child, a sweet child with a grand imagination. She plays independently and creates worlds of her own. She pretends to read really big books along with her big sister, and she does recite from memory lots of little books to N.

CB had an annual Dr visit today and her return to school coincided with lunch. Being the health wise mother that I am, I picked up McD's Happy Meals with fries & chocolate milk and had lunch with my best little girls.

Lunch in elementary school is loud.

Really really loud.

The principle is loud and extremely direct.

Usually Ms Pugs is right in with the loud, happy and chatting, trying to open food, eat and socialize.

Today she just wanted to talk to her mama and it was too loud.

She cried. I wanted to cry. She begged me to take her home. I so much wanted to. She settled for the playground and N and I walked away.

Am I doing the right thing? Is this the environment for a sensitive child? Can't I have her at home with me for one more year?

Art Institute

2011-08-03T20:39:00.002-05:00

3:00 AM: Online looking at maps of how exactly to park at the Art Institute of Chicago, and then floor plans of the exhibits. I had recommendations to check out American Art & Impressionists, and also I needed to see the sculptures and textiles. Back to bed for another couple hours of rest.

6:00 AM: Up and dressed to water outside and take in the recycling. Home again to pack everything up, then get the small people up, fed, showered and dressed. Remembered to grab Monet plate books, a watercolor book and the Seurat picture book. A cup of tea for the road, some extra guests and we're off!

8:30 AM: On the road. Coldplay, Zeppelin, Fiona, Feist, Wheezer & Blues Brothers. I have to put on the soundtrack right about I-55 & the exit to 294- it gets us to the loop right about the time Sweet Home Chicago starts. There's something to that music and the Sears Tower.

11:00 AM: Park, Park Park, Stand in Line, Stand in Line, Stand in Line. Patient children are sketching pictures of the IBM Building, the people around us, and Cocopugs is drawing a scene with Carrot people. Yes, Carrot people.

11-12:30: Walk into the Lower level south wing: American Art until 1900. Breathe deeply at the lovely sculpture room preceding the exhibit. Ahhh.... The older children sketch pictures of sculptures and portraits, the college girl takes photos with her fancy pants camera, I walk in front of people, and I am really looking looking looking at the pictures. A guard gently stops me "please don't let your child touch the lines." Ok. Cocopugs asks where the playroom is. Temper tantrum due to no playroom and realization that her day will consist of looking at pictures, furniture and cloth.

12:30: LUNCH. a lovely afternoon of delicious and small bites. We all left still hungry. Made the grumpy Cocopugs smile when I gave her the camera and told her to start snapping photos of the bold and hungry duck hanging out around us. Belly Baby sat at the table like a big girl drinking water out of a big girl glass and smiling like the Cheshire Cat. CB drew a textured picture of an alligator- I knew all those episodes of Swamp People would pay off somehow. Our sweet guests charmed us with their smiles and wonderful conversation. Bonds were made, fun was had by all.

Cocopugs Tree Photo

1:00-2: Impressionists. It was like I walked into a room of old friends who were just there waiting for me to say hi! and WOW your color is GREAT! I've been looking at prints of these paintings my whole life and to see their real colors, the brushstrokes of the masters, the personality of each artist shining beautifully was overwhelming. I decided then and there that while I love love love having the kids and guests with me, I am going to treat myself sometime soon to a solo trip to Chi-town and the Art Institute so I can really sit and look. And breathe.

Now the best story of the day: Miss Cocopugs was feeling better after lunch, but still a little bothered by the whole thing. We looked at all the Impressionists, and she sat beside Belly Baby in the stroller and looked at books. We brought along a nice little book called Sunday with Seurat. It's a book we've had forever- sort of eaten around the edges, obviously well loved. We stepped into the room with 'Sunday on La Grande Jatte' and she jumped out of her seat yelling "it's here! ITS HERE! Mom! Do you see how big the picture is? Look at the ladies! Look at the dogs!" and on and on. Baby Belle noticed the monkey and dog right away, and we saw the little girl with her mama and the umbrella. That picture made the whole day for Coco. Art Matters.

Our Friends Mason F & Griffin H

2:00 PM: Leave the museum after Baby Belle meltdown in the museum store. Headed over for a quick walk in Millenium Park, but only made it a few steps before we all decided we were too hot to explore, and we all wanted ice cream. So back into the car for an excruciating drive on 55.

2:30 PM: If you would have passed us on the road, you would have seen a middle-aged mama hoppin to FloRida, Britney, Justin and Plain White T's. And after Ice Cream, you would have seen a car of quiet sleepy kids, and heard a lovely Chopin Mazurka.

It was a lovely day with wonderful people. Can't wait to do it again soon!

August Daybook

2011-08-01T18:23:00.000-05:00

Is it really August?
The heat and the anxiety tell me YES! School is coming.

Today:
I am wearing a green housedress I put on after my swim. Today I tread water for 20 minutes while watching the big girls have lessons, and then I spent the next 20 minutes treading water & catching as they gleefully jumped off the diving board. I always forget about this dress, and the minute I put it on I remember why I LOVE IT! It is cute and so comfortable- effortless dressing. And barefoot. Always barefoot.

I am reading Science Secrets, it is a fun read- mostly a study in semantics and since I grew up with the grammar police and those who know how much words matter I am enjoying it immensely.

I am listening to Talent is Overraated on Audible (my new favorite thing). I went on a cleaning frenzy last Friday night, listening to the book and cleaning until about midnight. I think I may have found how to keep our house clean.
I have also been listening to Dvorak Stabat Mater and Beethoven's Ghost Trio Sonata. Just a little preview of fall music repertoire.

In our garden, the broccoli is done, the basil was a tasty treat for the Japanese Beetles, and our tomatoes are perfect with a little salt/ pepper/ fresh chives. In fact, we are having some for dinner. Speaking of dinner, there is a chicken pot pie cooking for the extremely picky Cocopugs who asked for some 'HOT FOOD, MAMA! I"M TIRED OF COLD FOOD!'. Ok. Point taken.

Around the house changes are coming to the flow and rhythm of the furniture. I have a big change in mind, and my friends are coming to help. I can't wait- Will post pics soon...

And the timer for dinner is going off and I have to get back to real life.

Freedom & Truth

2011-06-22T07:45:00.001-05:00

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
Lamentations 22-23, The Message

I have to update my Sunday night post.

Last week, I knew I wasn't feeling quite right physically, and part of that included feeling grumpy and blah. Monday I went to the doc and got the medicine I needed and am feeling tons better.

In the same way, after writing that post, I needed a little spiritual medicine. My mom reminded me to not listen to the big lies whispered quietly. And then I read this, from Oswald Chambers:

"The continual grubbing on the inside to see whether we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, morbid type of Christianity, not the robust, simple life of the child of God....Launch out in reckless belief that the Redemption is complete and then bother no more about yourself, but begin to do as Christ said- pray for the friend who comes to you at midnight, pray for the saints, pray for all men. Pray for the realization that you are only perfect in Christ Jesus."

I think this is freedom in two ways: the first being freedom from our sin, second being free from our selves. This is sweet and comforting.

Now the difficult part is recognizing what is legitimate self evaluation and how to continually believe God for the Truth. I e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y get there, but I want to get there faster next time without the 2 weeks of festering doubt. Just like I knew I needed to get to the doc last week but put it off. I don't want to do the same thing spiritually.

I have stripey Pj's snuggling next to me and hungry big girls hanging around so my day is starting... Enjoy yours!

Sunday Day (night) book

2011-06-19T21:47:00.000-05:00

The men in my life are truly good men. One is here in my own house, zonked out right here beside me in his clothes. He's not snoring, but the remote is hanging in his hand haphazardly. He may be drooling, I'm not getting up to check.
I was not the ideal happy wifey today. I was grumpy, argumentative, and short tempered. I know. Hard to believe.
But I felt justified.
I wasn't.
He maintained sanity around me today, he showed me grace. It was humbling.
So here I sit, ready to confess my day. Not to you, dear reader. You're getting the glossy night-book version. SO....
I am sitting: On my couch laptop in lap TV blaring stupid show but remote is stuck two cushions down, and I won't interrupt the pre-bedtime nap.
I am wearing: Jeans because I caught a snippet of video of me wearing a skirt recently and it wasn't nearly as cool as I thought it was. I think jeans might be my best bet until I lose this stupid 15 lbs. Yes, I am obsessive, and yes, it could be a problem. But I'm swimming and walking and eating ok, so health is good. And that should be enough.
I heard today: snippets of a sermon because Bity Boo couldn't stay quiet during church AT ALL. But what I heard was good. Even better when it's shown to you in unexpected ways. Also, Bity sings with serious gusto- I can hear her all the way up at the piano. It makes my heart happy.
I am reading: The Hobbit with Carrie. Bilbo Baggins is such a delightful character, but Gollum's voice was fun to do... she thought I was creepy!! Mission accomplished.
I am feeling: completely inadequate in so many areas. Most of the time, I just feel inadequate in 1 or 2 spots. But right now, today, it all just feels difficult. I hate self pity parties and FAIL. But the introvert inside is thriving and the self speak isn't all that positive. Just when I think she's under control something triggers the ugliness. GO AWAY INTROVERT NUTBALL!
What I need: 3 day retreat where no one is talking to me and I can read and write and chill and come to terms with the fact that I can't be perfect at everything, and I am not even going to be good at most things. There are a few things I do really really well and those should be enough. I make a pretty good cheesecake. Consolation.
I am going to stop: The pity party. You (the reader) are sort of witnessing the end of the party- just the fact that I'm writing this instead of thinking it is good. If I let it all fester in my mind, it just gets worse. And so. This week will be better.

5 Minute Friday

2011-05-20T06:38:00.002-05:00

I'm going to force myself to write this morning just a little bit and Gypsy Mama has given me the 5 Minute Friday prompt. Head on over there for a beautiful blog and a chance to win a prize.

Ready, Steady, GO!

When Seasons Change

I am ready.

Breaking my life into 2 semesters and a summer based on the school/ teaching schedule has me very happy about this time of year. I am ready to have a more flexible time with the kids, the house and the husband. I gleefully spend a couple of weeks praying, devising options, anticipating our summer break. How much traveling? How much running around? How much downtime? How many books can we read? Can we get all our stuff done in the mornings so we can delight in the long afternoons and lazy play outside evenings? Or should be have leisurely mornings of chalk sidewalks and coffee? When do we visit friends? When do we swim? Library? Camps?

yup. Ready.

Complaints (aka Whining)

2011-05-15T15:32:00.000-05:00

Not feeling all that creative today, or sane for that matter. This weather is not helping. Right now I am cuddled up under a cozy blanket watching the trees dance in the rough wind and the rain slant to the shiny street.
There are so many wonderful qualities to the day. So many things that I normally love: a melancholy mood, sweat pants, and Vivaldi. What is wrong with me?
I want to be in the garden today. I want to have the warm sun on my face, I want the cool earth in my hands and the soft grass at my toes. I want to be reveling in the beauty of spring. I want to play badminton with Pat, catch with Carrie, and chase Noelle and Leah around looking at bugs and tree bark and flowers. I want to cook out, make tomato salad, drink lemonade.
I don't want to get out coats. I don't want to be wet and cold. I don't want to catch up on work.
Pat just walked in with seeds for watermelon, much to the delight of Ms Cocopugs. She is dancing and giggling about watermelons as big as her head. Ok. I can do this today.
Hope Abides.

All work?

2011-02-20T21:17:00.000-06:00

Today is SUNDAY! And it's almost time for me to go to bed- tomorrow will come early, and with it, work.
But first, my day of resting and contemplation and renewal began with a quiet cup of tea and conversation with the husband. The kids played and we read the paper online, cleaned the kitchen and chatted- then he fell asleep on the couch.
I made headway on Comfort Food by Kate something or other while sitting on the couch in my pajamas. The kids played. The baby napped. The husband continued to nap.
Babykins woke up, and played with the big girls until tomato soup and BLT's were ready, bacon was the alarm that finally woke sleeping beauty, and he joined us for lunch.
He headed out for the perfunctory weekend trip to Menards with the littlest ones in tow. The big girl was mine. She had a date with a large pile of laundry. She sorted, she carried down baskets, she loaded, unloaded, did detergent, set the timer, cleaned the filter, folded and put away. Mostly. I had a practice date with the piano and the liturgy. I did help with the laundry a little, and we do have one more load to get done tomorrow. Then she helped me get dinner in the crockpot so we'd have dinner when we got home from church.
Then showers and cleanup, off to All Saint's Lutheran for a wonderful service and Sunday School, and home again to ride bikes outside, eat roast beef, and finish my book. I even slid in the final of Worst Cooks in America. Ahhhhhh.....Love Sundays.
But tomorrow I have to catch up around here. The big girls laundry is done, but I need to finish up the little girls, mine, and the linens. I have a loose schedule that I follow- flexibility is key- but I have been neglecting my self imposed work load and it shows in how well things run. I must get back on track.
In the meantime, I have another 45 minutes until I fall asleep.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program...

2011-02-07T09:44:00.000-06:00

This morning is the first morning in a LONG time that no one is talking to me, no one needs anything, I can actually hear the hum of the refrigerator. I have so much catching up to do today but I wanted to start with a procratinating moment on the blog.
So many topics are swirling around in my head, I hope to tackle some of them soon. As it is, here's my Monday daybook:
I am.... sitting at my kitchen table with the sun warming my cheeks, looking outside at the once pristine snow that has been lovingly trampled on by little feet.

I am wearing.... my warm and cozy Under Armor sweats with gym shoes. Sometimes wearing gym shoes means I will actually go to the gym. Not sure about today.
I am contemplating..... homeschooling, Metcalf, Mulberry school, my philosophy of education and how it is fitting (or not) with the local public school.
I am reading..... The Well Educated Mind by Susan Wise Bauer , and just finished An Irish Country Girl by Patrick Taylor.
I have to get started..... Beth Moore's bible study Believing God- I am leading a group of college girls in this online study but I have to get moving and do the reading. Woefully behind
I am missing... My friends. Things have been so crazy around here that I haven't had time to catch up with my friends. I could see myself sinking into family oblivion and ignoring all those outside people who make my life so much richer. It's the introvert in my trying to rule the day. Must Fight Introvert.
I finished... MY TAXES! Which then started a big conversation with the husband about my small business and how much we pay in taxes. He would like to see me teaching at the college level and I would too, but I also know I am not qualified without a Master's Degree. So he tells me to go back to school. Yes, in my spare time. If he thinks I am busy now...
And now I am really procrastinating. I must get up and do some work around the house.

Crazy Mama Daybook

2010-12-05T09:55:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling a little off this early morning. CB has a broken fever, hurrah, Baby Belle is teething or not happy about weaning, or really really hungry and so I have been up all night. Not only that, but I didn't eat much dinner last night and my stomach is hungry. I am tired of nursing, tired of nursing and tired. And hungry. And tired. So tired. And a little snappy at the small people.
I'm eating one piece of rye bread toast, one cup of herbal tea and half a cold piece of pizza. I feel much better.
I'm wearing my favorite black lounge pants, a long black sweater, gray tank and gray slippers. I have to go teach at noon. I may just stay in my cozy clothes.
I'm pondering lots of random things. My friend Katie from high school has a beautiful blog with lots of great photos and wonderful writing. She and I used to sing Indigo Girl covers for fun, we worked in the same place at different times, and she has dealt with way more loss in her life. I don't really know her anymore, but I feel connected to her through her writing. It's good to know the young woman I knew is still there- thriving, honest, and open about her life.
I'm also pondering home schooling. I have a child who would thrive in an alternative school setting. The hard part will be convincing her daddy that it's ok to stay home and learn. I say we should try for 1 year and see how it goes. Well? Continue. Not well? Parkside El is around the corner. But what is truly best for Cocopugs?
I am going to try for a little nap. Maybe I'll do a daybook again when I'm not so scattered.

Intention

2010-11-04T14:53:00.004-05:00

I hear a lot from the new age movement about Holding an Intention for someone, which basically means to think thoughts about them and those things will come to them. I don’t subscribe to that thinking, I tend to pray. But the word Intention peaks my interest.

My intention is to create opportunities in our home, opportunities to create, to learn, to have relationship, to love. Here’s where I’m at now.

Disciplined

I follow through: When I tell someone I am going to do something, I do it. This is actually a driving force of my nature. It is sometimes the bane of my existence, too. Because I recognize that I am true to my word, I weigh what I say, and be intentional about the things I promise. This goes with being a disciplined person. Now, my mom did ask me to walk her dog a few weeks ago and I TOTALLY FORGOT. The poor doggie sat at home all day with not a person to hang out with. My intention was good; follow through bad. Jasmine forgave me. I scratched her behind the ears for a few minutes. We’re good.

Pumpkins!

I have a daily routine: I am trying to follow some semblance of a daily routine which makes me somewhat predictable and therefore stable to the kids. I am intentionally taking time daily to be sure that we have a relatively clean home, good food, and time to share together resting, reading, learning, crafting, cooking. (that’s a whole post unto itself) Of those, my husband actually does the crafting part. He and the girls made paper puppets last week and they were awesome! They acted out a little halloween play and had a great time. He carved pumpkins with them, gardens with them, and draws and paints with them.

I foster independence: My oldest daughter is 7, and ready for a lot less mommy control. She is responsible to get herself dressed and ready for school everyday. She showers herself, does her own hair (if she chooses to), picks out her own clothes, and gets her own breakfast. She sorts laundry, picks up the living room, practices piano and does her homework with minimal help. I am intentional about the time I spend correcting her. I abide by the Dr’s first ethics rule: Do No Harm. Sometimes I ask her why, or let her know what the weather is like so she can make informed choices, but mostly she gets to deal with her own consequences.

Separation Anxiety

The other two girls are in various stages of separation anxiety and still want some mommy control. I’m glad to give it.

I love unconditionally: There are a few signs around my house- you know some of that cheesy wall art- one says “Always and Forever, No Matter What” one says “Hope” and one says “Peace” those are the things I desire for my family, and love overlooks a lot of bad. As we’ve gotten older the bad has gotten significantly less bad, and the good has gotten significantly better. This family is not all about me and what I can or cannot do. It's about creating bonds and relationships that will last and be healthy.
I intend to set the tone for my family.

Back to Vocation

2010-10-18T07:15:00.000-05:00

Good Morning my favorite 4 people who read my blog!
This weekend I was honored to speak at the Time to Rise conference. It was a good experience and one I would do again. I learned a few things during this whole process:

God is faithful. Even though I was woefully underprepared with my actual speech, I think the point of 'Your vocation as a musician is important' got across despite me and my own self issues.
Christ's body is a very unique and diverse place, and I loved being exposed to the raw emotion of dancing people, grandmas on their knees worshiping, people falling prostrate to the cross, and other hallmarks of Evangelical/ Pentecostal worship. On one hand, I was a little overwhelmed and freaked out by it, but on the other hand, it was beautiful expressions of love for God. I was moved by it. Remind me next time to wear waterproof mascara because I can't sing 'Mighty to Save' without it.
While I was talking about vocation, (literally during the first session) I realized that I am so fortunate to have 2 vocations that are deeply and totally God driven. I was talking about liturgical worship and in my head realized that living the liturgy on a daily basis actually encompasses both the mothering vocation and the musician vocation. I am going to really focus on how to do this on a daily basis using Luther's Small Catechism. Elizabeth Foss does this beautifully (in the Catholic way) on her blog, In the Heart of my Home.
I made a playlist on my i-Pod for the listening portion of my talk. I never got to play any of it due to some logistical shuffling at the last minute. But I am listening to that playlist right now and IT IS GOOD. It start with Bach and includes a wide swath of music briefly exposing the heritage of the church.
I learned a beautiful thing from Laura Story during her songwriting session. She is the worship leader at a church for her 'real' job. She writes specifically for the church she works at. She feels called to interpret for the specific body of Christ she works for. I love that idea because it reiterates the hand of God putting her vocation to work in a direct and meaningful way for Him through her. I love a good paradigm shift.

I really enjoyed the sessions, I enjoyed teaching, and I enjoyed meeting new people and reconnecting with my friend Sarah. I loved singing and being a part of a great worshiping crowd. I can't wait to start working again in my home and getting back to vocation #1.

Alone and awake, I look at the stars...

2010-09-30T02:25:00.001-05:00

It's another of those times: 1:30AM and I'm awake!! Bear with the disjointed thoughts.
Today, Marybeth Whalen's blog mentioned Psalm 16:7, "I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me."
And here I am wrestling instead of receiving instruction. So many people I know are suffering in sickness and death, prayers seemingly unanswered or open-ended. Family and church situations are hurtful, unsaid anger and frustrations are too much to go into here, and I am tired of hashing and rehashing them. I just want to rest.

Calm down, Janie, there are a few promises to behold.

My favorite:
Exodus 6:6 (NASV)
Say, therefore, to the sons of Israel, I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, and I will deliver you from their bondage I will also redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great judgments.
This verse makes me want to cry, and I love this version- that outstretched arm is none other than Jesus, right? And all those judgements went to Him. But we still get the grace, we still get the salvation, we still get the love of God, the blessing of God, the presence of God. I get all of that from this verse.

Here's another one:
Lamentations 3:21-26 (NIV)
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
I hear a biblical "Relax" in this verse. Especially in the situations I am facing currently. Don't you ever feel completely consumed in your life? Legit or dramatic. Your problems? God didn't consume the bush while He inhabited it talking to Moses, He is not going to consume me, but be compassionate to me. And then the second part is not so easy. Patience is a virtue because it is NOT NATURAL. At least in me. But my hope is in Him. Not in me, not in the leaders of my church, not in my husband, family or humanity in general. Not in medicine, not in the media. In Him. In Him. In Him. The pressure is off. I can't do anything to control what is coming, or what will happen. And really? What do I fear? Death? Loneliness? No. In Him is hope, life.

Here's the last one:
Romans 8:6, 38-39
...the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace...
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And I think now I can sleep.
Amen

Wednesday Hussle

2010-09-22T21:29:00.001-05:00

Today started well enough: alarm, baby up, sisters up, all in mommy's bed to snuggle and doze, a nice way to start a gloomy day. It could be the highlight of any day, but it really WAS the highlight of today. Well, maybe the beef stroganoff, but we'll get there.
All I wanted was to follow my nice little schedule today. Just stay on task, just have things follow one after another. Remember my post from last weds? Tick Tick Tick, jobs done. Not today.
While I was dozing with darling children, Pat came in and told me some mumbo-jumbled words about water in the closet downstairs and maybe we should clean out the closet pretty soon. And also to soak the meat in milk for beef stroganoff for supper. Then he kissed us all and went on his way.
We had breakfast on time. I took the beef out of the fridge to soak, but never made it to the milk. It sat on the counter. We took CB to school on time, then stopped in Walmart, something I am loathe to do. I did get 5 deep dish pie pans for $3.95 a piece. My first catering purchase. While in Walmart, Cocopugs mentioned that her throat hurt, but wasn't nutty so I let it go. I struggled out to the car with pie plates in flimsy plastic bags on one hand, Mz Bell slipping out of my other arm and Coco wandering away. I became one of THOSE moms at Walmart: GIT BACK HERE, YOU!. I am ashamed of me.

On to preschool where I was pulling into the parking lot and a little boy darted right in front of me, and I mean to say *heart-stopping-lightning-fast-but-all-in-slow-motion* in front of me. And I saw the look of sheer terror on his face when he realized what he had done, and his mama was crying and I was in shock. But he didn't get hit by a car today, and I doubt he will run away like that again. And my heart just now stopped racing.
I headed home to find my new iPhone was waiting at the door! YAY! But I didn't have time to play, and besides, I had to charge it before I could use it. Mz Bell went down for her nap.
I went to the kitchen and realized that the beef had been sitting on the counter for an hour, so I thought I had better cook it and throw it in the crock pot. So I tossed it with a little flour, salt and pepper and browned it, and then caramelized some onions and browned mushrooms with garlic. All into the crock pot.
I turned it on to low and went down to the basement.
I opened up the door and the smell of moldy laundry hit me hard.
I sucked it up, emptied the closet, swept and cleaned up the mess and put the dehumidifier to work.
I took the opportunity to go through some old Christmas stuff, holiday stuff, and general stuff. I threw away a lot of junk.
Baby Belle woke up, had some milk and we went to pick up Coco, get some lunch and go home.
When we walked in the kitchen, I noticed that I had never plugged in the crock pot. I called my reliable source for all things kitchen edible, Mom. She said go for it. So I turned it on high and cooked the hell out of the meat, onions and mushrooms.
We ate lunch, and my friend Mindy called with bad news. Her sister has been struggling with an aggressive form of T-cell Lymphoma and did not get the report she was expecting. Cancer sucks, and we talked for a while as the girls played. All of a sudden, Coco slapped her hands over her ears and screamed. I called the doc and we were on our way.
Both ears infected, NO FEVER. 1 trip to meijer and home for naps.
By this time, I am wondering when it's time for a glass of wine.
Graciously, our neighbor picked CB up for school and playtime.
Phone calls, emails, texts to cancel the rest of my day.
Phone call to State Farm for refi: 3.99 30 year fixed. INSANE!
Homework, computer & iPhone.
Boiled some egg noodles, stir in the sour cream. Fantastic dinner. Seriously, and no one has gotten sick yet.
Homework, piano practice, pick up.
My day is ending with Smolen Dance Party, including Beach Boys, Traveling Wilburys, and Bob Dylan.

Wake Up, Mama!

Good Night!

Random Things

2010-09-18T20:36:00.032-05:00

Mz Bell checking out Tube Chimes

Cocopugs and her puppet

I am tired.

Last night, we opened the new ArtsInk! Exhibit at the Children's Discovery Museum.

Coco on the Wii

Tanner K

Random Little Guy

Colleen T & her Mama

It was a wonderful event, lots of people trying out the floor piano, the conducting game, and hopscotch rhythm. There were kids dressing up and putting on shows in the backstage area, and puppet shows. Some of the older folks were having a hard time with the Wii Remote on You're The Conductor, but not one kid had an issue. It made me laugh- the kids knew right away how to find the 'eye' of the Wii, but the adults kept trying to make it more complicated. I had 5 students there, demonstrating the exhibit, playing the piano and all wearing Smolen Music Studio t-shirts, thus fulfilling my genius plan for child labor marketing. The entire Smolen family was there, too, playing, chatting and generally having fun. It was a really nice evening. Then we came home and circumstances were such that I did not get to have a nice glass of wine and relax with my dear one. So....

I stayed up and watched Freaks & Geeks while rocking the over stimulated and crying baby. I forgot how much I loved that show, I laughed out loud so many times- here's a little clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kMkBcoxTxo&p=DF79FA81C2A99B06&playnext=1&index=31

Today I actually put on a t-shirt, jeans and athletic looking shoes (I wouldn't really run in them!) and went back to the CDM for the public opening. I wore that outfit in public. For 6 hours. Really!!
I had a few students there, too. It was a great showing of people, wonderful events and a lot of fun. I actually had several students and their families just come in and visit.

I even started my Christmas shopping at the museum store. I LOVE Melissa & Doug toys and they have a great selection.

And then I came home, relaxed a little, changed clothes. (Really!) We went to Fresh Market and got Sushi, a sausage, and a bottle of Riesling. We ate dinner down in the family room and watched 2 episodes of Little Einsteins and the kids went to bed. Even Ms Serious. And here I am reflecting on my day, and how happy I am the exhibit is finished. It was a delight to work on, and I hope a delight for the kids who will play. Ahhhh.... Done!

Cheers!

Mama Time

2010-09-15T21:02:00.002-05:00

Right now I am sitting at my kitchen table eating dinner at the very chic and fashionable hour of 9PM. I taught lessons today until 8, came home, kissed the big girls goodnight, nursed the baby, sent my husband outside to have a beer with the neighbor, and made my dinner.
There were 3 roasted chicken breasts on the counter and some sticky mini raviolis in the strainer on the stove. I looked in the fridge for some sauce, but it had mold on the lid, so it was a no go.
Logically, I sauteed the ravs in olive oil until they were crisp, added a diced tomato and some basil and oregano, a touch of salt and pepper, and melted mozerella on top.
I sliced off a portion of the chicken and VIOLA! Supper!
I keep forgetting to take pictures of my food!

My long day started at 5AM with the middle girl shouting about her bad dweam. (her pillow was chomping at her) Her loud voice wakened the baby who was hungry. So I comforted and nursed, they both went back to sleep for an hour. I got up.
7:10 Breakfast (this is late!)
AM spelling session & homework
2 girls to drop off at school, with a different schedule than usual
nurse and put down ze beebo for a nap
start on 6 loads of laundry
clean basement, scrub bathrooms, fold laundry
wake baby, pick up preschooler
make lunch for kids, clean kitchen, mop floor
teach piano & voice lesson at home, with no baby nap
finish folding and putting away laundry
let Bell and Cocopugs play in rooms while I eat my lunch
pick up CB from school
nurse baby, put her down for a nap
review school papers, mail, check email
go to teach at 4.

Days like today go fast, but it's hard to relax in the evening.
I think it's time to open the wine.

Birthday Cake

2010-09-14T16:16:00.000-05:00

Today is my mama's birthday. She is not 60. Yet. :-) I love my mama, I still wish I could curl up on her lap and have her brush my hair, read me a story, and snuggle me close but that would be awkward because I'm bigger than her. But she still gives me tight hugs and can pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling mostly even before I've acknowledged it myself, and I love her.
On some level, I am still her needy child, but on a better level, she is my friend.
So...
My sisters, SILs and nephews, aunt and grandma all got together today to celebrate. We had Biaggi's for lunch, and lemon pound cake. Those of you who know me, know that this is my cake. I make it for my birthday, I make it for the school carnival cakewalk, I make it for friends. I made it for weeks and weeks when I was pregnant. I can make it with no recipe at this point.
I wish you smell the butter and sugar creaming in the mixer, the fresh lemon juice dripping on my arm, the power of the mixer mixing the flour into the butter. And how fluffy the batter gets when the eggs mix in. Mmmmm....cake.
And when it's done baking, it's quickly turned out onto a cooling rack and IF it's a great day, and there is very little humidity, AND the sun and moon are aligned just right, then the cake will not stick to the pan.
(usually it comes out fine, I'm just perturbed that today it stuck)
Then you boil a little sugar with some fresh lemon juice and the grated peel and pour it all over the cake.
It is heaven on a fork.

Sorry, we ate it before I could take a picture.

So what's new?

2010-09-13T14:34:00.000-05:00

The dishes can wait, and I have at least one more day of wear in these jeans, right? I buy TONS of underpants for weeks when laundry just seems too much. The old college trick. Wise, eh!?!?

Here is the door that closed and few windows that have opened lately:

Broadview Mansion is doing just fine without me. I am still teaching there as a private teacher, just not in my Director of Music role. The music studios are thriving, the programing there is beginning to streamline into a proclamation of the Word, and good things are happening. Unfortunately the board has decided to close the Sacred Music Lending Library, effective 2011. That part hurts, but they would have kept it open as long as I was running it, and I didn't feel called to do that job anymore. But the experiences with so many denominations have been preparing me for a new area of vocation.

Smolen Music Studio website is up and running. The site is somewhat generic, but it serves its purpose without a lot of babysitting or money. And I have space for about 5 more students. Tell your family & friends!!

Childrens Discovery Museum ArtsInk! Music in Math exhibit opens on THIS Friday with a Donor's opening, and then Saturday to the public. Smolen Music Studio students will demonstrating the new exhibits. I consulted on the project- a 2 year commitment- but so much fun and worth it. The kids are going to LOVE it!

Time to Rise : A conference for church musicians of every denomination. I am so excited about this one- the work is hard and easy all at the same time. This project is taking on a life of it's own and I'm excited about some spins-offs that may come from it.

All Saints Lutheran Church is my new church home, it's a very tiny little congregation. And the pastor and his wife are pretty nice people. I've known them for about 35 years. Despite the fact that they are my parents, I am learning so much from them as individuals- how to have a more grown up faith, how to be responsible to a calling, how to abandon my will to God and rely on His righteousness. My parents are a blessing to me.

Here's what's in my head lately:
Vivaldi: Laudaute Pueri Dominum, Psalm 119 I just found the actual score for this and hopefully will sing it next year.

Gershwin: Rhapsody in Blue I heard it twice on different NPR stations in the last 3 weeks, and it is a favorite from when I was a kid. I took it as a sign to get into iTunes and buy it. For the kiddos, of course! :-)

And the perpetual fight:
I have been trying to keep things together at home, The Schedule is a little nuts. The house is a little nuts. I can just tell from writing all this down that keeping all these things in the air will take a toll somewhere, and I know my husband could use a little care.
I also know my tendency to get overwhelmed and just fall right into an overworked depression because it is impossible to do all that needs to be done and do it well without some grace. These are struggles for me that have been recurring throughout my adult life, and each time I go through it, it seems a little different, a little easier, a little more familiar and less daunting. I hope I know when to slow down and give a little more to those who need and a little less to the world out there. The trick is to get to it before I go into shut-down mode. The newness of this old fight is my determination to sew my seeds of discontentment and weariness with God instead of with the world. The world is just going to affirm my difficulties, distract me with it's internet and TV lures, and subdue me with it's delicious chocolate. Ok so I won't deny myself the chocolate part. That's going a little too far.

And Finally...
I want to blog more. This is so therapeutic.

Ahhh New

2010-09-12T21:26:00.000-05:00

It's only been about 5 months since I wrote here on my blog. A long five months of recitals, summer, school starting. In this short amount of time the following has happened:

Ze Beebo is a toddler

First grade sounds scary...

The middle Cocopugs Child emerges

I left my job to gain more time at home, to explore new directions, and to obey. There are new projects coming to fruition, new joys to report, and some of the same old same old I've dealt with for a long time. But nothing is new, and everything is new. That's the intimacy and intricacy of God.

Welcome back!

Saturday La La

2010-04-17T09:50:00.000-05:00

Saturday, delicious Saturday. Mmmm....I love to snuggle into your lazy morning, watching food network in bed (no crumbs!) laziliy eating weekend cereal (Reeces puffs and egg salad... whatever, it's the weekend!) reading the paper, making the grocery list, listening to Tommy Dorsey on Pandora, surfing the net while baby sleeps and big girls dance the hula to "Tea for Two" I have 2 books on deck to read, no place to go, no place to be. Maybe I will do a little cooking tonight but ONLY if I want to. This is the day I am going to rejoice in!! AHHHhhhh... Saturday La La!

Order My Steps

2010-04-13T14:37:00.000-05:00

So I was taking my shower first thing this morning and praying that it would be a good day, a productive day, and a day not like yesterday. Yesterday was hard and the day before that even harder. Now mind you my hard days are not REALLY hard, just marginally difficult in an otherwise extraordinary life.
So I was taking my shower first thing this morning and praying and asking God to help me through the day to day of being a mom with a strange part timish schedule, children in school all day and half the day, and a baby who needs my attention to thrive. I am on the constant search for the perfect .......
Schedule.
I am a woman who aspires to be structured, to know what is next, to manage those around me with grace, dignity and love. I fail miserably at this one most crucial task of being the manager of our home and family.
So I was taking my shower first thing this morning and praying that God would please just order my steps today and help me to be efficient with my time, present with my children, and faithful to this life He has called me to.
I am hoping some magical celestial Filofax will fall from the heavens and order my life.
I think I will take a few minutes and pray and then still myself to let God have control of my day, my life.

It's Simple

2010-03-08T18:52:00.000-06:00

I really feel most of us tend to make more out of things than are really there, and almost always it results in some sort of drama. Good drama, bad drama.
I am in a good stage of life, 2 beautiful dancing girls in my living room as I write with ballet shoes and blue leotards, and one darling baby gurgling on the floor in a sweet yellow sleeper. I have no reason for drama, no time to worry, and why should I? I am in a protected stage of life.
This is asking for life drama, isn't it? I know that I am not protected from life, bad things will still happen, maybe even tragic and life would turn in the blink of an eye into something other than what it is now. That's not drama, that's reality.
I am in a protected stage of life right now because it is easy to taste and see that the Lord is good. We are not rich financially, we are not always happy in our work situations, we are not always pleased with the behavior of our children, however we are doing good work. We are well loved, and we love well. We are wealthy beyond belief, blessed by grace. I think God sometimes allows these seasons of contentment along with a turning. True human love changes things, attitudes, people. Imagine what perfect love does.

It's complicated

2010-03-04T14:27:00.000-06:00

Like most people, I am fairly complicated.
I have a family and home that demand time and effort, energy and love.
I have a brain that demands attention as thoughts flit and float on a regular basis, too impertinent to ignore.
I have a talent that begs to be nurtured and skills desperately desiring to be used and honed.
The slightest suggestion of spring sets my brain into organization mode. I have closets to clean and baby, toddler and kindergartner clothing to sort, mend, and store. Cabinets in need of sanity, rugs to hang outside. Linens who need to be cleaned and aired, then stored for next winter. Lighter linens to be aired and used. Curtains to be washed, ironed and put back up over freshly washed windows. Toy explosion that needs to be contained.
Last night at bible study, we were talking about the Martha and Mary story- you know the one where Jesus visits their house and Mary sits at his feet listening, and Martha is frantically cleaning and getting ready. The question was who does Jesus love? And the answer is he loves both. Hmmm.. I always thought it was Mary who was present in the moment and not caring about the state of her house. Martha always seemed so busy and impersonal. And yet I find myself being Martha most of the time. Busy and impersonal to the people around me most of the time. One of the suggestions in the study was to be prepared enough in advance to create hospitality daily not only to guests but to my family.
This idea is taking shape in my mind as I get started on spring cleaning. What all can I do in advance? How do I maintain order in a house with small children? How can I be more present in the day to day moments with them and not be so busy and impersonal?
Staying up late and getting up early are not the answers right now, an almost 5 month old is teething and still nursing at night. Mama needs her sleep.
My mother has suggested for years that I take 15 minutes to pick up right before bedtime, and another quick pickup after the morning rush. I always scoffed saying I was too tired, until I found myself the last few nights starting the dishwasher and wiping down the bathroom before bed so it would be nice in the morning. I have asked my husband to make sure the kitchen table is cleared off before bed because I cannot stand a table mess first thing in the morning. We are working with the kids to pick up before bed.
As I write about all this preparation, I wonder then how I can clean my attitudes and behaviors towards God. I reconnect with God each spring during Lent and experience the closest times with Him during Easter. No wonder I find the spring to be my most creative time during the year, too.
To be creative, to actually create and to have the presence of mind to take the time to do it are all a matter of preparation. I want to be able to plan for a creative moment but all who have stared at a blank screen when they finally have time to write and NOTHING is there understand that creativity doesn't always happen that way.
I had a break in lessons yesterday and took the extra time to sing for the first time in a few months. It felt so good and I cringed and wanted to cry when I was done; the ability to do what I had done isn't there. The muscles tired quickly and the tone wasn't what I wanted. I was still exhilarated by singing, but not satisfied in how it sounded. I don't know what to sing anymore. There is no opera career to look for, no recital circuit, no church singing anytime soon. My next engagement is July's faculty recital and I am not sure I will have to sing that.
I am supposed to sing. I need to sing.
All facets of my life are craving order and discipline. I want to be hospitable to my family and friends, I want to create free from worry and guilt, I want to enjoy and cherish the gifts I have been given. Just getting this down in writing will help when I approach and ask to lay this down. Let's see what happens.

It's peace

2010-03-01T14:45:00.003-06:00

2010~ This winter has passed, it's transition time. Spring is simply happening with the birds heralding the passing of cold. Our family is settling into a new reality and it is nice. Blogs are sort of the old thing with facebook and twitter being the new, but this is still my journal. No Readers? No Problem!
I don't know why I titled this It's Peace, (or why I title before I write), because so much conflict has been a part of my life. It's not heavy conflict, but worthy conflict. I am trying to not approach it like an adversary, rather as an old friend who needs delicate hands. My brain is currently on an overload of new possibilities and old internal fights. I don't often feel nudged to do things, I usually try and uber control situations until the right things just happen. However now I am being nudged and it's not going to be easy to obey. The good news is that it is nothing pressing, nothing that has to be done TODAY. The hard part is going to be trying to explain myself without using the cliches of 'God told me to do it'. How do you be real about talking with God? Honestly? Seriously? And that he has a directive for me? And it doesn't include much of what I have been doing professionally or spiritually?
And that's another thing entirely. Wrestling has been keeping me up at night.
I need to maintain the perspective of Who. It's not often that He says go, and the opportunity to so clearly say yes is a blessing. I want to do what He says, I don't think I have the ability. And that's where blogging comes in. This new direction is going to require writing- and not the crappy self centered writing I normally do. Therefore, just like the good musician I am, I feel I need to be disciplined in this craft, and practice often.

What I've been up to

2009-11-21T17:28:00.003-06:00

Our family has welcomed a new little person to join the fray. The territory includes no sleep, wild child toting, plenty of noise and overwhelming joy. I hope to start writing again soon on all the goings on around here, back to family life and friends. A little music here and there. My brain is starting to turn back to it's creativity (as a defense mechanism, I am sure) and we'll see about the sanity. Time will tell...

A Brilliant Mind

2009-07-14T14:08:00.002-05:00

"OUCH!"

are you ok?

"Mommy! My elbow feels spicy!"

whaat?

(toddling in holding said elbow)

"I SAID my elbow feels spicy!"

Ohhh.. you hit your funny bone.

"NOT FUNNY! SPICY!"

Ok, Cocopugs. It'll be fine in a minute.

Go Play!

Sneak Peak!

2009-07-11T04:01:00.006-05:00

I am singing at a recital on Monday, July 13 at 7PM at the Mennonite Church in Normal. The recital is a fund raiser for the Van Leer Scholarship Program at Immanuel Bible Foundation, and is also being used as a research project for some doctoral students at U of I. One of the projects for research was to write a vignette about how taking music lessons has changed your life. The following is going to be read at the recital while the stage is being changed before my piece:

How taking music lessons has changed my life...

Taking music lessons was a rite of passage in our busy home. My parents created an environment where music was not only a source of fun, it was a respected aspect of our education. I am the 3rd child in a family of 8 children and early on each of us had a required 2 year stint with the local piano teacher. Some of us did pretty well and continued far past that time, some of us did not; but the message was clear: Music is important.

My parents sacrificed so that we could take lessons. My parents both loved music and changed my life by making it a priority in our home.

It was destined to be, as they first met in high school chorus when Dad pulled Mom's ponytail. Thus began a soundtrack of highschool sweethearts: He the marching band drummer, she the drum majorette with her high stepping white go go boots. Later, he the rebel drummer in a rock and roll band, she the oratorio singing chorister. And not too far after that, they were married and created a home of their own. As a child, I was equally exposed to a steady diet of eclectic extremes. Mom jamming to the Beach Boys in the station wagon, turning it up ridiculously loud, Dad discovering the New Testament and being touched by Handel's Messiah, introduced by Mom. We danced to Three Dog Night in our socks, trying to not jump too hard thus causing the record to skip, and we sang in close harmonies on the way to church. Dad drummed in a dance band to pay for all of our piano lessons initially, and then continued as we all started various instruments at school. Mom had music playing at home on a regular basis, and in seasons: Brandenburg Concertos in the fall, Vivaldi Four Seasons in the spring, James Taylor, Mary Chapin Carpenter and Beach Boys in the summer. And at Christmas, we listened to Messiah, all the way through. Saturday nights were for the Muppet Show and Austin City Limits, Sunday morning was for Sounds Of Faith on the radio.

Dad was encouraging by being present at our recitals and by talking philosophically about music as it related to faith and life. Mom was encouraging because she listened and helped shape practice time, she organized our schedules with the piano teacher, and went to bat for me when I wanted more musical information from my lessons. She had a plethora of books about history and the arts, and she gifted us with new music at birthdays and holidays. Both of my parents told us how much pleasure they got out of hearing us play piano, or drums, or flute, or trumpet, or trombone, or oboe, or saxophone, or singing, or guitar.

I am blessed to be the 3rd daughter in this family where so much more than pop culture and outside life was celebrated in our home. Our relationships with each other were the priority, and of course things were not perfect. But we had a true gift in the attitudes led by my mother and father in their love of music.

What? I have a blog?

2009-07-01T11:05:00.004-05:00

Hello, Internet world. Yes, I have a blog, I write in in occasionally, very occasionally as of late. I have had lots of ideas for good stories lately, some ideal things to ponder about, funny life situations, but alas, I have pregnancy stupids and this post is already riddled with red underlinings denoting my bad spelling.

I can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing, let alone writing about what I am thinking. SO here's a quick update, rundown, new photos, etc etc etc: Latest and Greatest:

CB has new glasses. They haven't yet left her face since getting them yesterday which confirms in my mind how needed they are. I had an idea she was a little far sighted, but when we went to the Optometrist, I was surprised at how much she needed them. When she put them on, the first thing she said was how big things looked, and how she could read little things. While I was driving home she said "Mom! My hands have wrinkles!" Let's hope this will help when Kindergarten starts in the fall.
CB is also riding her bike with NO training wheels. She is thrilled with her new sense of freedom because she can ride so fast like the wind. So she says... Cocopugs hasn't gotten to use her bike with training wheels yet because her little legs are too short to reach the pedals for a full turn. She is sad about this, but still chases her sister while she rides. It's been a pretty fun summer so far.
Cocopugs is potty trained! She is a sneakster, though and has figured out that the simplest "I have to go potty" throws her mommy and daddy into a hustle bustle of getting her to said location. Now, she REALLY has to go when we tell her to finish her milk at supper, or when she is sitting in time out. She smiles when she knows she's in trouble... Which alternatively drives me crazy and makes me laugh.
Our new baby is a girl! She will arrive this fall, due on Oct 30. I have already been telling her that Hotel Mommy closes on Oct 15, and if she wants to stay a couple of days after it's ok. BUT absolutely no later that Oct 25. It's never too early to establish who the boss is. (this will be a fun post to read on November 5 when I am writhing in labor pains because she naturally will be my most stubborn child)
Pat is working a whole week this week, which has been rare this year, due to the weather. The economy isn't helping my business too much, lots of kids off for the summer, and we'll see who returns this fall. But anyway, Pat is booked for work for the rest of summer and into the fall which is good news if the weather cooperates. It has been a good exercise to see that we CAN exist on a bird wire budget for a while. I am ready for it to be over, though.
Someone is knocking on my door- gotta run!!

The Kick

2009-04-09T15:59:00.003-05:00

I have a clean kitchen. I have toys that are mostly organized. I have finished house on the horizon. Still, there are floors to vacuum, bathrooms to scrub, bedrooms to finish. A husband home next week to hunt turkey, and father in law to accompany, an appraisal Tuesday, and a big holiday weekend.

But most important today, I have a clean kitchen.

My kitchen was remodeled spring 2008, and it is really lovely. My husband, some cold beer, and a merry band of family members pitched in and got most of the work done in about 3 weeks. Yup, it was a long 3 weeks, but short in the grand scheme of things.

Most of the time, my floor is crunchy, the counters covered in stuff, and the stainless appliances greasy and fingerprinted.

Today, the floor is clean and scrubbed, the cabinets shiny, the counters disinfected, and the smudges un smudged. Have I mentioned I am totally addicted to the Shark? And the handheld steamer I got with purchase? But alas, my infomercial issue is for another day. So I am sitting here ignoring my children running in the other room and enjoying the clean kitchen with a snack.

Dang! Crumbs on the floor!!

Ah well, Love's Labors Lost...

She's Up

2009-04-06T01:15:00.002-05:00

It's early. Like 1:15 AM Early, and I am up eating rice krispies at the kitchen table. There was only one bowl left in the box, and I am sad because I could have easily eaten 2, maybe 3 bowls. It's strange to be so hungry.

I woke up an hour ago to a crying girl with a bad dream, and then a song took hold in my head, then I had to go to the bathroom, and well, you know about the hunger. Can't sleep.

There is a gentleman at our church who is my friend. He is 92 and at the end stages of his life. We have been friends for 4 years, he called me on the phone one sunday afternoon after I had sang a Bach Cantata at church that morning. He just called to tell me he really enjoyed the music, and we started talking about the german language, which then turned into a chat about his service in WWII. He was a highly decorated soldier, and after that conversation I always remembered to acknowledge him on memorial day and veterans day. We had many wonderful conversations over the last few years, and my life has been enriched by this unlikely relationship.

When he was 89, we were talking before church one day and he said "Jane, I'm 89 and when the time comes would you please sing Softly and Tenderly at my funeral?" I told him he had lots of good years left, and he just looked at me and said "but I'm ready whenever the time comes." So that summer I sang the song during church, and we talked about it after- I told him I had wanted him to actually get to hear it before the big day, and he laughed and said thanks-

I think his big day is coming very soon- he had a fall at the beginning of the year and lost his short term memory. He didn't remember me or our talks. And this week he had yet another fall and is failing quickly. I am awake tonight singing Softly and Tenderly in my head, and tearing up. Its still hard to let someone go, even when the time has come and he's ready.

Why should we tarry when Jesus is calling? Calling 'O Sinner, Come Home'?

New Post!

2009-03-31T16:28:00.003-05:00

The New Post icon is like instant writers block as of late. I am not off the couch from my

afternoon nap, and here it is time to start dinner. So get over the writers block, or make dinner. Obviously the choice is clear!!

So this quote has been rattling in my head for a while:

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

-Sir Winston Churchill

I love it on so many levels. I like the encouragement of having no loss of enthusiasm, and I like how it twists some of my perceptions of failure into an opportunity to reflect and improve.

Now I have to cook dinner.

It's been a while

2009-03-18T12:57:00.002-05:00

Catch up is not really fun. I've been lousy the last couple of weeks and things are just piling up one after the other. I am totally frustrated with the state of my home, the state of my children, and the state of my body.

Let's tackle them:

#1 My house: Someone should really take pity on me and send a maid my way. I need someone who is willing to turn a blind eye to tomato soup on the underside of the table, crusts under the chairs, and CLUTTER CLUTTER EVERYWHERE. Really, I do have standards that include scrubbed and clean bathrooms and a clean kitchen. I did all that yesterday. But what's waiting for me is 5 baskets of laundry that need to be folded and put away, toys that need sorted and moved downstairs, and a paper monster that threatens even the strongest of constitutions. I can't even walk through my living room without tripping on a damn cootie leg. It's sad. However, the weather has been so nice that I've been able to escape and avoid the inside of my house for at least a couple of days. Pretty soon, the piper must be paid. Which leads me to #2

The Children: THEY ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. I have spent way too much time with them this last month. Either that, or they are just on my nerves a little more lately. Or I just have no patience. How about all 3? Yesterday CB was so clingy and curious that by 8:15 at bedtime with no daddy around to help I lost my mind, gave her a thunk on the head and sent her to bed. I am an admitted head thunker, not my best parenting choice, but it does get her attention and she went to bed with no further incident. I still felt bad. I am substituting at her school this week. It's fun. She is still clingy. And the 2 year old is acting... well, 2. It's been a long week. What is today, anyway?

My Body: Why does it attack me while I'm trying to bring a new life into this happy springy world? All I want is a nice night of sleep without nausea and leg cramps. I want a day not tinged with fatigue and irritation. I crave silence. I wish my nose wasn't so sensitive. I can't eat more protein. Really, I've been eating a hard boiled egg at bedtime, cottage cheese for snacks, and regular meat for meals. I don't even want very many cookies. This is very bizarre. COOKIES!! What kind of alien has taken residence in my tummy? Hmmm...maybe I should try french vanilla ice cream. MMmmm... with caramel and chocolate chips...

Things aren't so bad- this is an exciting time. I am just overwhelmed and tired. Things will be better in the next few weeks.

I will just sit back and wait for the maid...

2009-03-10T08:33:00.003-05:00

It's my birthday week!! Yeah!! I have lots of fun things to do this week.

I was sick on the couch yesterday afternoon and evening- blah start to an otherwise wonderful week. But the doc says all is well, so I will just keep resting until I'm better.
Today I have laundry and general cleanup going on. We are having new carpet installed in our living room and bedrooms, so the toy migration to the playroom has begun. Then I have to start on the clothes.
Tomorrow I am taking a group of students to the opera to see a student matinee of Pagliacci- a relatively short, depressing dramatic show, which should be really fun. I scheduled extra shopping time on Michigan Ave, too.
Thursday MOPS, Ballet and Chorale. Always a fun day, no matter what week it is.

AND THEN THE BIG DAY!!!!

Yes, I will be 33 years old.

20 years since I was 13
15 years since I was 18
And 10 years since I graduated from college

That last one kills me. I feel like I was in college yesterday.

I am having lunch with my birthday friend, Melinda. We see each other 2 times a year, on our birthdays. Hers is in September, so we catch up on all the stuff that happens in 6 months. She is one of my favorite people, and I can't wait to spend a little time with her.

Then my mommy is cooking me dinner. And she loves me. I wonder if I can leave the kids at home with Pat. Then I could have my mommy and daddy all to myself. It's been 29 years since I was 5.

Really, Mom, Angel Food with strawberries and whipped cream, please!!!

Crazy!

2009-03-03T08:42:00.002-06:00

This past week has just been crazy. I can't even write a post about it, it was just too wacko.

Pat is home from his out of state work week and it is nice to have him back. I underestimate how much he helps me around the house and how much I love his companionship and camaraderie. BTW, I never underestimate how much I love that man.

I do have a very sweet new nephew named Cameron, he is still in the hospital due to prematurity and a little jaundice. He should be coming home soon. I got to hold him yesterday for about a half an hour, and he is so tiny and perfect.

It's my birthday month!! I plan to celebrate all month long. I don't know how. I just will. I think maybe I will buy myself flowers each week... I have tulips this week from the store- I prefer them outside. WARM UP! (Just a little shout out to the universe)

As of now, I have books to read, laundry to run, newsletter to write, work to get to, baby to visit and children to take care of. More Later!

The New Normal

2009-02-24T08:28:00.002-06:00

There was a sleepover at my house last night. Monday is sort of like Friday because no one has anything to do on Tuesdays except laundry and catch up. So we set up the cot in Cocopugs' bedroom and CB gladly slept with her sister. After tucking them in I heard snippets of their conversations and Coco telling her sister she was tired, stop talking! This morning I woke up to them singing a good morning song to each other and then running in to wake me up. It was pretty sweet...

My children and I are sitting at the kitchen table, working, each one of us. CB is creating a newspaper complete with comic pages, news stories, and pictures. Cocopugs keeps drawing pictures of stuff, so she's designated to the classifieds. (I currently have a picture of a car with 6 wheels of different colors and a polka dot exterior. If Only it could be true!!)

I have a stack of work to be done, new files to add to my computer, bills to take care of, and emails to write and get sent off. I have been so focused on CB and family this last week that everything else has sort of fallen aside. Isn't it funny how things can just be let go without any real lasting consequences? I had taken care of most things before her surgery, anticipated the time off, but now I feel compelled to finish everything, get moving on life again. And I CAN"T WAIT UNTIL SPRING!!! Everytime the sun shines lately, I just get happier...

Relationships, Part II and other assorted oddities

2009-02-19T08:04:00.002-06:00

UPDATES:

1. I do suck at some relationships. With my husband, I don't mind being confrontational and apparently have been so recently to the point he told me I was mean and obnoxious. What? I'm not perfect? Don't tell the kids!!! So I'm adjusting my attitude and am going for sweet and tough. Kind of like overcooked BBQ ribs. The way to his heart is through his (illusionary) stomach.

2. CB is home and doing great from her recent stay at the hospital. She is a bit slow, a bit grumpy and tired, and getting a bit more love from her mama- I have been doting on her because she is just a little peanut! (And I love her with a renewed sense of purpose)

3. Cocopugs keeps asking when her 'osplittle' toys are coming. Why doesn't she get presents? Don't we love her? She is really so funny, cute and sweet with her little bob and curls.

4. I have been playing with my new macbook- it's neat. I like it. I am tackling the router and transfer of files this afternoon, so we'll see how much I like it then.

5. CB has a loose tooth. What's the going rate for a first tooth?

Relationships

2009-02-08T19:40:00.002-06:00

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I can still hear my grandfathers quiet voice telling me this advice when I was in high school and moaning about the latest boy crush. It seemed really simple- no subtext, no agenda, no manipulations. Just be clear.
I was masterful at predicting (and maneuvering) events to go the way I wanted them to, all with a smooth tongue of vagueness, and overall selfish conversation. After causing a lot of heartache, I decided that Grampa's advice should be heeded and used. So I changed my bad self- and have come to the startling conclusion that: Relationships are hard. Effective communication makes them easier.
Here are my observations about good relationships:

Honest Feelings. Not brutal, not confrontational. I may not react to something right away mostly because I need time to process information. But I will always find a way to be honest about how I feel when it really counts.
I genuinely care about what other people are doing, and try to keep myself out of the conversation until I am asked. Here's why: I know me. If I start in about me, I will just continue to talk about me and what I am doing until the cows come home. And that's not a relationship! That's me blathering on about me. Who wants that?!?! Now, I do have a great set of friends I call on when something is bothering me. That's what girlfriends are for!
Everyone likes to be accepted. (Like Christina is an affirming shopper...$300 vacuum? Oh Yeah!) It's not like I am a cheerleader, I just look for the positive things and go for them. If I disagree with someone, I am careful to disagree with their idea, not their personality. I love the variety of people I know and cherish because of this ability.
I like to ask questions. I really want to know why, who, when, and what. I'm a reporter with no newspaper or writing skills.

I know this is cheesy and dumb, but I really like all the people I know- I am lucky to have such neat people in my life.

Any ideas on what makes your good relationships good?

Back to me...

2009-02-04T21:02:00.004-06:00

So I tried out the new format for the new year. Wasn't making me nearly as happy. I like paper, and this looks like parchment.

I want to know how Ms Christina over there at Latte in Hand gets her fancy pants fabric page. I am not so crafty with the blog.

But I am so cold and tired in the basement I have to go upstairs and go to bed. Here are a couple of holiday photos to keep you company while I rest...

Things I am Thankful for...

2009-02-03T16:54:00.004-06:00

Ok, who cares about me, how about the things I am thankful for...

1. Hot Chocolate
2. Cheeky kisses, huggles, nosey nosers, gentle hands, and cold ears
3. 3T polka dot nightgowns
4. Lavender baby wash
5. Preschooler naps
6. Nice conversations and discussions with my parents
7. Sisters/ Mom weekends away
8. Concerts
9. Clean laundry, washed floors, vacuumed carpets
10. Giada, Jamie and Nigella on Saturday mornings
11. My sensitive, tough, intelligent and sweet siblings.
12. My friends, their complications and mine
13. Patrick Michael
14. Chopin Mazurkas, Bach Cantatas, Schubert Leider, Brahms Requiem
15. Black and White photography
16. Learning new music, even ABBA
17. Mastering old music
18. Wild dreams, crazy life. There is a big difference.
19. Creamy lobster bisque, chicken and mushroom stuffed pastry, chocolate torte
20. Positive balances, tax refunds, having way more than enough
21. Water coloring
22. Writing blog entries
23. The Holy Spirit whose presence blesses my life daily
24. The discipline of work- I love my vocation.
25. Ummm... LIFE!! It's a gift

25 things about me.

2009-01-31T11:18:00.002-06:00

I live in two distinct worlds. The outside world and the inside world. I love both of them and wouldn't trade either for anything. There are a few things present in both, one of which is God, another is music. You may get a glimpse of the inside if you hear me sing when no one is around. You are actually reading more about the inside than the out. Congrats. And Why am I doing this???
Patrick and I have been married for 11 years, he is my rock and my joy and my passion. There is no one who drives me crazier, no one I love more, and no one I would rather fight with or for.
I have a big family with lots of siblings each of whom I would easily give my life for. Like my sister said, this fact has shaped who I am, it has given me a strange support system and taught me about life. Dramatic AND True.
I have always had a relationship with God, just not one with Jesus. That has changed as I figure out what real love actually is. I loathe and love Christianity at the same time. CS Lewis has helped.
I am stupidly curious. This has subsided as I get older, and now I am intelligently stupidly curious. I want to know what people think of me, and I don’t want to really know all at the same time. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Then I hate myself for caring. Really, I am just neurotic.
I love to read philosophy books, I love history. I also like a candy store novel, too. I don’t like pop psychology or philosophy. Sorry Malcolm Gladwell.
I read really fast. One summer I read more books at the Tremont Library than Heather Green, the girl who ALWAYS read the most books. That same summer I also beat Carissa Shafer in the Tennis Ladder but only because she didn't show up and had to forfeit. I always leave that part out of the story.
I was ridiculed as a child for being different. I am ridiculed as an adult for being different. The difference is now I actually like who I am.
I have heard that one should live with no regrets. That's ridiculous. I have made huge life altering mistakes that I regret frequently. I have learned a lot of hard lessons and have also forgiven myself. I have a little bitterness in my life. I hide it. Badly.
I loved my bedroom when I was a child. It had yellow ruffle curtains and a hard tile floor. Nothing matched despite our attempts to make it into the catalogue look. I had a big closet stuffed with neat things like old clothes and toys and papers that were fun to look through.
I am very tactile. I love to feel things like paper, heavy pens, fabric, skin, hair. There is nothing better than to climb into bed, breathe and feel. Yeah Baby!
I practice a Benign Dictatorship style of parenting. I am starting to feel it might be a mistake. I think I am supposed to be teaching them to make decisions on their own. I fear they may want to become non benign dictators in their own lives. Dear God they do make me laugh.
13 Is my favorite number. I was born on a 13. I am a little narcissistic. Haven’t you noticed?
My favorite color is yellow. But not neon or super bright yellow. I like sunlight influenced yellow, butter yellow: Real butter, not fake. Then I like blue and green. I love Delft Blue. Ohh and Lapis Lazuli. And Aquamarine.
I love large bodies of water. I went to Seattle at 16 by myself to stay with some friends of my parents. I sat in Edwardsville at Puget Sound for 3 hours while their family went hiking. I was on some big rocks by the sound and I just watched the water lap up and down. I listened to the rhythm, watched the waves, looked down as far as I could, and completely zoned out. No drug induced high was ever like that. It’s happened again at Kiawah Island, and in Maui. I really need to see the ocean again. When I get really depressed I start planning my escape to the ocean. Next Stop: Newfoundland.
I hate socks. I hate dry skin. Which is why I hate socks. If and when I wear socks, I must slather a mixture of Vaseline and Lubriderm lotion on my feet before I put on the dreaded garment. And pantyhose are from the devil. Please don’t put them on me when I die. Socks or pantyhose.
And about dying. I am a little paranoid about dying young. I have all these plans in place for when it actually happens. I have not really come close to death. I don’t particularly fear it, I am just curious. See # 5. Which also explains frequent bouts of recklessness when I was younger.
I drink juice in the middle of the night. I always put it into a glass. It’s ok if the glass is plastic. Milk however must always be drunk out of a glass glass. It cannot be drunk out of a plastic cup and GOD FORBID drink it out of the plastic jug. Gag me with a spoon.
I am running out of interesting things about me. So we will leave it at 19. Should have probably left it at 4 or 5. There may be a couple more.
I had 9 cars between the ages of 16 and 21. My dad danced a jig when I got married because I was off his car insurance.
I, again like my sister, have always had better rapport with men than women. I count among my friends writers, filmmakers, artists, musicians, composers, sculptors, insurance people, photographers, lawyers, builders, mothers, fathers, and actors. Some of these people have day jobs, others don’t.
I love my parents. I am very happy they are still here. I will still need them when I am 80.
My girlfriends are each and every one a high maintenance person. I wouldn’t trade the hard work I do with them for some easy go along get along person any day. They are a wonderful group of people who are brutally honest and loyal, and not intimidated or afraid to tell me when I am an idiot. They can also take my inane rationalization and tell me if I am wrong. I value each and every one of them. They are also crazy when in the same room.
I like wine. I like beer. I don’t like being drunk. Anymore. Way too much information for any one person to handle about me

2009-01-30T19:13:00.002-06:00

I am in a creative funk- there is nothing in my head but sudafed and advil. Check back in a couple weeks. maybe something fuzzy and warm will hop in there and get moving.
maybe not. here's the rundown in my brain:
Listening to vivaldi- love it.
Listening to brazillian pop- starting to love it.
Happy blago is gone. scott did a good job not laughing. I would not have kept a straight face while he was giving his stupid speech.
Pat Quinn good. I hope.
Happy to not be sick.
Hope the sneezy kids aren't getting sick.
Love the fam
cocopugs got a bob
CB growing her bangs
Pat's home a lot
Haven't sang in 3 weeks.
My home is relatively clean and put together.
This was fun, must eat.
Later!

Alex's Take

2009-01-19T13:09:00.000-06:00

And Alex Replies:

Ok, that's better.

I wanted to address the topic of the shortcomings of socialism, viz abuse and general impracticability.

I think that it is true that any system you and I devise, be it ever so Utopian or austere, will be subject to abuse. Such is the nature of human ingenuity. In a population of 300 or 300 million souls, you're going to get some bad apples. But I think it's a bit like our justice system when it is functioning properly. Better that a few crooks go free rather than one innocent man be imprisoned (ask Jeff). Similarly, I would rather help the poor generally knowing that there will be an undeserving few gaming the system. Our economy can absorb it. All we can do is guard against corruption becoming institutionalized (maybe better skip Illinois) and teach folks to respect the system. Stigmatize misuse of the system instead of the class of people who must avail themselves of it.

Is there is something in one of your favorite texts about human fallibility? Amen to that, sister.

I think it is possible to make the "just human nature" argument to admit, pardon or deny any human enterprise. Our current economic woes may be chalked up in part to unscrupulous banking types practising a species of "human nature", Similarly, the dark satanic mills of the laissez faire capitalist19th century;"human nature". (sorry about the plague of nouns in that last sentence)

But it if it is human nature to exploit and abuse our fellow human, it is just as human nature to behave cooperatively and to help each other out. We are a social animal, not a bunch of opportunistic cheetahs on the Savannah. Look around you. Everything that you can see and touch and think about is the result of human cooperation.

The winners in our capitalist system like to tell you the lie that they won the game because of something greater than all of us. That their political ideology is somehow encoded in our genes.

But I know that when I look in my heart, it just ain't so.

Your Comrade in Our Struggle Against Capitalist Oppression and the Bourgeoisie Running Dog of False Consciousness,

Che

Socialist is a bad word?

2009-01-17T08:36:00.007-06:00

I am posting this without permission from my dear friend Alister... the following is an email exhange we have had for the last couple of days, it has been edited in spots to remove irrelavant content. Feel free to comment, throw in your ideas, etc- I am interested to hear thoughts on where I am faulty, and where democracy fits in with what Jesus teaches. I will get his permission later on, and post any reply he might have. I don't think he reads my blog...

Alex:
>> Thinking of you and your various travails. Hoping your kids are> keeping their chins up.>Still poring through Derrida. Some of his ideas about language and> culture do indeed feel musical. His ideas about words being defined by> other words (and indeed words they are not) is such a musical idea. We> all admire the restraint of the great composers. How they say so much> while saying so little.> For some reason, British and American> philosophy professors tend to be analytical positivists and totally> preoccupied with the question, "How logical is my logic?"> I have been beginning to doubt the foundational tenets of analytical> philosophy. It can project a sort of sneering certainty about the> world that, well, makes me a bit suspicious.> Cisco and Shiva got their last proper walk probably for a couple of> days. Too bitterly cold for my little African friends!> Hope all is well. Haven't been able to spare a nanosecond to look at> those scores. Hope to get a chance later this week.> A
Jane:
>> Good Morning!> We are doing alright- accepting things as they come, which is sort of all> Pat and I can do. The kids are great & we are careful to keep Leah indoors> during this cold- it seems to bother her legs and we can see the stiffness> in her hips and legs.> Derrida is someone I have only read about- I have never studied any of his> writings, etc, but will welcome the chance once you are done. I always> like a good mind bend. I did give our socialism conversation much thought and have concluded that what I thought may not be so and maybe I am missing something. But that's another day- Tell the doggies aunt janie says hallo!
More later> J
Alex:
Right on.Socialism is the most ethical option. "From each according to their abilities. To each according to their needs." What could be more fair?Derrida in his refusal to privilege analytical truth above metaphysical truth (or any kind of truth) I feel provides a way for me to come to grips with religion and 'faith'.I have always been mystified by all of that, but a militant atheism merely says "no", without answering any questions.Someone did a lot of throwing up at my house yesterday, but everyone looks fine. Also mystifying.
Jane:
Seriously why do you make me think!!?!?
I hope the doggies are both ok, puke sucks.
Socialism has it's most basic roots in Christianity, and it is an ideal form of what Jesus preached on the sermon on the mount- Matthew 5-7 if you care to look here is a link: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%205-7;&version=31;
You can look up any translation, which I also like about this site.
Anyhoo, I agree totally in the ideal. The reality, however is of course convoluted and as disheveled as democracy is in America. I truly do believe that people do what they do out of a sincerity and genuine desire to do what is right, but at some point, they start to watch out for themselves first, on whatever scale. If it is a grand scale, you get Karl Marx making statements about socialism turning into communism and the horrors of Stalin and the USSR, on a smaller scale you have the french. In France there is a totally accepted and expected form of abuse to the socialist nature of government called Tuyau, literally pipe- they bypass government rules to get more for themselves than they have earned, or what they feel they are entitled to. This is why socialism doesn't work. An aspect of human nature is one of entitlement. Our current society doesn't help that aspect, either.
Ethically, I am with you- and I don't know the solution, which is why I tend to vote based on the value of life in a society. Pro life, no death penalty- there is no party to fully reflect what I believe. Republicans use their version of God to scare people and get what they want, which is war: no sanctity of life there, and Dems are not counting personal responsibility in the distribution of goods and services to be provided by the government. By the way I support planned parenthood and it's endeavor to promote education on sex and birth control- I disagree with their stance on abortion. When human life is valued above all else, things should be kept in equal measure. Those who are unable to help themselves should be helped by the government. The government should make provisions for those who try and fail, those who need due to illness, circumstances, etc. I vote based on hope, as do you. The reality is just not so. Our system is crumbling slowly right now, I hope it can be shored up long enough to keep my kids safe and secure. Because they are entitled!! Duh!
I also feel the need to philosophically reconcile my faith- I question God all the time, but I don't doubt in His creation, or His love for me and of humanity. And I think God wants this of me-
I am also able to reconcile Darwin and evolution with the question: Why not?!?!
have a nice Friday! J

What happens when little girls play Godzilla

2009-01-10T13:40:00.001-06:00

HodgePodge

2009-01-06T15:55:00.003-06:00

I had no real topic to discuss today, no sage insights to life, just a lot of laundry calling my name. "Jane- fold us so we can be worn again, thrown about, stained, washed, dried and back here to see you in 2 weeks!"

So the blog is a diversion, you see, and therefore, not planned or thought out.

Let's see:

I have been making lots of phone calls this week to ensure no homefront financial crisis occurs. I called the insurance folks to check our rates and be sure we were getting the best deal. I spoke with our mortgage guy to get started on a refi, rates are super low, you should check it out! And we are re-evaluating our budget, always a fun conversation.
The food is an area we spend a lot of money on. I read, hear and see a lot of things about cooking to save money, using coupons, making concessions to good food to save money. I just cannot do it. If we were eating crap all the time, maybe. We have cut McD's out of our diet, (almost) and are trying to cut on the junk. But I am not giving up dinners out with friends, a good bottle of wine, or Sam Adams. We are sacrificing something wonderful, I am sure, but what is really more fun than having someone else clean up the dinner dishes while you enjoy the last lime infused swash of Corona? Yes, I've added up the dollars, and it's appalling. We are thinking seriously about the time we spend eating out and have cut back significantly. Just not out.
I am packing more snacks to take along so I don't go for the easy out, and making sure the kids have plenty of fruits and veggies to pick from at home. We have to follow a pretty strict dietary and urinary schedule with the kids to keep them healthy.
So more news:
They both have Vesicourteal Reflux, and CB is having surgery next month to correct it. I am aprehensive about it. She's had surgery before to remove her tonsils and adenoids due to sleep apnea. We've been through it. I just hate to see her in pain. This will also require a change in habits for at least a couple of weeks during recovery. She will have to stay quiet, not run around. For her this will be torture by frustration. She thrives on being active, she expresses herself through being active. I am open to suggestions on how to divert her attention for a while...
Miss Cocopugs, on the other hand, only needs to be potty trained by May. Not a daunting task, but she is a bit stubborn. I missed the quiet window of just doing it without discussion. But with Cocopugs, everything is a discussion. A long drawn out discussion. Usually while sitting on said potty for at least 20 minutes. (definitely her fathers' child) We still have hope that she will grow out of her condition and not have to have surgery. We won't know for a couple of years, but she will be monitored closely for the time being.
It's all out of my hands at this point, and not worth worrying about the consequenses. I am attempting to cope.

New Year Motivations

2009-01-01T10:14:00.002-06:00

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

God promises:
To listen whenever we care to engage Him in conversation
To work all things for good, regardless of our control attempts
To provide eternal rest through his son, Jesus

I have made promises before, I am not perfect at keeping them. As I have gotten older, I recognize what motivates me to keep my promises, and it is Love. Real love, not lust, not passion, not hey, I kind of like you, but sacrificing, I don’t want to change you Love. I am fortunate enough to have a huge variety of people in my life: Christian, Jewish, atheists, agnostics, some very religious, some anti religious. My faith is constantly tested, challenged, and heavily weighed in my own mind.
There are facets of modern Christianity that really make me angry, some I completely question, and some areas I totally fail in. I attempt to live a thoughtful, creative life consistent with the mind and life I have been graciously given. I fail even at this. I desire good, and believe good motivates most people. I am honestly surprised when ill intentions are revealed and even then I attempt to find some good in the bad choices.
I become overwhelmed with what people think of me, how they think of me, and why they think of me. Sometimes this motivates my behavior, and it is an honest yet ugly thing. But it is human.
My resolution this year is to be motivated by Love, not self.
God sets us up for this beautifully in Corinthians 13. I had lots of time to ruminate on these words when I worked for the archdiocese of Chicago and listened to the same homily week after week at wedding after wedding. Aha! It’s about God. And Perfect Love. And motivation by the standards of behaviors set up by the verses. It takes time and effort to explore relationships to the point of being able to apply the motivating behaviors of Love, and show others God’s love before your own. But first, the realization must set in that God loves you in this way, and that God does not ask you to change, His love just changes your perspective on all things. And you change. (this is not an overnight trip, BTW, God works in His own time. Sometimes, progress is slow)
I certainly don’t have perfect relationships, but I try to maintain honesty and integrity, and thoughtfulness. I want to live with Intrinsic Obligation: motivation based on what an individual thinks ought to be done. And here it is: Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Happy New Year!

Christmastime Is Here!

2008-12-23T09:49:00.003-06:00

Christmas Things are happening around here!

Cocopugs has a Christmas book called Christmastime is Here! AND I always sing the Peanuts Christmas Song until she tells me to 'just read it, mama!'

A student of mine dropped off a HUGE fruit and candy basket yesterday. We have been low on fruit because Pat has been doing the majority of the shopping and only buys for a day of eating. CB and Coco each ate a pear, and kiwi and an apple yesterday. It was so very kind and unexpected.

We just made our Christmas Beds with red and green flannel sheets for the girls, and pink moose flannel sheets for us. Cozy and Dorky all at the same time.

I made my last minute run to Target last night for the stockings and a frantic gift exchange. I must have a bag of Ghiridelli Chocolate Mint squares, and Pat must have a tin of Hazelnut Chocolate Pirouettes. The kids get an apple, and orange, and some candy canes. (and a movie to watch on the way to Gramma's)

CB is SO excited she is driving me crazy getting into things, helping me organize the fruit basket stuff, and sneaking candy at the same time. Like I don't notice she's totally wired. Ahhh..she comes by the sneakiness honestly.

The last of the wrapping will be done tonight either at home of Gramma's depending on the weather. I hope Pat gets home early and we can leave, but otherwise we will enjoy a quiet day around here.

Merry Christmas!!

Wack-o!

2008-12-20T08:32:00.004-06:00

This week, I kept starting a new post: 3 times I have sat down with a genius plan and then..nothing.
I am not a writer, so writers' block is not the answer. There is no pressure here to write concise and perfectly coherent masterpieces. This is my journal, and my easy rules of obligation are to work out my own thoughts and tell you five crazy readers how I maintain my sanity.
Here's my week:
#1: My daughter may indeed have juvenille reumetoid arthritis. This threw me for a loop Tuesday, it was a long night of wondering what all was going to change, be adjusted, and how this would affect the childhood of my daughters. Treatment right now is easy, and her pain is managed well. Funny I wrote a blog about faith on Monday, and then am forced to rely on God for comfort and peace during a moment of crisis. But I did, which means my faith isn't weak, it's evolving. I still have big questions, but that's just how I was made.
#2: I have been busy, and actually getting happier as I prepare for Christmas. All the musical engagements I have had are almost over, they have been a lot of fun and I was only seriously nervous last night during the ISO Pops Concert. The Chorale I direct sang 3 accapella pieces arranged by one of my students. It was great- BUT I was nervous until I got out there and just did it and it was fun- who knew?!?
#3: I have to wrap presents today. I get to go to the Nutcracker with CB- she jumped into bed with me at 6:30 (AGhh?!?!?) excited about going to the ballet. And then I get to vamp on the Steinway and sing for 6 hours at the non-profit mansion I work for. A fun day!!
#4: I am looking forward to going to the In-Laws on Tuesday. They are Polish and make a lot of great food, enjoy a good cocktail and visiting, and they help me get things ready for the big day. It is a huge departure for years past when we would leave on Christmas Eve at 11:30PM and get home at about 2AM Chrismas morning. I am looking forward to not being exhausted on Christmas Day, and sharing our special morning with Gramma and Grampa.
Leah is writing! Merry Christmas!
xzi2XZ]jn b
And how do I maintain my sanity right now?
(Well, I store it in the freeeeezer, and it's Polish and ends with a Nostrovia!) :-)

The Litany

2008-12-15T09:53:00.004-06:00

My mom and I had a long conversation Thursday about different issues, and she told me I am too hard on myself.
I have a lot to do, and am not really enjoying it the way I should be. Running from event to event, cleaning the house in between, crabby to my husband and children, and blogging when I should be doing something else. I have time to relax and rest, I have the margin, and still I don't even know where to start.
Anxiety and depression have been factors before, but not really acknowledged or recognized until they are well passed. Then I look back and say- Man, I was a mess! I should have, could have, etc.
However, here we are:
Is this situational? Does this occur when I am overwhelmed with responsibilities? Is it simply a state of panic?
Creative sanity is not Drugged Sanity, but yesterday I was watching a show where a mom was abusing Ritalin and I thought...hmmmm I think I know how I could get some, and then I too could get things done.
That moment lasted a little too long for my comfort.
My mama and I were discussing faith.
I have control issues.
Faith is hard.
I keep thinking: Work as though it is all up to you and Pray as if it is all up to God.
I can't do that. I just work as though it is all up to me, because ultimately it seems to be. If I don't manage everything at home, bills don't get paid, house stays a mess, kids are neglected and watch too much TV, and I am a machine just working and producing.
I pray, but I hate asking God for help because I am so blessed. I have so much love, so much joy and so much comfort. How can I ask the God of the Universe, Father of the Son to help me with MORE? Especially when my drama is self made? Especially when others really are hurting, sick, hungry and cold? I feel like an ingrate.
What are God's promises?
The desire of my heart is to truly enjoy and appreciate all the gifts given, and cheerfully and happily manage all the details that go along with these gifts.
Most of the time when I journal on paper such things just become prayer.
and so, Amen.

The Best Christmas Card Ever

2008-12-08T18:58:00.001-06:00

Inside it has hearts in red, and is signed by my preschooler.

True Love!

Mulling Christmas & Spiced Cider

2008-12-07T16:01:00.002-06:00

#1: We should really honestly call it Spiked Cider just to be accurate.
#2: Can you imagine the fun Mary and her cousin Elizabeth had when they were both prego AND Zachariah couldn't talk? (Zach honey? Can Mary stay for another month? What's that? I can't hear you?!?!) Further proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. That story cracks me up!
#3: We have a tree. I purchased it with CB. It was NOT the Norman Rockwell family gathered contemplating the perfect specimen, It was me and her. We were cold. She was enamoured with the flocked trees, I was happy that Ed tied the tree to the car. We did not go for flocking. We went with De-Flocked.
#4: I will be buying an artificial tree for next year.
#5: Pat is cleaning. WOO HOO!!
#6: Pan fried breaded pork chops with Dijon mustard sauce, mashed potatoes and brownies for supper. Maybe more cider.
#6: continued... Does anyone want to come make this for me?

Mmmm...Paradigm Shift...

2008-12-05T07:59:00.003-06:00

I had lunch this week with a bon-a-fide ARTIST. He is graciously helping out the non profit I work for with some design work and advertising. We had a nice lunch and productive meeting, with some great new projects in the works.

During the course of our talk, we discussed various aspects of our work that is frustrating.

It frustrates me that music is so fleeting. I worked very hard for 8 months on a recital: learned 18 songs, 13 that made the cut, detailed language work, memorization, rhythm and melody, coordinated rehearsals, and balanced life in the middle. It was absolutely worth it, and the work is not the problem, in fact it is the pleasure of the job. But the performance is the icing on the cake, and it was over in an hour. 1 HOUR!!

There is a beautiful DVD of the performance, and a great CD with the dress rehearsal complete with cherished comments by my coach. There are my own memories, my children and husband's recall, and about 50 folks who made the effort to listen. All those are wonderful, but abstract. Skewed by perspective and time, media is not concrete. Memories are not reliable. I want that moment back, that time of performing, the finished product, imperfections and all.

So I am relaying this to my friend, who patiently sits there, looks at me and then proceeds to tell me how hard it is for an artist with the ability to constantly change a finished product, looking at how he has evolved, constantly seeing his work as 'In Progress'. Then he says to me:

"At least it's not around all the time to haunt you"

Indeed, indeed.

Getting to know you...

2008-11-29T18:31:00.003-06:00

This time of year, there is a great emphasis on getting to know the folks around you, the folks you come in contact with daily, the grocer, the mail guy, your neighbors you talk to once or twice a year...
Today something funny happened to me.
I am not a voyeur...but...
I took my shower late this afternoon while my husband took my daughter to the grocery store. Ahh some peace and quiet. I wrapped up in my hearty old robe, grabbed some caramel popcorn and snuggled on the couch to watch Divine Design, my favorite HGTV show.
Our couch faces a large picture window, perfect for watching the western sunset, the trees change color, and actually yes, right into our neighbors front room.
I glanced outside because the dad was tossing a football around with his son, and the toddler was inside pressing his nose against their picture window. All of a sudden, the mama came in, caught her husbands eye, AND FLASHED HIM!!! Aghhh!!! My Eyes!!
It was like a car accident, I couldn't move!
Who does this?!?!
I couldn't stop laughing, and moved away to avoid any further ....ummm... glimpses...

The dad stopped playing football and headed right inside.
Mission Accomplished!

(It should be duly noted for all MOPS readers, that Yes, Becca is my neighbor, and NO she is not the exhibitionist.)

Ok, Nutball

2008-11-28T08:24:00.002-06:00

I had good reasons to delete facebook. I had comprehensive, complete ideals where I wanted privacy, time back from the computer, and authenticity in my relationships. The way I was using facebook did not jive with these values.
I joined facebook again.
I cut over half of my friends out of my list, I revamped all my info pages, leaving out detailed information, being truly authentic in who I am as revealed by the profile. The decision to be moderate in my use of facebook is one I think I can handle...

In other news, I found a quote that essentially sums up who I want to be:
The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him his own. -Benjamin Disraeli

I don't take the opportunity to help those I don't know very often, but this quote inspires me to truly attempt to impact those I meet and work with on a daily basis. And it forced me to recognize that I am blessed beyond measure with all that I have and all I can give.

Have you ever found a quote that inspired you in this way?

Facebook Frenzy

2008-11-25T20:29:00.002-06:00

I am not an addictive person. I drink in moderation, I quit smoking one day just because I needed to, and I can stop eating after 2 cookies.
I deactivated my facebook account. I was being careless with the people I was letting on and in. This is hard to admit, I was truly enjoying all the attention and details about other people I was gleaning. I was happy to let people in, talk to folks I never thought I would talk to again, and I was completely letting everything else be neglected. I friended everyone, and I was checking my email 7 or 8 times a day- which is a lot for me!
I figure this is a week for turkey, so I just quit cold turkey.
No More.
Those who are truly my friends will seek me out, they will find me, or be content to know I am well, even off of facebook.
I need to be a private person. I need to keep my thoughts contained in my head, or on this blog read by all 3 of you.

The list:

2008-11-20T21:29:00.003-06:00

Ok- here is is, Christina! I am not as boring as I thought... The things listed in blue are what I have actually done.
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a rollercoaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn't care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44 . Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDS
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an "expert"
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone to Africa
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132.Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (I claim the moose butchering from Alaska)
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

It's the last rose of summer...

2008-11-19T09:25:00.003-06:00

My husband made sure to bring it inside when I was sick. He's the guy who won't normally bring flowers, but will buy a whole rose bush... Sweet!

November Blahs, literally.

2008-11-16T11:50:00.005-06:00

No Discontentment discussion today, just illness at our home. I have children tired of being tired and sick, I have a husband desperately trying to help me catch up around the house, (God Bless that man) and I am a mama with a stuffy nose and short fuse. This too will pass, but the snuggles, the movies, the slow pace reminds me it should not take a huge bout of illness to rest and relax as a family. Hopefully, this is the last of the sickness for us for a while, but not the attitude of rest... I think it is a new holiday goal. Let's see how I do.

Disappointments

2008-11-11T16:22:00.003-06:00

Do you remember the show MAD TV? They had a little blurb called 'Lowered Expectations' (I'm singing it in my head right now)
How many of you have heard that to be happy, you must dash your expectations, lower them to avoid disappointment? It works, but then you are left with no excitement, no anticipation of something great. It is what it is. No Hope.
Here's another way. Experience disappointment. Seek it out. Feel it, get used to it, recognize it, and then find your boundaries. What remains? Contentment. You have no complaints, you have realistic expectations. Leave room for evaluation, leave room for reflection.
After that, be thankful.
To me, being content means my family and I are fed, warm, healthy, and loved. It is being free to respond to other people's behaviors with grace and respect. It forces me to see the beauty in what is really around me, the gifts of nature and love. It gives me hope for others who are searching for contentment, and allows for gracious giving.
You are now watching MAD TV. (really, I can't turn off the music in my head.)

Contentment & Thankfulness Part 1

2008-11-10T13:05:00.005-06:00

When I was nursing my second daughter, I used the 3AM feeding time to pray. I prayed for my baby, her health, her life, and gave thanks for the blessings of being a mom. My mind would usually wander (imagine that) and I would start to think of other things that were pressing on my mind. At that time, I was looking at a house in a neighborhood that is nicer than the one we live in, the house was bigger, well appointed, and we could afford it. We would just have to sell, move, re-budget, etc. I prayed over this for a while and one night, clear in my mind was one word. Contentment. Be content.
We did not sell our house or move, we did not upgrade, we stayed.
Over the past 18 months, I have reflected on contentment, and what it means to me, what boundaries and constraints I have placed on it, and what it actually means to me.
Hang on, because this week I will be exploring those angles and want your input and ideas, your ideals and truths on the matter...
And how much thankfulness has to do with it all.

Sleepyhead

2008-11-04T14:53:00.002-06:00

My child continues to get up in the night an come to my bed. I send her gently and firmly back to her bed, where she cries that she is lonely. I tend to not be able to fall asleep after such episodes, and end up getting up. This morning it was 3:30, so I came downstairs, finished my recital notes, started the MOPS newsletter, answered email and paid bills all before 5 AM.
I just woke up from a 2 hour nap.
This is not the ideal way to spend my life. I am a person who must have 8-9 hours of sleep a night. I don't know how Martha Stewart and other super productive people can get by with 4-5 hours. Today is my only full day off and I had planned on doing so many things that did not involve a 2 hour nap.
But the refreshment of waking up in my bed with the western window letting the sun stream on my face was delicious. I couldn't get up. So my 2 hour nap turned into another hour of lollygagging.
Mmmm....Lollygagging....

Sam

2008-10-31T10:43:00.003-05:00

I had a great voice lesson on Wednesday, my voice seems to finally be responding to all this practice and I feel security. This does not guarantee a great performance, but it helps mentally...
My coach and I have been really focused on technique, which is sometimes difficult because his method of singing is completely different than how I was taught. He is from St Petersburg, Russia, and went to the music academy there. We sometimes have heated discussions about technique, why we do things, and I am not entirely sure he doesn't stage some of these events to force me to defend myself... It is such a challenge and I completely love it.
I am fortunate to have such a mentor and friend.
Now to memorize 8 pages of 19th century Russian.
No brilliant words today, I have work to do!

Innie or Outie?

2008-10-28T14:31:00.004-05:00

Ok, Myers-Briggs is at it again...

I took the personality test about 6 years ago when my life was vastly different, no music save for the rock band in a bar and personal drama. No children, the spouse and I were buddies but not as close as we are now, and I had a corporate type career.
I scored as an ENFJ back then. I scored E/I NFJ yesterday, I was tied for Extrovert and Introvert. The book said to do some self examination and decide which fits you best. CRAP!!

First, I can't believe I scored that close, even though my personality hasn't really changed, I just acknowledge it more in how I chose to live, which is very freeing.
Second, I am a bit apathetic about being either an introvert or extrovert, I don't like the extremes of either one.
Finally, I do carry on an internal war in which they battle over how to handle certain situations. Right now the introvert who doesn't want to be exposed at my upcoming recital as a hack musician is fighting the extrovert who CRAVES to be noticed as a good musician.

By the way, the introvert is winning by using such tactics as avoidance: If I write a brilliant blog, I won't have to practice, and then I won't be ready. Score!
But the extrovert says: Janie, turn on your Ipod- listen while you work, enjoy the music, sing out loud - you will learn and love, then you can be comfortable with the music- Don't fight it, baby!

Someone once accurately described me as capricious. I had to look it up, but by God, he was right. One can see why I am a mess, albeit an adorable one.

Proof that God has a serious sense of humor

2008-10-27T08:26:00.002-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/10/16/disco.song.health.ap/index.html#cnnSTCText

This was in our local paper this morning and made me laugh out loud.

In other reader news, I have a recital coming up and will be blogging this week about practice, procrastination and production... later.

Thanks Christina!!

2008-10-24T13:48:00.000-05:00

The happy living room

2008-10-22T13:00:00.003-05:00

Christina is coming! Christina is coming! (as long as Coop is healthy...) I have a conundrum in my living room and as I am talented in many aspects of the arts, arranging pictures is not my bag. SO Christina is coming! to help. I am a bit excited and will post before and afters later this week. WOO HOO!

Also, can I express my happiness at the spellchecker not finding anything wrong with any normal words in my blog? I may be learning to spell here at the ripe old age of 32.

Reading

2008-10-21T13:15:00.006-05:00

I love to read. I love to read to myself, I love to read out loud, and I especially love children's books.
On my sidebar I have listed the books my children love best, and there are exclusions mainly because I am too lazy to go check authors and complete titles. But I will add those in the near future.
I read to the kids at least once a day, sometimes just one book, and sometimes a whole stack and it takes an hour or two to finish them. Yes, my children do sit on my lap and listen, especially before naptime.
I read at the expense of the house being cleaned, laundry being folded, and floors being vacuumed.
Cocopugs and I went to the library yesterday, a rare treat without big sister along. We played puzzles for a LONG time, went to the discovery room and played with more puzzles, then went searching for our latest stash to take home. I discovered Barbara McClintock's book Dahlia and her illustrated version of A Little Princess. I love her illustrations, and her stories are really nice. Mom had given the book Simon & Adele, also by McClintock, at a birthday, and we look at that book for a long time trying to find all of Simon's lost things.
We also love Judy Schachner's little anti-hero Skippyjon Jones. He is ALWAYS in trouble, but also very imaginative and funny. It is from the first book we swiped the name Cocopugs for our little one. And the name fits. She is silly and serious all in a very Skippyjon Jones way.
Sometimes I tell the kids "No Reading, now"- or "We've read that one already today, get another one!" Or "Mommy is reading quietly, GO PLAY!!" On just one of those occasions, I happened to notice things had gotten a bit quiet back in the bedrooms, so I snuck up to the door, peeked in and THERE was the big one reading to the little one from the pictures. My heart swelled with pride and joy at this cute little scene. I did not look either of them directly in the eyes, I just backed out very slowly and moved quietly back to the couch where I read in peace for at least another two minutes... AHHH Bliss.

Janie's Kitchen

2008-10-20T07:38:00.003-05:00

My big girl likes to play restaurant, and is currently telling me there is "NO CAKE, mom, only Ice Cream.

And if you don't order anything, I will take your baby turtle away. Order Something!! "

No matter that the food will be a little rubbery, and the company a little uncouth.

How can I resist hamburgers, fries and and ice cream sundae in my robe at 7:45AM on a Monday morning?!?!?

Lachen und Weinen

2008-10-17T05:53:00.001-05:00

Last month I had the worst mothering week I have had in a long time. The bad was amplified and punctuated by some mild depression due to the perpetual motion of mothering. I felt trapped, unmotivated, selfish and unloved. I actually threatened my birthday girl with party cancellations, and had to work out some spouse issues. I had a 5 year old beautician with a 2 year old client. Her work was NOT Shear Genius. I had a house to get ready for company, not to mention a happy face to put on. I failed at it all miserably. But here’s where it gets ugly:
I truly hate the idea that I am not perfect and cannot do all the things I want to do for my kids, my friends, my husband, and myself.
And GOD?!?! I want His perfection; I crave His energy. I desperately want the patient attitude and the kind disposition. I lust for the ability to control & create everything. I forget that there is only one person in the history of the world that possessed those perfect qualities, and I am destined to fail if I attempt it. And so I end up behaving sinfully, too. That ends in the perfect Drama: Death and separation.
So where was He? He was seeing through the ugliness in me. God was being the perfect parent with enough grace, kindness, and strength to get me through to the beauty of today. That ends in the perfect Comedy: A divine marriage of Universe and man, Christ and his bride.
For now, the spotlight has moved away from me for a while, and shifted to those things that are truly bigger than my woes. Introspection is good, but not at the expense of my eternal soul. Accepting limitations, expecting to improve through work and being blessed by the whole of what is around me is the glorious part of being human.
So where is the sanity? Creatively inspired, lovingly implemented. God is good, and big enough to put up with me, my ego, my joy and my pain. And big enough for the 100 billion other mothers who are going through the exact same emotions and turmoil.
Ahhh, back to being one grain of sand on the beach, instead of Mt. Everest.

The Tyrannosaurus Twos

2008-10-16T07:50:00.003-05:00

Correct behavior
means that you are
occupied with commendable activity.
-Ata

Wow- The pressures of teaching your children what is correct behavior, vs courteous behavior, vs socially acceptable behavior, and teaching discernment to boot?!?! No wonder I have a headache.

Ahhh...Autumn

2008-10-15T07:34:00.000-05:00

October is my favorite month. But don’t tell March, June or December. They might get jealous. I whole heartedly love cooler nights, sunny crisp days and decorating for fall. I love cooking for coziness, the scary winds that blow, and the need for cute fall sweaters. Yes I am that shallow. This weekend the 5 year old and I hauled out the decorations from the closet. We set out fall candles, a cornucopia, and some bears with pumpkins, and autumn towels. I also relented and put out my cute ghosts and fiber optic kitty and pumpkin I usually reserve until the week before Halloween. The 2 year old is enamored with the lights, and they aren’t scary, just cute. Too much Halloween is a discussion for another day.
I think my mom loved the fall when I was a kid because there was always that cathartic feeling around the house when we got home that she wasn’t frazzled, AND there were cookies, and a roast. She loved the Home Sweet Home candle from Yankee and burned the wax disks in a little pot. Bach Brandenburg Concertos and baroque music played in the tape deck, a far cry from the summer Beach Boys and rock and roll. She created a very cozy warm atmosphere; it was a time of renewal for her.
To me, fall is a renewal and the true start of a promise. God’s promise to us was truly fulfilled at what seemed like an ending: The death of Christ. Fall is the reminder that even though things seem to be ending, the truth is that like Christ rising, spring will come and new life will begin. Not that I enjoy the death, but remembering and being strengthened for the hard winter ahead is the joy of these shorter brilliant days.